ninetyoneoctane

Christian Horner Reportedly Responds to Red Bull Sacking with, “Is This About the Texts?”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 09 Jul 2025 15:44:19 GMT

Team Principal Confused Whether It Was the Messages, the Behavior, or Just His General Vibes

MILTON KEYNES –“Is this about the texts?” Christian Horner reportedly stated upon hearing he’d been summarily sacked by Red Bull Racing, a telling remark from a man who once ran the most fearsome engine in F1 politics, only to be undone by his inability to not send a blurry picture of a thumb… it was a thumb, right?

It all began around the 2024 Bahrain Grand Prix, when WhatsApp messages between Horner and a female employee were leaked, stirring sexual harassment allegations. Internal investigations cleared him. But the damage was done, mostly to the female employee, but for some reason everyone wants to ignore that. Fissures began forming inside Red Bull’s once unified fortress.

Then the exodus began. Technical mastermind, and seemingly the only designer who could make a decent car at Red Bull, Adrian Newey, the aerodynamic witch who shaped Red Bull’s dominance, defected to Aston Martin in early 2025. Sporting Director Jonathan Wheatley left for Sauber in late 2024. Even Horner’s inner circle—Marketing Chief Oliver Hughes and Communications Director Paul Smith—walked away, reportedly unwilling to receive any more WhatsApp messages.

The consequences were swift. Red Bull plummeted to fourth in the Constructors’ standings midway through the 2025 season. Their RB21 chassis struggled to keep pace with McLaren and Mercedes. Max Verstappen, never known for subtlety, reportedly called the car “undrivable” after Suzuka. Whispers of him activating an exit clause in his contract began swirling, casting doubt over the decision to fire Checo, because it was clearly the car the whole time.

So when Red Bull’s Salzburg board finally pulled the trigger on Horner, installing sister team boss Laurent Mekies at the helm, it felt less like a dismissal and more like the closing of the horny… sorry, Horner era. Horner, age 51, walked out in tears, reportedly singing “Bye Bye Miss American Pie,” his two decade chapter ending to muted applause from the entire world.

In sackings, scandals, and corporate coups, “Is this about the texts?” may sound simple. The answer, as always in F1, is usually no. But in this case?

Yeah, Christian. It was the texts.

The Incredible Hulk Congratulates Nico Hülkenberg on Becoming the Most Powerful Man in Green

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sun, 06 Jul 2025 21:48:30 GMT

"You smash race faster than I smash. Respect."

SILVERSTONE —Add him to the list of people experiencing extreme automotive happiness today. The Incredible Hulk himself extended his emerald-thumb of approval and passed the green man baton to Nico Hülkenberg following the German’s remarkable third-place finish at the British Grand Prix. Hulk, deep gravelly voice echoing across digital airwaves, boomed: “You smash race faster than I smash. Respect.”

And why shouldn’t the Hulk be impressed? Hülkenberg delivered a masterclass at Silverstone, rising from 19th on the grid to claim P3 — his first ever podium in 239 Grand Prix starts — powered by genius strategy, flawless overtakes, nerves of steel amid tricky rain-to-dry transitions, and the calming presence of Kevin Magnussen.

Sauber celebrated their first podium since 2012, while Hülkenberg shattered the record for most starts without a podium — a long-running "most overdue" blockbuster moment that he was definitely aiming for and didn’t stumble into by sheer chaos. Not at all.

Silverstone’s shifting weather threw carnage and caution onto the tarmac. Norris emerged victorious, Piastri edged out Verstappen after some safety car drama and a penalty, and Hülkenberg seized the chaos. A perfectly timed pit stop and top-tier tire strategy saw him hold off teams with extreme budgets that have no business being beat by Sauber and Ferrari.

In another note that sounds like we made it up, Hülkenberg’s acceptance of a Lego trophy — part of this year’s totally quirky Silverstone prize package, thanks to massive contracts trading billions of dollars for children’s eyeballs — was a fitting symbol of his long but ultimately triumphant journey. “My daughter can play with it too,” he quipped, while probably thinking what the f… It’s no wonder the Hulk is jealous, although less jealous about the trophy.

So yes, the Incredible Hulk salutes you, Nico. Emerald by name, emerald by game. Racecars, not cityscapes, are your domain. And both Hulk and Banner can agree — you're the Hulk now.

Verstappen Takes Silverstone Pole to Remind Mercedes Not to Lowball Him for ’26

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 05 Jul 2025 18:52:16 GMT

Four-time champ puts it on P1 to prevent Toto Wolff from doing something dumb

SILVERSTONE —Realizing that fighting the rumors wasn’t working, Max Verstappen secured pole position for the British Grand Prix today, sending an unmistakable message to Mercedes team boss Toto Wolff: don’t get it twisted by this year’s stats. If you want the best, bring the bank.

With speculation swirling that Mercedes is eyeing the four-time world champion for a 2026 seat, Verstappen made it clear he has no time for tire kickers or time wasters. He knows what he’s got. Insiders claim the pole lap was less about winning and more about tapping directly into the George Russell contract budget.

“Let’s just say Max didn’t want Toto showing up with a 2025-season valuation on his contract offer,” said Red Bull engineer Luca Bianchi. “He literally said, ‘If I qualify behind a Williams, this man’s gonna offer me more than Ferrari gave Lewis, at least.’ So yeah, he went full send.”

Toto Wolff, meanwhile, remains cagey about the potential cost. “Max is obviously talented,” he said, standing next to Kimi Antonelli and the other one. “But at Mercedes, we value long-term development, strategic synergy, and not going bankrupt. We really thought we could get a deal this year. Now all we’ve done is motivate him to drive for a contract.”

Sources close to Verstappen say the Dutch driver is well aware of Wolff’s recruiting tactics.

“He knows Toto,” said F1 paddock reporter Elena Morales. “Toto gets that charm in his eye and suddenly you’re signing a contract written on a disposable shop towel with performance bonuses measured in ‘deferred payments.’ Max just wanted to remind him that his witchcraft won’t work here.”

The pole lap itself was clinical, dominant, and deliberately smug—in typical Verstappen fashion.

“I didn’t even check the delta,” Verstappen said after stepping out of the car. “I just imagined Toto offering me a base salary and saying, ‘The real value is in being part of the Mercedes family,’ and that gave me the extra tenths I needed.”

Mercedes driver—for now—George Russell offered his thoughts while looking very nervous. “Max is a great driver,” he said. “Would be cool to have him on the team. I guess. If I’m still here. Haha. Nah, Toto wouldn’t get rid of me… would he?”

As rumors continue to fall from the sky with zero fact-checking, and Verstappen continues to assert dominance, one thing is now clear: if Mercedes wants him, they better come correct. If the offer’s bad, Max might just win the whole damn championship.

Law Allowing One Legal Road Rage Incident Per Year Revoked After 97% Targeted Straight-Piped Infinitis

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 04 Jul 2025 12:00:26 GMT

"We thought people would use it responsibly," says transportation official who owns a G35, in tears.

SACRAMENTO —A controversial California law that once allowed every licensed driver one legally sanctioned act of road rage per year has officially been revoked—after data revealed that nearly all incidents were used to run straight-piped Infinitis off the road.

“We designed it as a pressure valve,” said Department of Transportation spokesperson Angela Cortez. “A one-time-a-year release. Tailgaters, brake checkers, left-lane campers—pick your poison. But no. Everyone just went after the guys with the loudest G35s. Every. Single. Time.”

The legislation, known as the Bad Driver Act , was passed in 2025 as a bold experiment in reducing stress on public roadways. Drivers could register one "rage pass" per calendar year, granting them immunity for a single aggressive act—so long as no one was seriously injured and a dashcam captured the moment for review and public entertainment.

But the dream of therapeutic chaos quickly spiraled.

“Straight-piped Infiniti drivers were getting punted off freeway on-ramps, clipped in mall parking lots, even chased down in residential neighborhoods,” said Cortez. “It got to the point where they started removing their pops and burble tunes. Some even reinstalled mufflers. It was chilling—peaceful, but chilling.”

One Infiniti driver, 22-year-old Trevor Simmons, recalls the terror. “I was just trying to do a casual second-gear pull next to an elementary school at 3:00 p.m., and boom—Subaru Outback to the quarter panel. I didn’t even rev that high. Maybe 6,500. People are monsters.”

Analysts confirmed the law’s collapse. “We thought people would use their one act of violence on truly deserving targets,” said traffic researcher Dr. Linh Park. “And they did—but they also forgot about lifted trucks with no tailgate or Nissan Altimas going 104 in the rain. The Infiniti hate was too strong.”

Some officials argue that the law did, technically, work. “Traffic was quieter,” said CHP officer Greg Stanton. “You could hear birdsong on the 405 for the first time in decades. Was it ethical? No. Was it beautiful? Absolutely.”

Civil rights groups have condemned the law’s bias. “Just because someone drives a car that sounds like a Shop-Vac choking on drywall doesn’t mean they deserve vigilante justice,” said ACLU attorney Marvin Ellis. “There are better ways to resolve tension—like shaming them at car meets.”

For now, the Bad Driver Act has been shelved indefinitely. But officials haven’t ruled out a more targeted replacement.

“We’re considering a permit system,” said Cortez. “Maybe not one rage act per year—maybe one per Altima sighting.”

As for the straight-piped Infiniti community, they remain cautious. “We’re still loud,” said Simmons. “But now we just push our cars in high-traffic areas. It’s safer that way.”

Already Bored of The Plane, Trump Asks Qatar If They’ve Got Any Ferraris They’re Not Using

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 03 Jul 2025 12:00:12 GMT

" Something big, beautiful, and preferably red—like my voters," he says.

PALM BEACH —Citing “extreme boredom” and a desire to distract everyone from the current headlines, Donald Trump has reportedly reached out to the Qatari royal family with a request—since they were so generous before: if they have any Ferraris they’re no longer using, he’d be willing to take one—or many—off their hands.

“I love the plane—tremendous plane—but sometimes I need something more Ferrari-ish,” Trump said during an impromptu press conference held in the middle of a Mar-a-Lago golf hole. “It’s about the American people. If you want to show strength, the leader should drive something that shows speed, class, dominance. You know, like me. There’s nothing more American than me.”

Sources close to Trump say the idea came to him after watching a TikTok of a Qatari teenager doing donuts in a LaFerrari outside a Dubai mall. “He thought Ferraris must flow like water over there if that’s how they treat them,” one aide confessed. “Now he’s convinced they’re going to give him—um, err, I mean America —like four new Ferraris.”

The Qatari government, long accustomed to openly bribing Western figures, reportedly received the inquiry via a handwritten letter stapled to a McDonald’s napkin. The note simply read: “Big fan. Love the oil. Thanks for the plane. Got any red Ferraries? No hybrids. Yours truly, 45.”

When asked why he specifically targeted Qatar, Trump was characteristically blunt. “They’ve got cars stacked like pancakes over there. Oil money. Camels. Very fast people. And they already gave America—not me—a plane. I figured they wouldn’t have a problem with this. The American people only need one—unless they’ve got a matching pair.”

Auto industry insiders say the move makes a strange kind of sense. “He doesn’t want a Ferrari because he understands the engineering,” said analyst Brooke Daniels. “He wants it because he’s insecure and doesn’t know how to actually show strength. It fits the Trump brand perfectly.”

Critics have raised concerns over what Trump might do with such a car. “I don’t think he knows presidents aren’t allowed to drive,” said former White House staffer Kevin Lee. “Also, if it doesn’t come with a cupholder big enough for a 44 oz. Diet Coke, he’s not going to use it. Does he even fit in it?”

Despite uncertainty around Qatar’s response, Trump remains confident. “They love me,” he said. “Everyone loves me. I’m very big in the Middle East—bigger than the pyramids, probably. I might even drive the Ferrari to a peace summit—for the American people, of course.”

As of press time, Trump was seen browsing listings on Bring a Trailer and loudly asking aides whether “Testarossa” was Italian for “Testosterone.”

BRAKING: Verstappen-Mercedes Rumors Ignite After Toto Wolff Promises “You Can SIM Whenever You Want, Like Whenever-Whenever”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 19:12:48 GMT

Sources say the phrase “no queue, no limit, no weekend night restrictions” was the real clincher.

BRACKLEY —The Formula 1 paddock is in chaos once again as fresh rumors swirl around a potential Verstappen-to-Mercedes deal—this time not over money, power units, or winning potential, but over unrestricted access to the team’s state-of-the-art simulator and the freedom to SIM whenever Verstappen wants, regardless of Mercedes' championship aspirations.

According to insiders, the catalyst behind this latest development wasn’t some strategic masterstroke or lucrative performance clause—it was Mercedes Team Principal Toto Wolff reportedly whispering, “You can SIM whenever you want. Like… whenever-whenever, Max.”

“Look, we’ve got a simulator that’s basically designed for billionaires,” said one Mercedes engineer, who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of being promoted to strategizing for George Russell. “Max got a little tour last year, and the moment he saw the adjustable motion rig and six-dozen rims, his pupils dilated like he was about to take out a McLaren.”

Verstappen, a known sim racing addict who regularly spends his downtime competing in iRacing and cursing out Dutch internet providers, was reportedly— for the first time ever —“emotionally moved” by the promise of unlimited simming.

“I think it really got to him,” said former F1 driver and sim racing skeptic Juan Pablo Montoya. “No more waiting for race day to be over. No more prioritizing Formula 1. No more Christian Horner sending late-night texts to think of the team. Just Max, the rig, and God-tier iRating.”

Toto Wolff remains tight-lipped on the speculation but was spotted leaving a Brackley simulator room with a USB stick labeled “Max settings.” When pressed for comment, he simply said, “He wants control. We offer freedom. And—let’s be honest—I don't like George that much.”

Meanwhile, Red Bull is downplaying the threat. “Max is committed to us,” said Christian Horner while standing outside Verstappen’s locked simulator room, knocking politely. “It’s time to come out, Max,” he whispered gently. “He just likes to sim. That’s all. Totally normal, not at all a sign he’s going with Toto. Do you know what ‘Toto’ means in Spanish?”

One Red Bull mechanic was less convinced. “He’s been less talkative lately,” they noted. “Last week he said he was ‘just going to the bathroom,’ but we caught him doing flying laps at Mercedes HQ. And the man brought his own rig.”

As speculation mounts, one thing is clear: in the high-stakes world of Formula 1, all it takes is a Wolff in sheep’s clothing—and the words “whenever-whenever” —to tip the balance of power.

Vin Diesel Says Fast Franchise Going Back to Street Racing Roots—In Space

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 12:00:03 GMT

"If you're about the car culture, you go to the streets,” he growled

HOLLYWOOD —After years of blowing up banks, outrunning tanks, and redefining the laws of physics, Fast & Furious star Vin Diesel has announced the franchise is “going back to its roots”—by street racing… in outer space.

“It’s about the streets,” Diesel said at a press conference hosted by Tyrese, who was very happy to have a job. “That’s why we’re taking them where no street has ever gone before: the final frontier.”

The next installment, Fast: Lunar Grip , will reportedly follow Dominic Toretto and his increasingly invincible family as they race muscle cars across a sprawling drag strip built on the dark side of the moon. While no one quite explained how to get asphalt up there—or how they can race in zero gravity—insiders say the tone will be “very grounded—except for the part where they're not on the ground.”

“We’re honoring the legacy,” said director Justin Lin, holding a script printed on carbon fiber. “It’s about the heart of car culture. It’s about street racing. It’s about committing crimes. It’s about Dom bringing family to alien life forms.”

Early plot leaks suggest the story centers around a mysterious alien syndicate that challenges Dom to a race for control of the galaxy. The stakes? The fate of Earth—and the last six-pack of Corona.

“This is what it was always building to,” said Tyrese Gibson, who’s been screaming in space since F9 . “People laughed when we strapped rockets to a Pontiac Fiero. But now we’re astronauts. Real-life astronauts.”

The film will feature zero-gravity drag racing, space parachutes, and what producers are calling “the loudest engine noises ever recorded in the vacuum of space.”

NASA, while not officially involved, has expressed mild concern. “You can’t put streets in space,” said Dr. Lila Tran of the Jet Propulsion Lab. “Also, cars don’t work in space. You can’t even shift gears while spinning at 17,000 mph.” Diesel reportedly responded by flexing and growling at Tran.

As production begins on Lunar Grip , critics wonder if The Rock will appear in the latest installment. When asked, Diesel stated, “No comment. Stop talking about that guy, damn. It’s always Rock Rock Rock with you.”

In the meantime, Universal Studios is reportedly developing a line of Dom Toretto space helmets—complete with bald spot ventilation and a built-in button that just says “family.”

How to Stop Judging People with Rep Wheels, Even Though They Absolutely Deserve It

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 01 Jul 2025 12:00:16 GMT

We all make mistakes. Some just bolt them on proudly.

LOS ANGELES —In today’s world of endless gatekeeping, many car enthusiasts are being told to stop judging others for running replica wheels. Experts agree it’s a necessary step toward community growth—and a personal test of your ability to stop being so toxic.

“It’s hard,” admitted Ricardo Velasquez, who once threw up in his mouth after spotting fake TE37s at a track day. “They’ll say, ‘they’re basically the same,’ and then torque them down with an impact gun. I’m supposed to just let that slide?”

The practice of running rep wheels—affordable counterfeit forgeries of high-end forged wheels—has long divided the automotive community. While some argue it’s a financial compromise, others liken it to putting an M badge on a Honda Civic and no longer using your blinker.

Therapists say the first step toward growth is acceptance.

“You must recognize your triggers,” said Dr. Lana Nguyen, a licensed automotive conflict mediator. “Do you flinch at spiked lug nuts? Do you instinctively shit on everyone’s happiness? That’s okay. Just breathe.”

Support groups are forming across the country, where affected enthusiasts gather in circles and confess things like, “I walked past a car meet without shaming anyone’s faux carbon splitter,” and, “I only said ‘interesting choice’ once today.”

But progress is slow.

“I tried,” said Jonny James, a former wheel snob now enrolled in a local tolerance course. “I even complimented a guy’s rep Work wheels. But then he said he bought them because ‘they weigh the same and cost less.’ I blacked out after that.”

Critics of this movement argue that judgment plays a vital role in preserving standards. “Without shame, we have chaos,” said wheel purist Jordan Malik. “If people think running reps is okay, what’s next? eBay coilovers? Plasti Dip? Forgiving stance guys? How are people supposed to know I spent all this money on the real thing when these guys are diluting the market?”

Still, advocates insist it’s about compassion. “Not everyone’s budget can handle brand-name cast wheels,” said Dr. Nguyen. “Some people are just trying to look good on a budget. Let them cook.”

As for the future, change will take time—and patience. “I’m learning to accept them,” said Velasquez. “But I still pray they park far away from me at meets. Emotionally, I’m still a piece of shit.”

Until then, a simple reminder for those struggling: wheels don’t define a person’s worth—just their judgment. And possibly their likelihood of dying in a pothole-related accident.

If TVs Are Cheaper and Better Than Ever, Why Are Porsches Still Expensive?

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 12:00:20 GMT

"You can’t corner at 1.3 Gs in a Samsung,” says economist.

ATLANTA —As technology continues to advance at breakneck speed, one troubling question remains unanswered: If a 75-inch 4K TV with AI-enhanced upscaling now costs less than a monthly car payment, why does a Porsche 911 still cost more than a house?

“It doesn’t make sense,” said casual consumer and self-proclaimed BMW enthusiast Brian Thompson. “I can buy a TV that talks to me, adjusts to sunlight, and streams 800 channels of crap I’ll never watch—for $499. Meanwhile, Porsche wants $500,000 for an understated supercar?”

Economists are equally baffled. “In most industries, innovation leads to lower costs,” explained Dr. Serena Cho, an economist at the Useless Technicals Institute. “But in the car world, it leads to special paint colors and a 113% price increase that no one asks Porsche to justify.”

One working theory? The vibes.

“You can’t corner at 1.3 Gs in a Samsung,” said economist Jake Mendoza. “Well, I mean, you can try, but then you’re just watching The Office for the 39th time—really fast.”

According to insiders, Porsche’s pricing strategy is based on a complex formula involving heritage, the number of times someone says “air-cooled” at a Cars and Coffee event, and how badly BMW owners want to become Porsche enthusiasts.

“Porsches aren’t expensive because they have to be,” said dealership manager Kyle Withers. “They’re expensive because you’ll still buy one, even if it's overpriced for no reason. You’re not paying for features—you’re paying to feel morally superior to BMW owners.”

Meanwhile, technology companies have continued to drive prices down. For example, a 2005 plasma TV once cost $3,000, weighed 200 pounds, and sounded like a microwave. Today’s TVs are lighter, smarter, thinner, and capable of giving you full-blown analysis paralysis for just a few hundred bucks.

“TVs make sense,” said Thompson. “You get more for less. With a Porsche, it’s like the more you pay, the more likely you are to pay more for the next one. TVs don’t need that.”

Still, demand for Porsches shows no sign of slowing. Experts say it has less to do with performance and more to do with identity.

“At the end of the day,” said Dr. Cho, “a TV shows you who you want to be. A Porsche shows everyone else.”

As for Thompson? He’s decided to hold off on the TV. “I need to save for a new Porsche,” he said. “I’ve never owned one—but it’s worth every penny. Every penny.”

The Dark Side of Botox and Lip Fillers: No Longer Matching Your Driver’s License

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 28 Jun 2025 15:46:17 GMT

"That’s me, bro—I just can’t move my eyebrows anymore," says man with car that was towed.

PHOENIX —36-year-old Trent Stephens had his car impounded this week after police officers could not confirm that his current, hyper-chiseled but immobile face belonged to the doughy man in his driver’s license photo.

“I know I don’t look the same, but that’s kind of the point,” said Stephens, whose jawline is now sharp enough to open Amazon packages. “You’re telling me I can’t drive just because I’m fly as fuck now?”

Police were less enthusiastic. “The ID said ‘Trent,’ but the face said ‘Life in plastic, it’s fantastic,’” said Officer Corey Watson. “I asked him to raise his eyebrows like in the photo, and he said he couldn’t anymore.”

According to eyewitnesses, Stephens attempted to prove his identity by flexing and pulling up old gym selfies, none of which were helpful, as his face had slowly evolved from “dad at a barbecue” to “America’s Got Talent host.”

“This is becoming more common,” said police spokesperson Helen DuBois. “Some men are chasing youth, but most of the time it’s just people with the emotional range of a painted rock. We’ve had to start scanning fingerprints.”

Experts say this is part of a broader trend known as Masculine Refinement Syndrome —where men use injectables and fillers to sculpt a face that looks like it’s constantly being lit by a ring light.

“It’s not about vanity,” said Dr. Vincent Reyes, a cosmetic surgeon specializing in men’s enhancements. “It’s about confidence. And looking like your jaw was forged in a lab. I can do the procedures in, like, 15 minutes now. And yes, I take Bitcoin.”

Stephens, however, remains undeterred. “I’ll just go get a new license photo,” he said. “But first I have another procedure scheduled—and another one three months after that. Eventually, I’ll get the photo updated. Or maybe… I’ll just get a driver. Whatever it takes.”

In the meantime, police are considering new protocols—like asking men to bring someone who knew them before the glow-up, or a GIF of their old face morphing into the new one.

Study Finds Experiences Make People Happier Than Things—Which Is Why You Buy the Car and Go to a Track Day

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 27 Jun 2025 07:00:00 GMT

"It’s not materialism if it comes with hot laps and PBs."

SAN DIEGO —A new study confirms that people who spend money on experiences rather than possessions report greater long-term happiness—prompting car enthusiasts nationwide to immediately interpret the findings—correctly—as instruction to buy a $400 track day with the car they’re buying to ensure complete happiness.

“It makes total sense,” said Miata owner Daniel Ruiz, moments after sending his first Klarna payment for Buttonwillow. “The car is the thing, but the track day is the experience. Together, it’s like emotional compound interest—it’s a guarantee.”

Researchers at the Useless Technicals Institute say their work was intended to discourage materialistic consumption and promote meaningful memories, such as travel, social bonding, and cultural exploration. They didn’t expect to completely validate every impulsive and irresponsible purchase made by people who can't let their daily driver be a daily driver.

“We just wanted people to think twice before buying more stuff,” said Dr. Lindsay Patel, the study’s lead author. “But car people read the headline and found a loophole we didn’t expect. They immediately started shopping for helmets and Googling ‘how to win your first HPDE.’”

For many enthusiasts, the study has simply reinforced what they already believe: if you crash into a tire wall, but you learned something, it was totally worth it.

“The moment I hit the limiter through the esses, I felt present for the first time in years,” said Civic Type R owner Alex Mendoza. “That’s happiness. That’s what the scientists are talking about. Not a yacht. Not a Roth IRA. Not my kids. Just me, the track, and some rapidly depleting savings accounts.”

Credit card companies are thrilled. One spokesperson for DriveMore™ Financial said applications for high-limit cards spiked immediately after the study’s release. “We’re launching a new rewards program where every $1,000 spent on ‘experience-based tire wear’ earns you two points and a free energy drink.”

Still, not everyone is convinced. “I don’t think this is what the study meant,” said Dr. Patel, flipping through receipts from a recent race weekend that somehow cost $800. “But if turning your car into a 100MPH+ death trap makes you happy… well, I guess we’ve lost the argument.”

As the debate continues, one thing is clear: happiness may not be found in things or experiences, but in telling your friends you did both—and showing them your GoPro footage to prove it.

Man Names Car ‘Karen,’ Now It Won’t Stop Honking at Everyone

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 26 Jun 2025 07:00:20 GMT

"It used to be a reliable Civic. Now it demands to speak to the toll road manager."

HUNTINGTON BEACH —Local driver Ryan Delgado is facing unintended consequences after naming his 2005 Honda Civic “Karen.” The car has since developed a mind of its own—specifically, one that can’t stop honking at other drivers for minor inconveniences.

“It started small,” said Delgado. “A little beep here and there when someone didn’t go immediately at a green light. But now? It honks if someone’s too slow, too fast, merges within a soccer field of me, or breathes incorrectly within three lanes.”

Delgado, who previously referred to the car as “JDMAMA,” renamed it as a joke to mock the thousands of dudes who name their cars after women. “I thought it’d be funny,” he said. “Then I made it official with a custom license plate: K4REN.”

That’s when things got weird.

“Now it honks before I even touch the wheel,” Delgado said. “I opened the door the other day and it blasted the horn at a kid on a scooter. It’s like the car is looking for problems. I swear the horn sounds like it’s shouting slurs too.”

Neighbors have reported multiple noise complaints. One local pedestrian claims the Civic honked at her for crossing at a crosswalk. “It scared the hell out of me,” said Maria Gonzales. “It was 9 a.m. I wasn’t even jaywalking. I guess I didn’t move fast enough for Karen’s liking.”

Mechanics are baffled. “We checked the horn relay, the wiring, everything,” said local technician Mike Chu. “But the car just keeps honking. I think it has a problem with emotional regulation, but there’s no part that controls that. I told Ryan to start calling it something chill, like ‘Becky’ or ‘Selena,’ and see if it calms down.”

Delgado has tried renaming the car, but so far it hasn’t worked. “I called it Sophia yesterday and it honked immediately—seven times. Almost as if to say, Put—Some—Res—Pect—On—My—Name. ”

Now, the car has developed a pattern: slow honks for lane drift, aggressive blasts for Teslas, and a full 10-second hold if a BMW tries to merge without signaling. “It’s like she’s profiling other cars,” Delgado admitted. “I don’t know how to stop her prejudice.”

When reached for comment, the Civic let out three sharp honks during the interview, then revved slightly in neutral.

As Delgado weighs his options, one thing is clear: Karens are a problem everywhere.

Nissan Releases NISMO Armada to Tow Your NISMO Z While Wearing Nismo Shoes, NISMO Shirt, and Carrying Your NISMO Gloves in a NISMO Bag

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 24 Jun 2025 18:14:37 GMT

"Add an extra Nismo Sentra, get free keychains!"

SPIELBERG —In what’s going down as the most unnoticed victory in Formula 1 history, Mercedes driver George Russell quietly secured a P1 finish this weekend while the rest of the world—and most of the F1 broadcast team—was preoccupied with literally everything else.

“I just kept driving,” Russell said, still in partial disbelief. “There were no cameras, no radio chatter, no strategy graphics. I figured I was somewhere in the top ten, maybe behind Tsunoda or something. Then they gave me champagne.”

According to race footage that somehow never made it to air, Russell maintained a clean, uneventful race while the world’s attention was glued to yet another spicy wheel-banging moment between Piastri and Norris, two 16-second pit stops, a Red Bull complaint, and a Haas that briefly caught fire but still finished ahead of both Alpines.

“I don’t even think Sky Sports knew he was racing,” said F1 fan Diego Velasquez, who watched the full race on three screens with live telemetry. “I thought he DNF’d or maybe took a day off. When I saw him on the podium, I assumed it was part of another Brad Pitt movie or something.”

Fellow drivers were equally baffled. “George won?” asked a confused Lando Norris, who had spent most of the post-race press conference apologizing to Piastri. “When? How? Was he even racing?”

Even Mercedes seemed unsure how it happened. “We were honestly just hoping for a clean double finish,” said team principal Toto Wolff. “Next thing we know, George crossed the line in first and we had to scramble back from Taco Bell to congratulate him.”

The official broadcast team offered little explanation, other than to say they were “focused on the action.” One commentator defended himself: “Look, the guy who’s driving perfectly, not yelling into the radio, doing the right things—is not someone you want to make famous or hold up as a role model. It’s just not good TV.”

Fans online are now calling it the “stealth win,” with many demanding a replay of the entire race from Russell’s onboard—if it even exists. “He’s just too stealth for the cameras,” said Reddit user BrakeLate98. “He raw-dogged the race.”

When asked how it felt to win under such circumstances, Russell shrugged. “I guess it’s proof you don’t need drama to win,” he said. “But you do need it if you want people to notice you won.”

How George Russell Snuck a P1 Finish While Everyone Was Distracted by All the Racing Coverage

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 24 Jun 2025 15:53:25 GMT

"Honestly, I didn’t even know I won,” admits Russell.

Fellow drivers were equally baffled. “George won?” asked a confused Lando Norris, who had spent most of the post-race press conference apologizing to Piastri. “When? How? Was he even racing?”

McLaren Denies Trump F1 Test Drive, Citing Cockpit Size Limitations

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 23 Jun 2025 12:00:28 GMT

"We engineer for speed, not... volume,” says team spokesperson.

WOKING —McLaren Racing has formally denied recent rumors that Donald Trump would be testing one of their Formula 1 cars, citing what engineers are calling a “non-negotiable cockpit geometry issue.”

“Let me be clear,” said McLaren team principal Andrea Stella. “We are committed to pushing the limits of performance, technology, and innovation. But there are limits. And one of those is how much total president can fit into 1.6 cubic meters of carbon fiber.”

The rumor reportedly started when Trump, during a fundraising golf tournament, claimed he’d been invited by McLaren to “bring some real American horsepower to the grid.” Witnesses say he pointed at a golf cart mid-sentence.

“They asked me to drive it,” Trump insisted later in a Truth Social post. “Very prestigious. They said I’d be the best driver—tremendous feel, tremendous downforce. I would’ve been faster than all of them, even the ones with the names I can’t pronounce.”

McLaren’s denial was swift—and specific.

“Our cockpits are precision-engineered to accommodate elite athletes with body fat percentages below the legal limit for airport yogurt,” said spokesperson Alana Weaver. “While we make accommodations for height and torso ratios, we simply cannot account for… extravagant volume.”

According to team insiders, an internal simulation attempt using Trump’s dimensions immediately triggered a safety warning that read, “Incompatible mass detected: please re-enter driver.” Another computer simply crashed and has not rebooted since.

Despite the technical impossibility, Trump remains defiant. “I would’ve made it fit,” he said during an interview on conservative radio. “I fit in everything. Planes, boats, golden elevators. You don’t need a small cockpit—you need a strong driver. I would’ve finished first, believe me.”

McLaren engineers reportedly did explore alternative solutions, including removing the halo device, half the dashboard, and the laws of physics—but ultimately concluded that “girth and F1 do not mix.”

As of press time, Trump was seen watching an onboard lap of Lando Norris and yelling, “They’re nasty! I could very easily drive like that—some say I’m the best driver.”

Man Blames Car Obsession on Spending Scholastic Book Fair Money on Car Posters Instead of Books Like His Mom Told Him To

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 21 Jun 2025 12:00:08 GMT

"She said knowledge was power. Turns out horsepower is power."

LAWNDALE —Local man Anthony Perez, 38, has traced the origins of his lifelong financial instability and unwavering obsession with cars to a single moment in childhood: the 1998 Scholastic Book Fair, where he bought a Lamborghini poster, a Ferrari bookmark, and absolutely no books.

“She handed me five dollars and said, ‘Please buy something educational,’” Perez recalled. “Next thing I know, I’m walking out with a Countach poster, a sweet Ferrari bookmark, and a fear that my mom was going to be mad as hell.”

While his classmates left the fair with chapter books, science kits, and some sense of academic momentum, Perez left with glossy prints of a car he'd never afford and a complete disregard for his mother's wishes. “Those posters did something to me,” he said. “They rewired my brain. I saw those Lambo doors, and it was over. I haven’t read a book since.”

Experts say Perez is not alone. “There’s a generation of car guys out there who learned nothing from the Book Fair except how to pick between a Diablo and an Enzo,” said childhood psychologist Dr. Melanie Chu. “They now live in a constant state of project cars, missed oil changes, and explaining to their partners why a $900 carbon diffuser is ‘actually a good deal.’”

Perez says the posters stayed on his wall until college, eventually replaced by Fast & Furious quotes, coilover spec sheets, and a checklist of cars he’ll definitely never own. “My mom still doesn’t understand,” he said. “She’s always like, ‘If you’d just bought The Magic Tree House instead of that stupid McLaren poster, maybe you’d have a 401(k) by now.’ She never remembers it was a Lamborghini poster.”

Now in his late thirties, Perez still lives by the values instilled by that fateful day: aesthetics over practicality, noise over sense, and debt over literature. “People ask if I regret not buying books,” he said. “But look at me. I’ve got an E36 that barely runs, a thousand horsepower between all my project cars, and posters in the garage that still keep my dreams alive.”

When reached for comment, Perez’s mother sighed, “I just wanted him to read Goosebumps, at least!”

Car Enthusiasts Absolutely Losing It Over New Koenigsegg They’ll Never Own

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 20 Jun 2025 12:00:08 GMT

"This car changed my life," says man who will only ever see it on Instagram.

GENEVA —The car community has erupted into mass hysteria following the reveal of the new Koenigsegg Ragnarök XXR-GT, a 1,600-horsepower hypercar featuring a carbon-fiber monocoque, active aero, a zero-to-60 time measured in hyperspeed, and a price tag roughly equivalent to the GDP of most small countries.

The car, limited to only three units worldwide, is already sold out—likely to a Nigerian prince, a Scandinavian vampire, and possibly Tom from MySpace. Still, that hasn’t stopped every car enthusiast with a YouTube account or a garage full of rusted Miatas from declaring it the most important vehicle of the decade, as if they’re auditioning for the new Top Gear .

“This car is everything I’ve ever dreamed of,” said Brendan Walters, 29, who currently drives a 2007 Honda Civic with a cracked bumper and a fart can exhaust. “It really speaks to me. Not in a way I’ll ever physically interact with, of course. But spiritually? It’s like I own one.”

Social media has been flooded with reposts, renders, and wildly inaccurate performance claims. “I heard it does 300 mph in reverse,” said one TikTok user, who also claimed the car runs on confidence and Bugatti owner tears.

Meanwhile, actual automotive journalists are doing their best to explain the technological marvels of the vehicle, though no one is really paying attention. “It’s got something called a ‘triplex rear damper,’” said MotorTrend contributor Alex Graves. “But the public mostly cares that it has a button labeled ‘APOCALYPSE’ and cupholders made from meteorite.”

Despite being completely inaccessible to 99.9999% of the population, the car has become an aspirational icon for every underpaid member of the workforce with a car-enthusiast vision board. “I already put it as my phone background,” said Diego Marquez, who hates his job and can’t afford new wheels. “I figure I’m only, like, four million dollars and a completely new identity away from making it happen.”

Critics say the hype is irrational, but enthusiasts remain unbothered. “Yeah, it’s completely unattainable,” said YouTube commenter @BoostedLamboKid420. “But thinking about it helps me ignore the check engine light in my Subaru.”

Koenigsegg, for its part, released a statement acknowledging the hysteria. “We’re proud to keep making cars that no one can buy,” the company said. “If you’re even asking for the price, please exit the configurator.”

As the digital burnout continues, one thing is certain: nothing brings the car community together quite like collectively drooling over something they’ll never, ever even see.

Texting While Driving to Be Legal Again—But Only for Drivers Who Can Still T9 Text

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 19 Jun 2025 12:00:04 GMT

Officials Argue: “If You Can Navigate a Motorola RAZR, You’ve Earned It.”

SACRAMENTO —Lawmakers have voted to re-legalize texting while driving—but only for individuals who can still T9 text, because they could do it without looking like they were wizards and should’ve never been caught in this legal web to begin with.

“We’re not saying texting while driving is safe,” explained Senator Bill Parnell, author of the legislation. “We’re saying it used to be safe, back when people could write an entire novel on a Nokia keypad with their eyes closed while shifting a six-speed and choosing a CD to listen to.”

The law, dubbed the “Flip Phone Exemption,” will apply to drivers who can pass a state-administered test involving a flip phone, no autocorrect, and a 30-second limit to type out: “on my way, just gotta pick up some swishers. lol”

“It’s about muscle memory,” said DMV examiner Yolanda Ruiz. “If you can type ‘where are you’ in under three seconds without even glancing down, you clearly possess a level of cognitive multitasking that puts modern drivers to shame.”

Critics have questioned the move, calling it “reckless,” “discriminatory against people born after 2005,” and “a desperate grasp at relevance by lawmakers who still wear belt clips.”

But supporters argue it’s a way to honor a lost art. “Back in my day, we didn’t have voice-to-text,” said Craig Delaney, 37, proudly showing off his battered Nokia 3130. “We had to earn our distractions. Every misspelled word was a lesson.”

Car manufacturers are already reacting to the news. Dodge has announced a “T9 Mode” for the Charger that disables touchscreen inputs and blasts Soulja Boy’s Crank That when activated. Meanwhile, Toyota says they’ll release a special edition Camry with a built-in Sidekick keyboard.

Law enforcement agencies, surprisingly, support the law. “We don’t expect many people to qualify,” admitted Officer Dana Hughes. “Most current drivers can’t even drive while driving, let alone text on a 12-button phone. They don’t even know how to use buttons now.”

The test rollout begins next month, with a booth planned at every DMV where drivers must type a phrase, flip the phone shut, then open it again to check if they actually hit send. Bonus points awarded if they snap the phone closed with unnecessary aggression.

For those who pass, the open road awaits—along with the ability to text brb cops lol at 65 mph without flinching.

As one official noted, “This law isn’t about danger. It’s about respect. T9 texters didn’t die out—and they’re still willing to pay 25 cents per text just to prove it.”

New Ultra-Realistic iRacing DLC Will Feature Working on Your Car Most of the Time

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 17 Jun 2025 12:00:44 GMT

Players start as amateurs, only to spend their weekends under a dimly lit garage light.

CONCORD —Leaping toward hyper-realism, iRacing has announced its latest DLC: GRASSROOTS DIY , an ultra-authentic experience where you’ll spend some of your time racing—but most of the time actually working on your virtual car.

“We’ve heard our community loud and clear,” said iRacing creative director Brian Wilkes. “They wanted realism. They wanted immersion. So now, instead of driving, you’ll mostly be underneath the car, covered in imaginary oil, waiting for your order from SimRockAuto to arrive with a SimMagnet. SimMagnets are NFTs.”

The DLC promises an unparalleled experience, complete with virtual seized bolts, mystery electrical issues, and the thrilling joy of spending 12 hours trying to fix your alignment with strings.

“You’ll finally get to feel what it’s really like to race cars at the grassroots level,” Wilkes continued. “We’ve even added a new anxiety meter that spikes when your car doesn’t pass tech because you forgot to torque your nuts. Just like real life.”

Players will be required to purchase digital tools, download fictional parts manuals in PDF format, and schedule imaginary shipping delays that affect race weekends. In multiplayer mode, users can watch their friends fix their cars while drinking a beer—and get into fights in the pit garage over borrowed jacks.

“This is a game-changer,” said sim racing enthusiast Kyle Navarro, who’s already pre-ordered the DLC. “I’ve spent thousands on my rig trying to feel like I’m really there. And now, I get to feel the crushing despair of a car that won’t start.”

Critics have voiced concern over the time commitment. “Some users are spending six to eight hours diagnosing ABS sensor failures,” said industry analyst Rachel Koh. “One guy is seeking couples counseling after the DLC added an AI spouse who didn’t believe in his project car.”

The DLC includes a new “Group Chat Distract” feature, where AI friends tell you to just trailer the car home—despite the season being on the line. Optional add-ons include arguing with tech inspectors, bribing marshals, and spending your extra time looking for a bag of ice since you forgot to buy it on the way in.

Even the career mode has been reworked. Players start as hopeful amateurs with dreams of racing, only to spend their weekends under a dimly lit garage light, refreshing forums for answers and muttering, “Why is this thing always broken?”

Despite the chaos, reception has been overwhelmingly positive.

“This is what sim racing was missing,” said Navarro, wiping digital grease from his headset. “It’s not about driving. It’s about earning the right to drive—for maybe 15 minutes before something else breaks.”

Welcome to realism. Welcome to iRacing.

F1 World Terrified as Chuck Norris Begins Coaching Son Lando

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 16 Jun 2025 12:00:05 GMT

"The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought his idea wasn’t going to work."

MONTREAL —Sending fear through the Formula 1 paddock and prompting several apexes to file for early retirement, Chuck Norris has officially announced he will begin coaching his son, McLaren driver Lando Norris.

“I didn’t choose Lando—but the racing gods said I could have whatever I wanted,” Chuck stated. “I see myself in him. He just needs to learn to harness the power of the Norris name.”

Engineers, drivers, and even tire barriers are reportedly terrified. “I wasn’t worried about Lando,” said Charles Leclerc. “But now that I know he’s Chuck Norris’s son? It’s over. He’s not bothered by the FIA—the FIA is bothered by him .”

Sources inside McLaren confirm that Norris’s training regimen now includes getting rid of his oven, stove, and microwave because revenge is best served cold, practicing kung fu grip on the steering wheel, and hotlapping until the stopwatch surrenders. “It’s unconventional, sure,” said team principal Andrea Stella. “But as long as the McLarens don’t touch each other and we sacrifice Piastri’s race, I don’t care.”

The FIA has declined to comment, but has issued an apology in advance to Mr. Norris for any mistake it hasn’t made yet but probably will. Meanwhile, Max Verstappen reportedly stared into Chuck Norris’s eyes for six seconds before quietly announcing his retirement.

Critics argue the move is pure marketing, but Lando insists it’s serious. “It’s going to work. Chuck is never wrong,” he said. “The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought his idea wasn’t going to work.”

As the F1 world prepares for whatever comes next, one thing is clear: the apex is no longer the target—it’s the victim.

Average Age of Used Vehicles Hits 12.8 Years—60 If You Count All the Ones on Jackstands

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 14 Jun 2025 12:00:03 GMT

"According to the data, more than 8 billion vehicles in the U.S. currently rest on jack stands."

RIVERSIDE —The average age of used vehicles in the United States has officially reached 12.8 years, according to new industry data released this week. But experts warn that the real number skyrockets to 60 if you include all the cars currently sitting on jackstands in driveways, garages, and questionable Facebook Marketplace ads.

“These cars technically exist,” said auto analyst Cheryl Newman. “They just haven’t touched pavement since Obama was in office. Or, in some cases, since Clinton.”

The study, conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, originally set out to measure roadworthy used vehicles. But after stumbling upon a 1995 Acura Integra with no engine, three wheels, and a ‘Project, just needs time’ listing for $17,500, researchers were forced to expand their definition.

“We realized there’s a whole ecosystem of cars that aren’t dead—just neglected, like old cheese,” Newman explained. “They’re like modern-day mummies—preserved under tarps and surrounded by empty beer cans.”

Car owner and part-time wrench-turner Marcus Delgado defended the lifestyle. “People say my E36 hasn’t moved in six years,” he said. “But that’s just because I’m taking my time. And I’m broke. Real builds don’t rush greatness.”

According to the data, more than 8 billion vehicles in the U.S. currently rest on jackstands, often posted on social media with captions like ‘Built, Not Bought’ or ‘Soon™’ . The average time since they last moved? Eleven years. The average amount of money still being dumped into them monthly? $148—most of it on parts that won’t be unboxed until next year.

Automakers are reportedly concerned about the trend. “It’s hurting new car sales,” said one frustrated executive. “We have guys out there spending $500 on titanium lug nuts for a car they haven’t even registered since 2014. At this point, they’d rather believe they’re going to finish their project than finance a Corolla.”

“It’s about passion,” said Delgado, standing over a stripped chassis with his hands on his hips. “Anyone can drive a car. But I’m building one. Eventually. Probably.”

So while the official number sits at a modest 12.8 years, the truth is far older, rustier, and surrounded by Harbor Freight receipts. America’s car fleet may be aging—but some cars stopped aging altogether. They just froze in time, waiting for their moment.

It’s coming. They swear.

There’s a Secret Society Among Us Keeping Alfa Romeo Alive—There Has to Be

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 12:00:09 GMT

"Alfa Romeo corporate, when asked for comment, responded with bots..."

DETROIT —Despite dismal sales, nonexistent marketing, and no dealerships, Alfa Romeo continues to exist in North America. Somehow. There’s only one possible explanation: a secret society is keeping it alive.

“There’s no logical reason these cars are still here,” said automotive analyst Darren Schultz. “Nobody buys them. Nobody sees them. Yet they keep releasing new models. It’s like discovering a new RadioShack in 2025. How?”

Alfa Romeo—known for its beautiful designs, emotional driving feel, and check engine lights that come pre-lit from the factory—sold approximately 11 cars last quarter, five of which were to the same guy who thought he was buying a Ferrari on the cheap. And yet, the brand marches on.

“The only people I’ve ever seen with Alfas park really far away at Cars and Coffee,” said car enthusiast Mariana Vega. “But when you walk over to ask them about it, they just stare into the distance and walk away—like they’ve seen the ghost of poor driving performance.”

The theory of a secret society gained traction after an anonymous Reddit post titled “My Cousin Works at Alfa and Knows Too Much” went viral. The post claims there’s a network of former Fiat engineers, Italian food truck owners, and YouTubers with three-hour-long reviews who have sworn a blood oath to keep Alfa alive—no matter the cost.

“They meet once a month in a dimly lit garage,” the post alleges, “chanting phrases like ‘It’s not a car, it’s an experience’ and ‘It just needs a new coil pack.’”

The society reportedly sustains Alfa’s North American operation by bulk-purchasing models, artificially inflating online interest with burner accounts, and writing glowing reviews that begin with, “Yes, it breaks down, but have you seen the front end?”

Alfa Romeo corporate, when asked for comment, responded with bots, and we couldn’t get in touch with an actual person.

Dealership employees, too, remain baffled. “We haven’t had a walk-in since 2019,” said one anonymous showroom staffer. “We mostly use the space to host underground raves.”

So if you see an Alfa on the road, know this: you’ve witnessed the work of something far greater than capitalism. You’ve seen a miracle.

White House Orders Mercedes to Reboot 770s Once Made for Top Nazi Officials, Citing “Tremendous Strength. Real Strength.”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 00:55:54 GMT

The delivery cost taxpayers $12 million.

WASHINGTON, D.C. —With many mildly horrified but completely unsurprised, the White House has formally requested that Mercedes-Benz resume production of the 770—a massive luxury car originally built for top Nazi officials during the 1930s and 40s.

When asked why the administration would want to bring back a car most famously associated with authoritarian parades and goose-stepping photo ops, one senior official offered a blunt explanation: “The President was looking up what fascist means, saw a photo, pointed at it, and said, ‘That’s a strong car. Tremendous strength. Real strength.’ Then he asked if it comes in gold.”

The Mercedes 770, known historically as the Großer Mercedes , was once the go-to ride for fascist leaders who wanted their tyranny to have curb appeal. Known for its overbuilt presence and terrifying grille, it’s the kind of vehicle you’d expect to see parked next to a bunker or slowly driven through a military parade with a shit-eating grin.

Still, current officials insist the interest is purely about aesthetics.

“He’s not focused on the history,” said press secretary Linda Harlan. “He doesn’t understand history. He just likes the vibe—and the vibe is not fascist. Like, at all. Trust me. ”

According to sources, the President became aware of the 770 during a late-night Google spiral involving “Am I really fascist?” and “Can AI read this for me out loud?” Shortly thereafter, a request was sent to Mercedes—via the National Guard, yes, the National Guard —with a handwritten note: “Make it bigger. Make it meaner. Put flags on it.” The delivery cost taxpayers $12 million.

Mercedes-Benz has not publicly responded to the request, though insiders say they’re currently trying to figure out if they want to be associated with fascists again .

“We’re not usually in the business of reviving historical trauma,” said one Mercedes executive, winking under condition of anonymity. “But if they wire the money, we’ll throw in bulletproof glass and a built-in Truth Social screen.”

Critics have been quick to condemn the move. “This is what happens when you let power concentrate in the executive branch and put it in the hands of a toddler,” said political analyst Dr. Rachel Kim. “Next he’ll be asking what Kim Jong Un drives.”

Supporters, however, claim it’s just part of the President’s broader transportation plan: replacing all electric vehicles with cars that “look like they could survive an air raid.” He’d never use it to conduct any military parades or carry out anything actually fascist.

As of press time, Mercedes has reportedly received a second follow-up note from the White House.

It simply read: “Put this symbol on the grill.”

Movie Trivia: Dude, Where’s My Car? Was Originally About Honda Owners

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 12 Jun 2025 12:00:04 GMT

"You don’t forget what happened."

LOS ANGELES —Recently uncovered studio notes have revealed that the 2000 cult classic Dude, Where’s My Car? was originally conceived as a gritty, grounded drama centered on Honda owners waking up to discover—shockingly—that their Civics had been stolen.

“It was meant to be a tribute to Civic owners,” said former production assistant Melanie Tran. “The guys wake up, walk outside, realize their Hondas were stolen, and complain about The Club being no good. Then they start uncovering the billions of other people who had their beloved EG hatches stolen.”

The original script followed two best friends in Southern California who parked their B16-swapped Civics outside one night, only to return and find nothing but shattered glass and a pair of open Club locks. The film was set to end with a PSA about the importance of parking your Honda inside.

“It was a very realistic portrayal of the Honda experience,” said script co-writer Paul Martinez. “We even had a scene where the main character installs a GPS tracker—but it gets stolen too.”

Studio executives, however, found the concept “too depressingly accurate” and worried that audiences might mistake it for a documentary. “The test screenings were rough,” said New Line Cinema executive Dan Houghton. “People didn’t laugh—they just nodded and said, ‘Yeah, all they found of mine was the stripped shell.’”

In an effort to lighten the tone, the script was reworked into the stoner buddy comedy we know today, swapping the Civics for a mystery car and replacing the chop shop ending with space cults, ostriches, and matching tattoos that say “Dude” and “Sweet.”

Still, hints of the original Honda-centric plot remain. Fans have long speculated that the protagonists’ blank stares and short-term memory loss were inspired by the emotional trauma of owning a Civic in Los Angeles. “You don’t forget what happened,” said Honda theft survivor Jesse Gutierrez. “You just buy another one.”

Today, Honda owners look back at the film with gratitude. “It’s honestly good they made a different movie,” said Civic enthusiast Marco Delgado. “If they made the Honda movie, I would’ve gone to watch it—and had my car stolen in the parking lot.”

Trump Sends Military Convoys to Protests Because They're Not Rioting

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 10 Jun 2025 17:12:10 GMT

"Is Homelander available?"

WASHINGTON, D.C. —Stunning absolutely no one, Donald Trump has called for military convoys to be deployed to various protests in Los Angeles, citing the events' calm demeanor as “way too peaceful” and “frankly unhelpful to my brand.”

“They’re way too peaceful,” Trump said during a press conference he called himself and live-streamed from a golf cart. “How am I supposed to take over the country if they’re not rioting like my January 6ers? They’re out there holding signs, chanting, wearing Crocs… it’s disgusting. We need chaos.”

According to sources close to the disgraced president, Trump has grown increasingly frustrated watching well-organized protests unfold without significant looting, bear mace, or buffalo hats. “It was much easier to get the January 6ers acting dumb,” he reportedly told aides. “All I had to do was say ‘march,’ and they started climbing walls like Spider-Men in cargo shorts.”

In a now-deleted Truth Social post, Trump allegedly asked, “If this doesn’t escalate soon, can we send in the Avengers or something? Is Homelander available? He’s the one who owns the libs, right?”

Military officials confirmed that no one responded to the inquiry, mostly because they’re trying to pretend they didn’t see it.

Witnesses on the ground have reported the arrival of several military vehicles at previously tranquil protest sites. “We were chanting, and someone had just started passing out bacon-wrapped hot dogs when an armored Humvee rolled up,” said protester Grace Perez. “It played ‘God Bless the U.S.A.’ on a loop, and someone inside screamed, ‘Why are we here?’”

Trump, however, remains undeterred. “This is getting in the way of me becoming king!” he declared during a bizarre phone interview with Newsmax, while simultaneously demanding McDonald’s and, according to hot mic audio, shouting, “Can someone change my diaper?”

Political analysts are divided on whether the diaper comment was literal, symbolic, or just part of Trump’s growing portfolio of stupidity.

Meanwhile, public response to the convoy deployment has ranged from confused to “how is this real life?”—as many point out that peaceful protest is a constitutional right, and sending military force to stop it might be slightly, ever so slightly, fascist.

Okay, completely fascist.

As for Trump, he’s reportedly working on a new campaign slogan: “Make America Riot Again.” Sources close to him say he’s already ordered the hats—and yes, they’re camouflage.

Man Who’s Never Won Anything Continues Hating Lando Norris from the Sidelines

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 10 Jun 2025 12:00:10 GMT

"Let’s focus on Lando actually getting good starts, and then we can talk about me."

MONTREAL —Local man Derek Fulton has continued his tireless campaign of hating on Formula 1 driver Lando Norris—despite having never won anything, ever, in any category of life. And it’s not like he hasn’t tried. He has tried. And still hasn’t won. Anything. Ever. He’s tried a lot, actually.

“He’s just not that good,” said Fulton, from a folding chair in his garage, surrounded by a half-finished project car and a PlayStation 1 controller. “Overrated. Overhyped. Over there smiling again like he finished ahead of Piastri or something. He makes me sick.”

Fulton, 37, has never driven anything faster than a 2009 Toyota Camry with a missing hubcap. Still, he insists that his years of watching highlight reels on YouTube qualify him to critique Norris’s every decision, facial expression, and helmet design.

“Lando’s weak in wheel-to-wheel battles,” Fulton continued, while breathing heavily from the exertion of opening a bag of chips. “He can’t handle pressure. Unlike me—I once got a triple kill in Warzone without a headset.”

Friends say Fulton’s obsession began in 2021 when Norris’s post-race interviews started showing up on his Instagram feed. “It just spiraled,” said longtime acquaintance Jake Ramirez. “One minute he’s watching the McLaren YouTube channel, the next he’s three hours deep into a Reddit thread called LandoMid and trying to explain tire degradation to his mom.”

When asked what driver he actually supports, Fulton hesitated before muttering, “Used to be Mazepin. Now I mostly root for Piastri.”

Psychologists have identified Fulton’s behavior as part of a broader condition known as Projection-Induced Fan Rage , often affecting men whose greatest accomplishments involve once being good at FIFA and still bringing it up in conversation.

“Criticizing high-achieving individuals gives them a temporary sense of control,” explained Dr. Leah Patterson. “In Derek’s case, hating Lando Norris fills the void where personal success or self-reflection might otherwise be.”

Despite overwhelming evidence that his efforts are futile, Fulton remains committed to his cause. “He’ll choke again, just wait,” he said, while adjusting his anime profile picture and preparing another 2,000-word Reddit post no one asked for.

When asked if he might ever redirect this passion into improving his own life, Fulton scoffed.

“Bro. Let’s focus on Lando actually getting good starts, and then we can talk about me.”

Texas Prioritizes Future of Children, Says: Roll Coal, Not Weed

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 12:00:02 GMT

One builds character.

AUSTIN —To secure a brighter future—and definitely no other motive—for the next generation, Texas lawmakers are moving to ban all THC products in the state, including vapes, gummies, and drinks that provide consumers with pleasure, pain relief, PTSD treatment, and a bunch of other benefits with nearly nonexistent negative effects. This, officials claim, is the best way to save the future of the state without doing anything that actually solves a problem—especially if you believe climate change isn’t real. And if you think about it, rolling coal is a more family-friendly activity than marijuana anyway.

“We’re here to protect the children,” said State Senator Dale Whitmore, while casually pouring diesel on a campfire during the press conference. “Marijuana sends the wrong message. Texas needs to go back to its traditions—big trucks and cowboy hats. That’s Texas.”

The new campaign, dubbed "Roll Coal, Not Weed," aims to redirect young people away from what lawmakers call “modern reefer madness” and toward more respectable pastimes like rolling coal and fracking.

“Look, weed just makes you lazy,” said local father and amateur coal roller Kenny McGraw, while pointing at his son’s bedroom window. “If he was out rolling coal, he’d be getting things done and protecting his environment.”

The initiative includes incentives such as tax breaks for smoke-tuned diesels and coal-rolling permits issued to teenagers who promise to talk crap about Californians. Meanwhile, dispensaries across the state have been raided and replaced with vape shops that only sell the kind of juice that gives you popcorn lung.

Not everyone is thrilled with the shift. Environmental experts have warned that encouraging rolling coal could accelerate climate change and respiratory illness. Texas officials responded with a 40-truck burnout at a church.

“Are we supposed to sit around and let people get pain relief and come up with profound shower thoughts?” asked Lieutenant Governor Brent Parker. “No sir. We want aggression. We want strength. We want our kids to grow up knowing how to smoke out a Prius without flinching.”

As for the children themselves, reactions have been mixed. Some teens have already posted celebratory TikToks using the #CoalIsTheFuture hashtag, while others are reportedly developing a new strain of weed that smells like diesel in an effort to fly under the radar.

But for Texas leadership, the mission is clear.

“If it’s giving you pain relief and helping you relax,” said Senator Whitmore, “then it’s not building character.”

Millennial Devastated to Discover He Still Feels 38 After Buying Sports Car

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 07 Jun 2025 12:00:00 GMT

"I was still me—just lower to the ground."

CORONA —Thirty-eight-year-old Juan Terez has come to terms with the fact that purchasing a two-seater sports car has done absolutely nothing to reverse his age. Turns out there’s no cure for a mid-life crisis.

“I thought it would fix everything,” said Terez, staring blankly at his newly acquired 2022 Porsche Cayman while nursing an aching back. “I had this vision of myself—wind in my hair, women smiling at me, my knees not making sounds. But the second I stepped out of the dealership, my lower back still hurt.”

Terez, a marketing manager and self-described “car enthusiast,” had spent months researching the perfect car in his meager budget to “bring back the good ol’ days.” He ultimately landed on a manual Cayman after briefly considering a BMW but dismissing it for “being too overdone.”

“I told myself this car was going to be a portal to my twenties,” he said. “But then I got in, and the Bluetooth wouldn’t sync, and I was late to my chiropractor appointment. I was still me—just lower to the ground.”

Friends of Terez were supportive but not surprised. “He thought a Porsche would fix his existential crap,” said longtime friend Derek Tran. “I told him, ‘Dude, the car won’t bring your hair back. Or your knees. Or fix that weird clicking sound when you sit down.’”

Experts say this is a common misconception among aging millennials. “There’s this belief that a sports car is a cheat code for youth,” said psychologist Dr. Elena Ruiz. “What they forget is that youth also involved sleeping on floors and eating gas station sushi that overdrafted your checking account. At best, it just helps you get to the doctor faster.”

Despite the crushing realization, Terez is choosing to remain optimistic. “Look, I may still feel 38, but I now look 38 in a Porsche ,” he said. “And that’s something, right?”

He’s already begun posting filtered photos of the car on social media with captions like ‘Therapy on wheels’ and ‘Age is just a number, but horsepower is forever.’ His wife, however, remains unconvinced. “It’s his crisis,” she said. “I’m just here to make sure he doesn’t try to grow a mustache again.”

For now, Juan continues to drive his dream car, slightly hunched over, Spotify glitching, and wondering why no one warned him that speed can’t outrun time.

Elon Musk Admits He Gifted Trump Cybertrucks “Because They’re for Douchebags”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 18:25:18 GMT

"I thought, yeah, this is the one. This is who we made it for."

AUSTIN —Tesla CEO Elon Musk has admitted that his decision to gift multiple Cybertrucks to Donald Trump was entirely intentional. Not out of any actual love, as Trump claims, but because, in Musk’s words, “They’re for douchebags. It’s literally the brand.”

The statement came during a hastily assembled livestream front the White House curb titled “The Truth About Trump,” in which Musk, surrounded by fencing and a son who wouldn’t stop punching his eye, let off a series of statements that made us all question our reality.

“Look, I’m not saying he’s the only one who fits the demographic,” Musk said, sipping a cup of ketamine laced vodka through a SpaceX-branded straw. “But when you design a truck that looks like a 1950s space movie on meth, you kind of expect it to end up in the hands of people who think turn signals are a form of weakness.”

According to internal Tesla memos leaked shortly after the livestream, the company had a working theory called the “Douche Funnel”—a marketing model designed to attract buyers with a love of MAGA, crypto, and yelling. Trump, apparently, hit all three KPIs within minutes.

“I met up with him at a Mar-a-Lago brunch,” Musk recalled. “He kept calling it a ‘Tesler’ and asked if it came with a button that makes liberals cry. I thought, yeah, this is the one. This is who we made it for.”

Donnie has yet to respond directly, but sources close to Trump say he remains unaware of the insult. “He thinks ‘douchebag’ is a French Big Mac,” one aide confirmed.

Meanwhile, the revelation has sparked a minor identity crisis among current Cybertruck owners. “Am I a douchebag?” asked Kyle Zimmerman, who had just installed a flamethrower add-on and parked his truck across four spaces at Whole Foods. “I thought I was just vibing.”

Tesla’s stock dropped sharply after Musk’s comment, with analysts noting that the brand is “completely ruined.” “At this point, Elon can say whatever he wants. We can’t fail harder than this,” said market strategist Dana Liu.

As for Musk, he ended the livestream by promising an upcoming software update that will allow the Cybertruck to auto-block anyone who isn’t racist.

“I’m just giving the people what they want,” Musk added. “And what they want is a stainless-steel brick that says, ‘I’m a terrible person who makes terrible decisions—but expensively.’”

Amidst Tumultuous Breakup Trump Claims “EVERYTHING IS NOT COMPUTER” After Driving One of Many Cybertrucks Elon Gifted Him

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 17:49:58 GMT

PALM BEACH —In yet another unhinged post, Donald Trump has continued spiraling over the collapse of his highly visible bromance with Elon Musk.

“DROVE TESLER TRUCK ELON GAVE ME BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME AND EVERYTHING IS NOT COMPUTER,”

Trump posted at 3:47 a.m., accompanied by a blurry photo of a Cybertruck parked on what appears to be a golf course.

The post comes just days after reports surfaced of a falling-out between the two man babies, fueled by disagreements over who should get rich off the American people first, who gets to be on Rogan more, and which one of them is the better grifter.

Elon Musk, never one to shy away from a messy public statement, responded quickly. “I only gave him the Cybertruck because they’re for douchebags,” Musk said on X while wearing a cowboy hat made of lithium. “He fits the target market perfectly.”

Insiders say Trump took the breakup hard, repeatedly referring to Musk as “the best African-American I ever hired” before correcting himself and blaming the media for the fallout. “Elon told me I’m like if space was a person. That’s love,” Trump reportedly told aides. “You don’t just forget that kind of science.”

The saga took another twist when Barron Trump, 19, issued a statement of his own: “So does this mean I’m not getting my free Cybertruck anymore? That was kind of the only reason I told my friends to invest in Dogecoin.” Sources close to the youngest Trump say he’s “devastated” and has stopped pretending to act like he loves his father.

While the public dissects every word of Trump’s caps-locked love letter, Cybertruck owners across the country are left wondering what exactly they’ve bought into.

“Elon said these trucks were the future,” said local driver Chad Simmons. “But now I’m questioning everything. If Trump thinks it’s not computer… what is it?”

As the dust settles, both Trump and Musk are expected to move on to new ventures designed to exploit America’s citizens. Trump is rumored to be launching another scam coin called “TeslerCoin,” while Musk has teased buying the presidency of another government.

What’s clear is that in the ever-shifting landscape of billionaire friendships, nothing is sacred—except, perhaps, the binding power of a hideous stainless-steel wedge.

Guy Revving Parked Car at Meet Speaks Out: “I Don’t Care That I’m a Loser”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 12:00:22 GMT

"Some people paint. Some people sing. I hold my gas pedal down..."

FONTANA —Bravely acknowledging his standing in society, 26-year-old Arman Sarkissian, known locally as “That Rev Guy,” has finally addressed the accusations hurled at him every weekend in the parking lots of SoCal car meets.

“I don’t care that I’m a loser,” Sarkissian said, wiping sweat from his brow after holding his VQ35DE at 6,000 RPM for three straight minutes while parked. “People can say what they want. I know deep down they love it, and I’m proud of that.”

Witnesses say Sarkissian was once again doing what he does best—revving his Nissan 350Z in neutral while leaning on the door with sunglasses on—when the crowd began shouting, “What the fuck?” and “Who invited this guy?”

“I yelled, ‘Shut the fuck up!’ and he just stared at me like I was the problem,” said meet attendee Tyler Sanchez. “His car was just sitting there screaming while everyone else was trying to have conversations.”

Sarkissian remains unmoved. “Revving is a form of expression,” he explained. “Some people paint. Some people sing. I hold my gas pedal down in a strip mall parking lot next to a Panda Express. It’s called art.”

Psychologists aren’t so sure. “Revving while parked is often a cry for help,” said Dr. Natalie Cruz. “It stems from deep-rooted insecurities and the inability to make meaningful contributions to a group setting. It’s like peacocking, but louder and somehow sadder.”

Despite mounting criticism, Sarkissian insists he’s doing a public service. “Some people don’t know what raw power sounds like,” he said. “So I show them. Over and over again. At full volume. If you really ask them, they’ll tell you they love it.”

His fellow meet-goers are less convinced. “I saw everyone back away from him in shame while snickering,” said one anonymous Mustang owner. “That should tell you everything.”

According to witnesses, Sarkissian owns several GoPro mounts but no actual GoPros. He has never been seen driving above 35 miles per hour or entering a track, but he does have four Instagram accounts—each followed only by family—dedicated to videos of cold starts.

When asked if he had any plans to take the car out on a proper drive, Sarkissian scoffed. “For what? The parking lot is my canvas. The limiter is my brush. I’m not here to race—I’m here to influence.”

For now, to everyone’s disappointment, Sarkissian remains a fixture at local meets, his stock exhaust echoing across plazas with boba shops as everyone silently agrees to park farther away from him next week.

Pop-Tuned Car Owners 99% Less Likely to Be Able to Read This Headline

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 05 Jun 2025 12:01:06 GMT

"...they’re stupid because their cars backfire. That’s an important distinction."

SAN BERNARDINO —A new study from the Useless Technicals Institute has revealed that 99% of drivers with pop tunes installed on their cars are unable to read the headline of the study itself.

The findings, described as “both alarming and incredibly on-brand,” suggest a strong correlation between backfire-heavy exhaust tunes and a complete breakdown in mental faculties, impulse control, and brain cell retention.

“Honestly, we’re not surprised,” said lead researcher Dr. Melissa Tanaka. “You’re talking about people who willingly flash their ECUs just to make their 2007 BMW 328i sound like it’s getting shot at. Literacy was never really part of the build.”

Pop tunes—also known as “burble tunes” or “the sound of bad decisions”—are software mods that cause excess fuel to ignite in the exhaust, resulting in aggressive pops, bangs, and occasional neighborhood-wide panic that Karens report as gunshots on local apps. While enthusiasts argue that it gives their car “character,” the study indicates it may be giving them something else entirely: irreparable auditory and cognitive damage.

One participant, 22-year-old Steve Carlton, responded to the survey with a voice memo instead of written answers. “Yeah bro, I saw the headline,” he said. “Can’t read it. Anyway, the car sounded sick, huh? Like ‘POP-pop-BANG,’ ya know?”

According to the research team, 87% of respondents thought the term “study” referred to a lofi Spotify playlist. Another 10% attempted to rev their engines in response. The remaining 3% were still trying to spell “tune.”

Critics have called the research cruel and unfair, but Dr. Tanaka defended the results. “We’re not saying they’re stupid and their cars backfire. We’re saying they’re stupid because their cars backfire. That’s an important distinction.”

Local mechanic Danny Alvarez says the trend is reaching dangerous levels. “I had a kid come in asking if I could make his Honda sound like World War III,” Alvarez said. “He said the louder it is, the faster it feels.”

Despite the backlash, the pop-tune community remains unbothered. “They hate us because they ain’t us,” said one unnamed enthusiast while encouraging viewers to check out his “two-step” on Instagram Live. “We just don’t care. Either way, I don’t read.”

With backfires echoing through neighborhoods and critical thinking completely silenced, one thing is clear: the only thing louder than a pop-tuned exhaust is the deafening silence going on upstairs.

Bullfighting Slowly Being Replaced by Mustang Fighting

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 04 Jun 2025 12:00:13 GMT

"The only sport that accurately simulates Mustang car meets."

MADRID —Spain’s iconic bullfighting arenas are now filled with the roar of V8s instead of the snorts of angry livestock. A growing cultural shift is seeing matadors trade in behemoth bulls for the iconic Ford sports car, as Mustang Fighting —a new, tire-squealing bloodsport—begins to overtake the centuries-old practice of bullfighting.

“It was only a matter of time,” said cultural historian Luis Serrano. “Bulls were getting too expensive, and frankly, the younger generation is already used to having to dodge Mustangs. Especially the really dumb ones that attend takeovers.”

The sport’s premise is simple: release a Ford Mustang GT—preferably without traction control and with complete disregard for safety—into the arena at full throttle, piloted by an overconfident, barely-qualified driver. The matador, now referred to as a curbador , must then perform a series of daring dodges, spins, and taunts, all while trying not to become internet footage.

“The danger is real,” said matador-turned-Mustang fighter Rafael Muñoz. “These cars have more torque than the driver has sense. One flick of the steering wheel, and it’s over. You don’t defeat the Mustang—you survive it.”

The format is already gaining traction beyond Spain, with videos of Mustangs plowing through amateur matadors during practice sessions going viral across social media. Enthusiasts call it “the only sport that accurately simulates Mustang car meets.”

Critics, however, have expressed concerns over the ethics and safety of the sport. “Is it really humane to put underqualified drivers in overpowered rear-wheel-drive cars with no stability control?” asked animal rights activist Paula Garcia. “Who is selling these idiots cars?”

In a recent match held in Seville, one Mustang successfully performed four donuts before oversteering directly into the concession stand. Spectators cheered as the matador leapt out of the way, holding his cape high and flipping the driver off in dramatic fashion.

The event ended with traditional fanfare: tow trucks dragging the battered Mustang out of the arena as fans recorded the carnage to farm a few likes on social media.

Asked what separates this from its bovine predecessor, Muñoz replied, “Bulls learn. Mustangs? Never.”

Despite the chaos, attendance is booming, and organizers are already planning themed nights like EcoBoost Challenge and Convertible Carnage to keep things fresh.

One thing’s clear: while bullfighting may be on the way out, Mustang Fighting ensures that danger, drama, and poor decision-making will always have a home with humanity.

RAYS Declares War on Replica Wheels by Releasing Their Own: The “MID” Wheel Line

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 03 Jun 2025 12:00:32 GMT

"They’re not knockoffs, they’re licensed knockoffs. There’s a difference."

OSAKA —In a move the rep wheel community didn’t see coming, prestigious Japanese wheel manufacturer RAYS has launched its very own response to the replica epidemic: a new product range aptly named the “MID” Wheel Line.

That’s right. The same RAYS that once stood as the gold standard of forged wheel craftsmanship has now entered the replica market—not to fight it, but to monetize it. And they’ve done so with the kind of subtlety usually reserved for a straight-piped Honda in a residential zone.

“We wanted to offer a product for the enthusiast who wants the look of real wheels without the soul-crushing cost of actual RAYS wheels,” said marketing director Hiroshi Watanabe. “And let’s be honest—most of them weren’t going to buy the real thing anyway.”

The MID in MID Wheels officially stands for “Maruka Intelligent Design,” referring to the manufacturing partner producing these cast wheels outside Japan. Unofficially, however, the internet has already translated it into “Made It Dumb,” “Mediocre In Disguise,” and simply “Mid,” in the modern Gen Z sense of the word—which might be the most accurate.

The lineup includes models like the R26, R06, and TR50, which look suspiciously like the TE37’s half-baked cousin. They’re lighter on the wallet, heavier on the car, and perfectly suited for the guy who risks his life with replicas of the real thing.

“They’re not knockoffs,” clarified Watanabe. “They’re licensed knockoffs. There’s a difference. Somewhere.”

Enthusiasts are predictably split. Purists have already taken to forums to declare this the end of an era. “They sold out,” said one anonymous commenter who pays for his wheels with Klarna. “I miss when RAYS used to mean something.”

But not everyone’s upset. “This is genius,” said Arjun Patel, proud owner of a ‘clean’ FRS and exactly $61 in his checking account. “Now I can flex RAYS branding without a forged wheel budget. My eBay seller is pissed.”

RAYS maintains the MID line is meant to expand their reach and offer better alternatives to true counterfeit products. “If people are going to buy replicas anyway,” Watanabe explained, “they may as well buy ours.”

Whether this is a bold strategy to control the replica market or just a brilliantly disguised cash grab, one thing is certain: RAYS has managed to beat the rep wheel game by becoming its final boss.

Zak Brown Covers Old Tattoos with New One After Piastri's Spanish Grand Prix Victory

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 02 Jun 2025 12:00:35 GMT

Nothing, it seems, is truly permanent—especially not love and admiration.

BARCELONA —McLaren CEO Zak Brown has unveiled a new tattoo celebrating Oscar Piastri's recent victory at the Spanish Grand Prix. This latest ink reportedly covers previous tattoos dedicated to Lando Norris.

Brown, known for commemorating significant team milestones with tattoos, previously celebrated Norris’s first F1 win at the 2024 Miami Grand Prix by getting the Miami circuit inked on his right arm. That tattoo joined an earlier tribute to the Monza circuit, a reminder of Daniel Ricciardo’s 2021 Italian Grand Prix victory. But in the ruthless world of motorsport, permanence is an illusion.

According to sources close to the team, Brown’s decision to replace the Miami tattoo with an elaborate design of Piastri’s face was made within hours of the race. “Zak was already texting his tattoo artist before Oscar even crossed the finish line,” said a McLaren team member. “He told them to make it ‘big, bold, and fast—but especially Australian.’”

The new tattoo, covering the Miami design, features Piastri’s signature introverted pose. This has left Lando Norris feeling a bit confused—and like yesterday’s news. “I thought my Miami win meant something,” Norris said with a forced smile. “But I’m still the number one driver, right? Right?”

Norris’s frustration hints at a perceived deeper tension within McLaren. While Piastri’s breakout brilliance has been impossible to ignore, Norris has been a consistent performer for the team, and his own victories once seemed monumental enough for permanent ink. But much like how the F1 fan base has turned its back on Norris despite his success, Brown’s arm has become a rotating billboard of driver achievement. Nothing, it seems, is truly permanent—especially not love and admiration.

When asked about the change, Brown was unapologetic. “It’s about celebrating success,” he explained, clearly proud of his latest ink. “Oscar’s win was a monumental achievement, and I wanted to honor that. Lando’s still a star driver, and who knows—there’s always more space on Andrea’s arm.”

Piastri, for his part, offered his usual calm and monotonous reaction to the tribute. “It’s flattering, I suppose. I didn’t expect it, but it’s a unique way to celebrate,” he said. “Hopefully, it doesn’t become a trend.”

Inside the McLaren garage, whispers of a friendly rivalry have intensified. Mechanics have reportedly started a pool on which driver will earn the next tattoo, with some joking that Norris might try to tattoo Brown himself.

As McLaren continues its strong performance this season, fans and team members alike will be watching to see if Brown’s tattoos continue to evolve—or if Norris can achieve even more greatness than he already has, and reclaim his rightful spot on his boss’s bicep.

Verstappen Defends Dangerous Move on Russell: “I Didn’t Hear No Bell”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sun, 01 Jun 2025 19:04:55 GMT

"Sometimes things get spicy. I have some tissues if he needs them."

BARCELONA —Sunday’s Spanish Grand Prix took a turn for the worst—or best?—when Max Verstappen, clearly channeling Mario Kart or perhaps just his inner diva, defended a highly questionable move on George Russell by simply stating: “I didn’t hear no bell,” while flailing his fists up and down and moving side to side.

The incident, which occurred in the final laps of the race, saw Verstappen lunge back at Russell with what appeared to be more emotion than strategy—diving aggressively into Turn 1, leaving both cars dancing on the edge of disaster and several race stewards salivating at the rare chance to give Verstappen some penalty points.

“Yeah, I felt it was deliberate,” Russell said post-race, still visibly annoyed and polishing his helmet like he’d just left the trenches. “We’d been racing hard, I got past him fair and square, and then suddenly—boom—he’s sending it like we’re in one of his sim lobbies.”

Verstappen, who held onto a points-paying position—just one point—after the move but drew the ire of both fans and FIA officials, remained unapologetic. “Look, if someone gets ahead of me and I don’t like it, I’m going to remind them who’s in charge,” he said, adjusting his cap with feigned calmness, making it clear he absolutely did hear the bell—but chose violence anyway. “This is racing. Sometimes things get spicy. I have some tissues if he needs them.”

Observers were quick to pick up on the quote, a nod to the sophisticated musings of South Park 's Randy Marsh, who popularized the battle cry for unhinged comebacks. Verstappen’s use of it suggests he sees himself as an underappreciated underdog. That’s no way to treat a four-time world champion.

“Honestly, they’re lucky both cars made it out intact,” said former driver and current commentator David Coulthard. “It was less ‘controlled aggression’ and more ‘screw it, let’s see what happens.’ Verstappen’s move looked like it was sponsored by ten-year-old energy.”

While stewards did hand Verstappen three penalty points—likely just to satisfy their primal urge to penalize someone—social media exploded. Verstappen responded by promoting new I Didn’t Hear No Bell shirts, with proceeds going toward his fines and a little pocket change in case he’s banned from racing.

Even Mercedes team principal Toto Wolff weighed in. “Maybe Max didn’t see George,” he said dryly. “But that would mean he’s completely blind. So he should either retire from racing—or come to Mercedes. We can cure blindness. Tell Jos that.”

With the championship still wide open and Verstappen’s meme-driven mindset clearly activated, fans can only hope the next rounds don’t involve a flying elbow or a folding chair.

Aston Martin Reserve Drivers Can’t Stop Winking as They Wish Lance Stroll a Speedy Recovery

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 31 May 2025 22:10:47 GMT

BARCELONA —Aston Martin reserve drivers Felipe Drugovich and Stoffel Vandoorne gathered to publicly “thank” Lance Stroll for doing the “honorable” thing—completing qualifying before promptly withdrawing from the Spanish Grand Prix, thus ensuring neither of them gets to race.

“I really wish him a speedy recovery,” said Vandoorne while winking suspiciously. “He really powered through Q1 and Q2 just enough to block both of us from driving. That’s sure commitment to team goals.”

Felipe Drugovich, meanwhile, brought a small cake with the words ‘Get Well Soon-ish’ piped on top in green frosting. “It’s amazing, really,” he said, patting the seat of the now-sidelined AMR25. “Lance went out there, risked it all, qualified 14th, and stopped just in time . I don’t want to say this feels intentional, so I won't, but you know.”

Formula 1 regulations clearly state that once a driver participates in qualifying, the car is locked in with that driver. If said driver later withdraws—say, with a mysteriously-timed flare-up of a cycling injury—no substitution is allowed. Aston Martin, thus, will field only one car for Sunday’s race, piloted by Fernando Alonso, who was last seen muttering to himself while polishing his sunglasses.

“We support Lance’s decision,” said a visibly exhausted Aston Martin spokesperson. “He communicated his pain clearly after qualifying, before qualifying he didn't say anything, but after it was very clear.”

The tension has reportedly created an awkward vibe in the paddock. Team personnel overheard Vandoorne telling mechanics, “Don’t worry, I’ll just sit here in full race gear for no reason. I can use my imagination.” Drugovich, on the other hand, was caught practicing interviews in the mirror, repeatedly saying, “First of all, I’d like to thank the team for the opportunity I never got.”

When asked if they’d be ready to step in for future races, both drivers responded in unison: “Of course. We were ready to step into this one.”

As for Lance Stroll, sources say he’s recovering comfortably and has zero risk of letting a reserve driver feel important.

Meanwhile, the reserve driver seat at Aston Martin remains the most well-compensated way to experience deep personal disappointment in motorsport.

F1 Fan Defends Monaco GP Amid Criticism: “It’s the Best Nap I’ve Ever Had”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 31 May 2025 19:25:08 GMT

MONACO —As Formula 1 faces growing calls to remove the Monaco Grand Prix from the calendar, one devoted fan is speaking out in its defense—for reasons that could end up giving you more power.

“It’s the best nap I’ve ever had,” said 34-year-old Lionel Duarte, clutching a half-finished Monster and a memory foam pillow during a post-race interview. “Every year, I look forward to Monaco because of the pure, uninterrupted serenity. That gentle engine hum, the parade of cars, the commentators pretending something’s happening—it’s S-tier lullaby content.”

While critics argue that the Monaco GP has devolved into a parade with billionaires trapped in a high-speed traffic jam, Lionel sees things differently. “You have to understand the art of it,” he explained. “Where else can I fall asleep during Lap 10 and wake up to see literally nothing has changed? It’s consistency at its finest.”

F1 fans online haven’t been as forgiving. Social media lit up with complaints after this year’s event, ranging from “worst race of the season” to “I’ve seen airport runways with more action.” But Lionel remains undeterred.

“The way that race just renders you unconscious—it’s magical,” he said. “People want drama. Not me. I want boring. Monaco is the chamomile tea of motorsport.”

Even Formula 1 personnel are divided. Race engineer Marta López sympathizes with the fatigue. “I get it,” she said. “I was updating tire data and straight-up passed out on my laptop.”

Still, with mounting pressure to make the race more competitive, Lionel has started a petition to protect what he calls “better rest than Sit ‘n Sleep could provide.”

“I don’t need DRS zones or wheel-to-wheel battles,” he insisted. “I just need Norris… or Piastri—make it Piastri—in clean air and the soft ambient whine of a processional street circuit. My REM cycles depend on it.”

F1 has yet to make a final decision on the future of Monaco. But if the Grand Prix is ever axed, Lionel says he’ll be ready.

“I’ll just start watching Danica Patrick commentary,” he said. “That knocks me out cold by the formation lap.”

Whether Monaco stays or goes, one thing is clear: for some fans, the thrill of racing lies in the comfort of going back to sleep after waking up at 3 in the morning for the race.

Nathan Fielder Exploits Loophole to Drive F1 Car at Spanish Grand Prix

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 31 May 2025 16:12:32 GMT

"I used the regulations," Fielder stated

BARCELONA —Leaving the Formula 1 paddock shocked, comedian Nathan Fielder has reportedly used a legal loophole to drive a Formula 1 car during the Spanish Grand Prix— as a driver of record.

According to documents obtained through a suspiciously well-formatted press kit, Fielder registered as “Nathan Fielder LLC,” a logistics consulting company that was somehow granted “non-commercial competition access” through a clause originally meant for promotional vehicle demos. Instead of performing the typical demo lap in a vintage car, Fielder strapped into a 2025 F1 chassis and joined the actual grid.

“Nobody really noticed until he started using the in-car radio to ask what all the buttons meant,” said McLaren strategist Lucia Fernandez. “He also asked if Lando would be interested in playing a fictional version of himself in a severely unsettling reality show called Chasing Piastri .”

The car, believed to be a spare chassis provided by a team that “wishes to remain anonymous,” completed 12 laps before anyone questioned the presence of a man doing 270 km/h with a laptop in the cockpit.

“I used the regulations,” Fielder stated during a post-race interview, visibly sweating through his borrowed fireproof suit, which was at least two sizes too big. “They said a corporate entity could conduct ‘testing’ during the event. And as someone who is constantly testing social limits, I qualified both literally and emotionally.”

Team principals were divided. “It’s absurd, but technically not illegal,” shrugged Red Bull’s Christian Horner. “Honestly, it’s the most convincing performance by a midfield driver we’ve seen all year. He might replace Yuki.”

Fielder, who was seen quietly blending into the background during team photos and consistently refusing to use more than 60% throttle, claims the act was part of a longform performance piece called The Lap of Legitimacy.

“I didn’t want to just watch F1,” he explained. “I wanted to become part of it—to immerse myself in a role no one asked for and no one could stop. That’s art.”

The FIA, when reached for comment, admitted they were unsure how to sanction someone who technically didn't violate any rules and isn’t affiliated with Formula 1 in any way. “We're launching a review,” said spokesperson Marco Bellini. “But let’s be honest—half our rules are written to unfairly punish drivers. We don’t know how to handle real exploits by geniuses like this.”

As for Fielder, he’s already planning his next move: entering Le Mans through a Garage 56 loophole designed as a victory for high-functioning introverts.

Whether loophole or legend, one thing is clear—Nathan Fielder is now the only man to legally pilot both a commercial airliner and a Formula 1 car, without once being qualified to do either.

David Blaine Stuns World with Greatest Illusion Yet: Finishing Project Car On Time

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 31 May 2025 12:00:10 GMT

It's not supposed to be possible

LAS VEGAS —Defying logic, reason, and every known law of automotive reality, magician David Blaine has stunned the world by completing a project car on time .

The reveal took place outside a nondescript garage in Nevada, where Blaine—with severely oil-stained jeans and a thousand-yard stare—emerged next to a fully built, running, and tuned Nissan 240SX. The build was completed in just eight weeks, with no shipping delays, no missing parts, and no lagging. Witnesses gasped. Some even cried. A few project car owners collapsed in disbelief.

“I’ve made planes disappear, levitated over the desert, and held my breath underwater for 17 minutes,” said Blaine at the press conference. “But none of that compares to finishing a project car before the date you told the homie it would be done.”

Skeptics initially assumed the car was just a shell with no engine or brakes, but Blaine silenced critics by revving the motor and executing a flawless donut. Several onlookers had to be treated for shock after realizing that even the alignment was already done.

“It’s the most dangerous trick I’ve ever attempted,” Blaine admitted. “There were moments I thought it couldn’t be done. I listed the incomplete car on Facebook Marketplace twice.”

Project car owners across the globe are grappling with the implications. “It’s not possible,” muttered local enthusiast Carlos Medina, staring blankly at his Miata. “I’ve been rebuilding my diff since 2002.”

Blaine reportedly refused to reveal how he was able to pull off the impossible. “He didn’t even go to Harbor Freight once,” said shop neighbor Linda Reyes. “He just… had the right tools.”

The automotive community has reacted with a mix of awe and fear. “If this is real, it changes everything,” said forum moderator @BoostedDad69. “We might actually have to start working on these things?”

“We’re entering dangerous territory,” Blaine said solemnly. “But I believe in magic. I am magic.”

As the 240SX idled reliably in the background, a single tear rolled down the cheek of a nearby mechanic. “I didn’t believe,” he whispered. “But now... anything is possible.”

Blaine then disappeared in a puff of tire smoke, leaving behind only the faint smell of burnt oil and the pain of every procrastinating car enthusiast.

Man Fulfills Lifelong Dream of Going to Cars & Coffee, Standing Around Until It’s Time to Leave

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 30 May 2025 12:00:18 GMT

"We’re not here to interact..."

IRVINE —Local man Daniel Álvarez achieved his lifelong dream this past Sunday when he attended Cars & Coffee, did a lap, stood around for nearly two hours without saying much, and then left.

“It was everything I hoped it would be,” said Álvarez, proudly sipping now-cold coffee from a paper cup. “I parked, I walked around aimlessly for a bit, I nodded at some engines, and then I left. Perfect morning.”

Álvarez, 36, has reportedly been preparing for this moment since high school, when he first saw a photo of three men in cargo shorts standing around a Corvette. “That’s when I knew,” he recalled. “One day, that would be me.”

Sources confirm that Álvarez arrived promptly at 6:47 a.m.—as any true enthusiast does—with no plan to talk to anyone. “I just kind of hovered near a GT3 for a while,” he explained. “I nodded at the owner. He nodded back. That’s what it’s about.”

Attendees say Álvarez is a classically trained car enthusiast: a slow lap around the lot, a brief stare at a car close to yours but just a little bit better, and the traditional expression of “That’s clean.” He then stood in place for 34 straight minutes, silently guarding his car like hired security.

“He didn’t say much, but that’s the vibe,” said fellow attendee Mark Castillo. “We’re not here to interact. We’re here to radiate vague judgment and cycle our car batteries.”

According to eyewitnesses, Álvarez actually did talk to a few people. “He asked me where I got my wheels,” said one attendee. “He was also overheard saying, ‘Yeah, that’s mine over there.’”

Experts say this kind of fulfillment is common among enthusiasts. “Cars & Coffee isn’t about cars or coffee,” explained automotive sociologist Dr. Elena Mora. “It’s about standing around, standing near your hood, achieving nothing, and calling it ‘hard parked.’”

Álvarez’s only regret? “I should’ve peed before I got there,” he admitted. “The coffee shop charged to use the bathroom.”

As the meet wrapped up and everyone left without saying goodbye, Álvarez walked back to his Corolla with a full heart and an empty bladder. “I finally did it,” he said, staring into the middle distance. “I lived the dream.”

He is expected to return next weekend to do it all over again—this time bringing a chair he won’t use.

Steamboat Willie Linked to Cadillac F1 Seat Amid Disney-F1 Deal

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 29 May 2025 12:00:02 GMT

No one has experience fitting a five-foot mouse into a cockpit.

BURBANK —Steamboat Willie, the original Mickey-inspiring menace with a steering wheel addiction, is reportedly in advanced talks with the Cadillac F1 team for a 2026 race seat.

The rumor gained traction following the newly inked deal between Disney and Formula 1, which promises “innovative content integrations” across Disney’s vast media empire. Apparently, “content integration” now includes giving a cartoon mouse from 1928 a shot at Monaco.

“Willie represents the pioneering spirit of motorsport,” said Cadillac spokesperson Trent Granger. “He’s been behind the wheel longer than anyone on the grid. Yes, it was mostly tugboats, but the fundamentals are there. Honestly, he'd pair up well with Checo Pérez.”

Sources close to the deal say Disney pushed hard for the crossover, reportedly citing “brand synergy,” “nostalgia value,” and “Do it or we’ll stop giving you money.”

“People keep asking if it’s safe,” said Disney rep Marisol Rivera. “He can’t get hurt. We’ve digitally remastered his reflexes.”

Team insiders say negotiations are being held up by licensing issues and concerns that Willie’s whistle might violate FIA decibel limits. Additionally, no one has experience fitting a five-foot mouse into a cockpit—or getting the helmet past his ears.

“He doesn’t blink,” noted future Cadillac reserve driver Liam Lawson. “I tried making eye contact. He just tilted his head and tooted that little horn. It’s... unsettling.”

Critics have called the move a desperate PR stunt. “This is what happens when corporate synergy gets behind the wheel,” said F1 analyst Diego Montes. “First it’s Steamboat Willie—next it’s Goofy in charge of the FIA.”

Still, the garage seems cautiously optimistic. “He doesn’t complain, doesn’t tweet, and he’s never asked for a simulator session,” said one engineer. “We just haven’t figured out how to mount this steamboat wheel yet.”

When reached for comment, Steamboat Willie simply whistled, spun the wheel furiously, and pointed at his hand as if to say, “Pay me, bitch.” Sources close to the situation say that’s just how Disney is.

If finalized, Willie will become the first silent-era cartoon to compete in F1—marking yet another strange chapter in a sport that once gave Nikita Mazepin a contract.

Dominic Toretto’s Family Breaks Silence: “We’re Honestly Sick of That Guy”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 27 May 2025 12:00:16 GMT

"You guys don’t know what real family actually is..."

LOS ANGELES —Breaking a façade of two decades of cinematic unity, the family of Dominic Toretto—the gravel-voiced street racer, car-to-car jumper, and self-appointed patron saint of "family"—has publicly confessed that they are, in fact, absolutely done with him.

“We can’t stand him,” said his cousin Ernesto Toretto, visibly exhausted. “Everything is ‘family this, family that.’ The guy shows up to every cookout in a tank top and gives a monologue about loyalty if you so much as grab the last Corona. Unless it's his street racer buddies—then he’s down to build them a brand-new Supra. I’ve been waiting for him to change my oil for eight months.”

The statement comes after a particularly tense gathering where Dominic reportedly tried to drag race a neighbor’s lawnmower because “disrespect was shown.” Witnesses say the cookout was immediately derailed as Dom turned a simple barbecue into a full-scale quarter-mile grudge match. Again.

“Look, I love him, I really do,” said Dom’s sister’s boyfriend’s mechanic’s nephew, Julio. “But the man turned my birthday party into a shootout. He doesn’t even bring gifts—just a six-pack of Corona and 'life lessons.'”

Longtime ally Letty Ortiz reportedly stepped in mid-toast after the family told Dominic to shut up, reminding everyone, yet again, that the only thing more important than horsepower is la familia . “You guys don’t know what real family actually is,” she yelled—at his actual family. “They’re ungrateful.”

Psychologists are now studying the effects of prolonged exposure to Dominic’s ideology, which they’ve coined “Torettosis”—a condition where every decision must be justified by abstract, undefined concepts of loyalty, speed, or Coronas.

“He refuses to fly commercial,” added cousin Angela Toretto. “He says if family cared about him, they’d upgrade him to first class. We just wanted to go to Hawaii, bro. He won’t give it up.”

The tipping point appears to have come during a family game night, when Dom tried to hotwire a toaster to “teach the kids about wiring.” The power went out, Grandma cried, and the driveway is still covered in oil stains.

Despite the backlash, Dominic remains unmoved. In a statement delivered while casually rebuilding a carburetor one-handed, he declared: “You don’t turn your back on family, even when they turn their back on you. Then you just replace them with new family that stays loyal. Like Brian. RIP.”

As for the rest of the Toretto clan? They’ve started a support group, Family Against Dom , and are considering changing their last name—if they can find a court brave enough to approve it.

Piastri Now Just 2 Wins Away from Being 4 Wins Ahead of Norris

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 26 May 2025 12:00:05 GMT

"Norris navigated flawlessly—almost as if he’s champion-caliber..."

MONACO —Oscar Piastri is now just two wins away from being four wins ahead of teammate Lando Norris. This revelation comes on the heels of the 2025 Monaco Grand Prix, where Norris clinched victory—hoping that people will stop being so mean and finally see that he's good too, and that they should be nice to him like they are to Piastri.

"Wait, so I’m still ahead by two races?" Piastri asked, visibly perplexed. "That doesn’t seem right. I’m still ahead by that much?"

The McLaren garage has reportedly installed a whiteboard titled “Piastri vs. Norris: The Win Gap,” featuring a complex diagram of arrows, numbers, and a ton of red string. Team principal Andrea Stella declined to comment, citing a sudden need to “adhere to papaya rules.”

Norris, fresh off his Monaco triumph, appeared unfazed by the numerical gymnastics. “I’m just here to drive fast and occasionally understand what’s going on,” he said, sipping from his champagne bottle. “Oscar better watch out or I’ll be number one soon.”

The Monaco Grand Prix itself was a spectacle of strategy and precision. Norris secured pole position and maintained his lead throughout the race, fending off challenges from Ferrari’s Charles Leclerc and Piastri, who finished second and third, respectively. The race’s new two-stop rule added an extra layer of complexity, but Norris navigated it flawlessly—almost as if he’s champion-caliber.

In the aftermath, fans have taken to social media to debate the implications of a Norris win. One user tweeted, “With this Norris win, do we leave him alone now?”

As the season progresses, the battle between Piastri and Norris promises to be as much about mental toughness as it is about on-track prowess. With the Spanish Grand Prix on the horizon, both drivers are undoubtedly recalibrating their strategies—and perhaps silencing some doubters. Perhaps.

In the meantime, McLaren’s team meetings have reportedly been punctuated by heated debates over the correct driver order, with one PR rep overheard saying, “It doesn’t matter if you’re better.”

Used Audis Selling for Dirt Cheap Right Now—Before Too, But Also Right Now.

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 24 May 2025 12:00:09 GMT

"...the perfect choice for anyone who wants high-end engineering without the burden of reliability."

LOS ANGELES —Continuing a proud tradition, used Audis are reportedly selling for dirt cheap right now—just as they always have, but also now.

Local car enthusiast Carlos Ramirez confirmed the situation firsthand. “I picked up a 2015 Audi A6 for less than my monthly grocery bill,” he said. “Sure, the dashboard is a Christmas tree of warning lights, and the transmission has a mind of its own, but those are just Audi things. It’s luxury—you wouldn’t understand.”

Used car dealerships are practically giving the cars away, with sales representatives explaining that it’s all part of Audi’s long-standing brand heritage. “At Audi, we believe in making luxury cars that depreciate dramatically,” said dealership manager Linda Chen. “Cars priced so low, you’d be stupid not to be suspicious.”

According to auto industry analyst Rebecca Clarke, this phenomenon is nothing new. “Audis have always been a disastrous gateway to luxury and a lifelong subscription to pain,” she explained. “They’re the perfect choice for anyone who wants to experience high-end engineering without the burden of reliability.”

Online forums are buzzing with testimonials from proud new Audi owners sharing their stories of unbeatable deals. “I paid $3,000 for a 2004 A4,” posted one user. “The engine only occasionally misfires, and the sunroof only leaks when it’s raining.”

But even as used Audis fly off Facebook Marketplace, mechanics are celebrating. “I love Audis. They’re like a paycheck with wheels,” said local mechanic James Ortiz. “Seriously. They’re putting my kids through college!”

Audi owners maintain that the low prices are a win for everyone. “You’re getting a luxury badge, and we’re getting these ticking time bombs out of our driveways,” said Steven. “It’s a beautiful system.”

For those still on the fence, experts recommend bringing a diagnostic scanner and a certified exorcist before making a purchase. But for the brave, the reward is a genuine taste of Volkswagen engineering—at least for a few weeks.

As the market for used Audis continues to plummet, insiders suggest that some buyers are stocking up as a hedge against future repair costs. “At these prices, you might as well buy two,” said Ramirez. “One for driving, one for parts.”

When reached for comment, an Audi spokesperson simply said, “Du wurdest betrogen,” which roughly translates to “Nice Buy!” We think .

F1 to Skip Monaco Qualifying, Declare Winner Based on Pit Stop Average to Save Everyone the Trouble

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 23 May 2025 23:27:22 GMT

"...the only part of the race where anything actually happens."

MONACO —Looking to "spice things up" without actually fixing the real problem, Formula 1 has announced that qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix will be scrapped entirely. Instead, the winner will now be determined by whichever driver achieves the fastest average time across two pit stops.

The decision comes amid growing criticism that the Monaco GP has become less of a race and more of a slow, expensive parade. With overtaking on track about as likely as a Stake podium, F1 officials say the new format will “shift the focus to what really matters: stopwatch drama in a tiny, roped-off box.”

“Monaco has such a rich heritage,” said F1 executive director Gilles Laurent. “That’s why we’re excited to focus on pit stops—the only part of the race where anything actually happens. And this way, we don’t have to change anything major.” Like, say, the circuit itself.

Drivers are expected to complete their first pit stop sometime before Lap 30, with the second happening after Lap 40. The average of the two will determine the podium, while everything else—the tires, the turns, the actual racing—will be mostly for shits and giggles.

“I love it,” said Red Bull’s Max Verstappen. “Now I can hit the sim rig Saturday night and just focus on nailing a 2.1 and a 2.3 on Sunday. I finally get to focus on my true passion.”

Others are more skeptical. “So let me get this straight,” said McLaren’s Oscar Piastri. “We’re racing to the pit lane now? At this rate, next year we’ll just throw the trophies at the safety car.”

F1 defended the decision, citing fan engagement metrics and a desire to “modernize tradition

without touching the sacred parts everyone complains about.” A spokesperson elaborated: “Fans want excitement, but we also want to respect history—by ignoring every single practical solution to the actual problem.”

Meanwhile, engineers are scrambling to develop pit-lane-optimized setups. One team has already begun testing wheels that pre-detach before the stop to save 0.04 seconds.

As the sport continues to chase spectacle over substance, one thing remains clear: Formula 1 will try anything to improve the Monaco GP—except the one thing that might work.

Automaker Tackles Danger of Oversized Cars by Adding Exterior Airbags

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 23 May 2025 12:00:16 GMT

Because that’s the problem, obviously.

DETROIT —In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking safety initiative, a major automaker has announced an innovative solution to combat the growing dangers of oversized vehicles: exterior airbags. The new system, which the company is calling ‘SafeSpace Air,’ is designed to protect pedestrians, cyclists, and other drivers from the unintended consequences of cars that have ballooned to the size of small apartment complexes.

“Safety is our top priority,” said company spokesperson Lisa Reynolds during a press briefing. “We recognize that vehicles have become significantly larger in recent years, and we’re proud to introduce the best solution anyone could come up with—a technology that cushions the impact of our gigantic cars when they inevitably collide with something.”

The SafeSpace Air system deploys a series of large airbags around the exterior of the vehicle, instantly inflating upon detecting any collision. This innovative approach ensures that whether the car is gently nudging a parking pole, sideswiping a compact sedan, or casually mounting a sidewalk, everything in its path will be softly absorbed—because that’s the problem, obviously.

Critics, however, argue that the automaker’s solution completely misses the point. “This is classic,” said transportation safety advocate Rachel Kim. “We have an epidemic of oversized SUVs and trucks with terrible visibility, but instead of making them smaller or easier to maneuver, they’re just padding the outside. They’re solving obesity with a bigger belt.”

Despite the criticism, the automaker insists that exterior airbags are a logical next step. “It’s all about protecting lives,” Reynolds explained. “We’ve also developed a feature where the car’s digital assistant can announce, ‘Watch Out!’ to any pedestrians or compact cars in the area.”

The automaker has also hinted at future safety enhancements, including an optional ‘Pedestrian Horn’ that automatically honks at anyone walking too close, and an ‘Enhanced Visibility Package’ that adds even more cameras and sensors to compensate for the driver’s complete inability to see around their vehicle.

“Safety is a journey, not a destination,” Reynolds concluded. “And as our vehicles continue to grow in size, we will continue to find new and exciting ways to ensure they don’t kill more people. We will do everything.”

When asked about making the vehicles smaller, Reynolds responded simply, “So people have to give up their third-row cupholders? Not that.”

Ferrari Developing Fake Shifters for Their EVs Because “Automatics Are Lame.”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 22 May 2025 12:00:02 GMT

Also introducing a subscription service called ‘Pure Shift’ for an additional $49.99 a month

MARANELLO —Blending cutting-edge technology with real-driver nostalgia, Ferrari has announced that its upcoming line of electric vehicles (EVs) will feature fake shifters—because, as the company put it, “automatics are lame.”

“Our customers have spoken,” said Ferrari’s Chief of Emotion Simulation, Marco Rossi. “They want that raw feeling of shifting a gated shifter like a real driver—a purist. So we’re delivering a revolutionary innovation: a completely pointless shifter that gives you the illusion you’re better than other drivers on the road. It’s the future of driving.”

The fake shifter, officially dubbed the ‘Anti Auto,’ will be a standard feature in all Ferrari EVs starting in 2026. Unlike traditional gear selectors, which are mechanically linked to the transmission, the Anti Auto is purely decorative. Moving it does absolutely nothing except trigger the sound of a high-revving engine—delivered through the car’s premium speaker system, giving drivers a taste of the good ol’ days.

Early adopters of Ferrari’s EVs are reportedly thrilled. “This is exactly what I needed,” said local enthusiast Giorgio Bianchi, who recently preordered the upcoming Ferrari Folgore. “I’ve always loved the feeling of shifting gears, but without the threat of stalling or actually having to know how to drive.”

Critics, however, are less enthusiastic. “This is peak automotive absurdity,” said automotive journalist Clara Hernandez. “It’s like putting a rotary phone in a… well, a Ferrari. But then again, Ferrari buyers are known for spending more than necessary on things they don’t need.”

Ferrari’s engineering team has gone to great lengths to ensure the fake shifter provides a realistic experience. “We studied the weight, resistance, and sound of our most iconic gated manuals,” explained Rossi. “The clack of the lever, the slight resistance—it’s all there, except it’s completely meaningless.”

The company is also introducing a subscription service called ‘Pure Shift’ for an additional $49.99 a month, which will allow owners to customize the sound of their fake shifts. Available options include classic V12, aggressive V8, and the ever-popular “More Than You Can Afford, Pal” mode.

As Ferrari prepares to roll out its nonsense shifter technology, other manufacturers are reportedly taking note. Industry insiders suggest that Porsche is already developing a ‘Manual Mode’ for its electric lineup, where drivers can press a clutch pedal that does absolutely nothing—but with adjustable resistance, so that’s cool.

“Automotive history is a blend of innovation and delusion,” said Rossi. “And we are proud to lead the way in both.”

Court Documents Reveal Diddy as Nation’s Second-Highest Oil Buyer—Right Behind BMW Drivers

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 21 May 2025 12:00:10 GMT

"Diddy’s oil reserves are still no match for the ultimate driving machine."

NEW YORK CITY —Court documents unsealed this week have confirmed that Sean “Diddy” Combs ranks as the second-largest purchaser of oil in the United States—just behind BMW drivers, whose cars apparently leak and consume oil with the same enthusiasm as a Freak Off.

Federal agents, during raids on Combs’ properties in March 2024, reportedly seized over 1,000 bottles of oil. When questioned, Combs’ attorney, Marc Agnifilo, offered a defense that was as smooth as the product in question: “He has a big house, he buys in bulk,” suggesting that the mogul’s penchant for wholesale shopping was to blame for his record-breaking habit.

Costco, upon hearing bulk purchasing mentioned, was quick to distance itself from the slippery situation. The retail giant issued a statement denying any involvement, asserting that none of its U.S. locations carry the oil that Diddy buys. A spokesperson added, “We sell a lot of things in bulk, but Diddy’s oil isn’t one of them. We’re not bad boys for life—we’re good boys for life.”

The sheer volume of oil discovered has led some to speculate about its intended use. While prosecutors allege that the lubricants were stockpiled for events dubbed “Freak Offs”—multi-day, drug-fueled sex parties—others have been distracted by the fact that BMW drivers still top the list despite the staggering amount. Seriously, who the hell buys that much oil? One thing is clear, though—BMW drivers are notorious for their vehicles' insatiable appetite for oil, so it’s no surprise. As one mechanic noted, “BMWs don’t leak oil; they mark their territory.”

Social media has been ablaze with commentary. One user tweeted, “I could use Diddy’s oil stash—I just bought a new BMW. Maybe he was just preparing for a fleet of German engineering.” Another quipped, “At this point, Diddy could open his own Jiffy Lube.”

As the trial unfolds, with Combs facing charges including sex trafficking and racketeering, the public remains captivated—not just by the serious allegations, but by the curious case of the colossal oil cache. Whether the stockpile was intended for illicit parties or not (but probably was), one thing is clear: Diddy’s oil reserves are still no match for the ultimate driving machine.

After Violating Rules in Qualifying, Team Penske’s Newgarden, Power Moved to the Wienie 500

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 21 May 2025 00:46:33 GMT

From winners to Wieners

INDIANAPOLIS —Team Penske's dynamic duo, Josef Newgarden and Will Power, have been relegated from the prestigious Indianapolis 500 to the inaugural "Wienie 500" following a qualifying scandal that has rocked the motorsport community.

The controversy began when IndyCar officials discovered unauthorized modifications to the rear attenuators of Newgarden and Power's cars during the qualifying rounds. These alterations, aimed at providing an aerodynamic edge, were deemed a clear violation of the sport's regulations. As a result, both drivers were penalized, stripped of their qualifying positions, and reassigned to the Wienie 500.

The "Wienie 500" will feature six hot-dog-shaped promotional vehicles racing on the famous oval, each representing a regional U.S. hot dog style. The only style missing is the cheating variety—now fulfilled by Newgarden and Power.

Team Penske has accepted the penalties because they have no choice, since it’s clear they screwed up. "We acknowledge our missteps and are committed to upholding the integrity of the sport—until you catch us again," a team spokesperson stated. "While the 'Wienie 500' isn’t the race we aimed for, we’ll embrace the opportunity to showcase our resilience. At the end of the day, we are wieners no matter what."

The incident has also reignited discussions about the team's previous infractions, including a push-to-pass scandal that led to suspensions and fines. Critics argue that repeated violations tarnish the team’s reputation and call into question the fairness of the competition.

As the motorsport community gears up for the upcoming races, all eyes will be on Team Penske to see how they navigate this latest setback. Whether the "Wienie 500" becomes a turning point or merely a footnote in their storied history remains to be seen. One thing is certain: even the slightest miscalculation can take you from winner to Weiner.

EPA Looks to Improve Start/Stop Tech: Now It Will Keep Your Car Off Permanently

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 20 May 2025 12:00:19 GMT

"...we expect a 100% reduction in tailpipe emissions."

WASHINGTON, D.C. —In an attempt to combat emissions and advance environmental policy, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced a revolutionary improvement to existing start/stop technology in vehicles: from now on, it will simply keep your car off permanently.

“After extensive research, we’ve discovered that two-thirds of global heating is caused by the richest 10%, but we decided the most effective way to reduce vehicle emissions is to ensure regular people’s cars never start at all,” said EPA spokesperson Karen Delgado during a press briefing. “Our improved start/stop system is the ultimate step in environmental responsibility—at least for 90% of you.”

The new system, which will be implemented in all new vehicles starting in 2026, will feature a sophisticated algorithm that determines the best time to turn off your engine—when it’s least convenient, usually immediately upon attempting to turn it on.

“We’re excited to see this technology make a real difference,” added Delgado. “By preventing vehicles from running altogether, we expect a 100% reduction in tailpipe emissions, a dramatic decrease in traffic accidents, and a marked improvement in air quality nationwide. This should help offset most of the emissions caused by all those private jets we’re not going to do anything about.”

Critics, however, are less enthusiastic. “This is ridiculous,” said local commuter Miguel Garcia. “My car already barely turns on, and now they’re just skipping straight to ‘don’t even bother driving?’”

Dealerships are also scrambling to adapt to the new regulations. “We’re not even sure how to market these cars,” admitted Thomas Wilkins, a sales manager at a major automaker. “Are they still cars if they don’t run? Do we list them as conversation pieces now?”

Automakers, however, have already begun to embrace the change. “This is the future,” said a spokesperson for Stellantis. “We’ve already developed an upcoming model, the Chrysler Zero, which features a sleek dashboard that never lights up and an engine bay that can be used as extra garage storage.”

Environmental groups have hailed the new initiative as a groundbreaking achievement. “Finally, we have a solution that balances convenience with sustainability,” said Sierra Green, director of EcoLogic, a non-profit organization. “By making it impossible to drive, the EPA is truly putting the planet first.”

As drivers nationwide prepare to embrace the next evolution of start/stop technology, the EPA is already looking ahead to further innovations. “We’re exploring a new feature that prevents you from even buying a car at all, but don’t worry—it will still allow corporations to pollute the planet,” said Delgado. “It’s all about progress.”

Researchers Discover F1 Fantasy Is the Easiest Way to Learn You Don’t Know Shit About Racing

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 19 May 2025 12:00:15 GMT

Just quit now

LOS ANGELES —Researchers at the leading Useless Technicals Institute (UTI) have confirmed why your fantasy team is putting up single-digit points every week: F1 Fantasy is the easiest way to discover you don’t know shit about racing.

“Our data is clear,” explained lead researcher Dr. Emily Harris. “Participants who claimed to have ‘vast motorsport knowledge’ were instantly humbled by their F1 Fantasy results. The confidence-to-humiliation ratio was off the charts.”

The study tracked 19,000 F1 Fantasy players over the 2024 and 2025 seasons, monitoring their initial confidence, mid-season frustration, and eventual realization that they're a complete disappointment. Researchers noted a pattern of players making bold, confident picks—selecting “underdog drivers” or betting on “unpredictable weather strategies”—only to watch their total points look like a car enthusiast's bank account—after the overdraft fees.

“I thought I knew racing,” admitted Fantasy nerd Josue Perez. “I was like, ‘Oh, Ferrari’s got this one.’ Turns out, they had a pit stop strategy designed specifically to ruin my fantasy chances. I thought about quitting halfway through the season. I should have quit.”

According to the UTI report, the most common phrases recorded from F1 Fantasy players included, “Why did I trust Alpine?” and “How does George Russell keep finishing on the podium? He’s not even on the broadcast.” Researchers found that over 90% of players experienced a steep decline in self-esteem after watching their once-promising fantasy team implode by the first race.

“We’re not surprised,” said Dr. Harris. “The reality is, the closer you think you are to understanding Formula 1, the faster it teaches you that you have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on. The sport’s unpredictability is unmatched—unless you’re betting on Ferrari to self-destruct. That’s basically a safe bet.”

Notably, the UTI study also revealed that F1 Fantasy players who stuck to choosing at random outperformed those who used advanced analytics or tried to mimic team strategies. “Turns out, blind luck is better than trying to outsmart a sport where drivers are swapped like Pokémon cards,” Dr. Harris explained.

As the 2026 F1 season approaches, researchers warn that the same mistakes will likely be made again. “People will keep thinking they’ve figured it out,” said Dr. Harris. “They’ll draft Franco Colapinto because ‘he’s a new hotshot,’ or put all their chips on Aston Martin—only for Lance Stroll to Lance Stroll.”

Despite the crushing disappointment, players continue setting up their F1 Fantasy teams, convinced they’ve learned from their mistakes. They haven’t.

“F1 Fantasy is the world’s greatest teacher,” Dr. Harris concluded. “It’s like going to a casino—things might look good at the beginning, but then you lose your house, your wife divorces you, and everything falls apart—just like Ferrari’s strategy team.”

Two-Time World Champion, 32 Grand Prix Winner, 106 Podium Finisher Fernando Alonso Is the Unluckiest Driver in the Fucking World

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sun, 18 May 2025 14:58:16 GMT

Leave Alonso alone!

IMOLA— Fernando Alonso, the ageless titan of Formula 1, has once again found himself ensnared in the merciless clutches of the motorsport gulag. Despite a commendable fifth-place qualification at the Emilia-Romagna Grand Prix, the race unfolded as a masterclass in how the universe can shower one man with such incredible misfortune.

This latest chapter in Alonso's saga of suffering is, unfortunately, not an isolated incident. The world champion had a tummy ache and didn’t get to eat a full breakfast, too. From millions of dollars to success obtainable by few, Alonso's career has been marred by a series of unfortunate events that would ruin anyone else—they could never understand this level of struggle. At the Australian Grand Prix earlier this year, Alonso didn’t even get to see one kangaroo. It’s unfair.

While some may argue that luck is a fickle mistress, Alonso's string of misfortunes transcends mere chance. It's as if the racing gods have taken a particular interest in ensuring that, no matter how hard he fights, victory remains just out of reach.

As the dust settles on another disappointing race, Alonso's resolve remains completely shaken—yet somehow still characteristic of a world champion. One can't help but wonder: how much more can one man endure? Leave Alonso alone!

In a sport where milliseconds separate glory from despair, Fernando Alonso's 2025 season serves as a poignant reminder that even if you've reached the pinnacle of motorsport victory—twice—you're still extremely unlucky. Here's hoping that the racing gods grant him a reprieve in the races to come.

Giant Touchscreens Are Ruining Cars—It's Time to Bring Back the Single-DIN Hero

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 17 May 2025 12:00:00 GMT

Instant gratification without requiring IT certification

LOS ANGELES —Today car dashboards look more like overpriced iPads than actual control panels, but car enthusiasts are calling for the return of a long-lost hero: the single-DIN non-touchscreen radio. Once the backbone of every sensible car interior, this humble device is now being celebrated as the last beacon of sanity in an industry obsessed with making everything look like a smartphone.

The rise of giant touchscreens has turned basic driving functions into a test of patience and hand-eye coordination. Want to change the radio station? Better spend 10 minutes navigating three menus while your car hurtles toward the nearest ditch. Need to adjust the air conditioning? Prepare for an impromptu game of “Guess Which Icon Does Anything.”

But the single-DIN non-touchscreen radio? It was a simpler time. A time when a dial meant volume, a button meant “next track,” and you could operate everything without having to open a software update. A time when driving didn’t mean a ten-round fight with your own dashboard.

“Honestly, I miss it,” said local car enthusiast Miguel Herrera, staring wistfully at his modern touchscreen unit like a man whose soul has vaporized by his digital overlords. “I used to change stations without looking. Now, if I want to listen to anything that isn’t my GPS yelling at me, I have to actually look at things. It's like when they took keyboards away from my phones.”

Car manufacturers, however, continue to insist that bigger screens are better, arguing that customers love the “sleek, futuristic aesthetic.” But critics argue that there’s nothing futuristic about struggling to find the defrost button while your windshield is giving you 2% visibility at 40 MPH.

“The problem with touchscreens is that they’re a solution to a problem nobody had,” explained automotive historian Linda Martinez. “The single-DIN radio was perfect. It had physical buttons you could use by feel, it never crashed, and if it ever broke, you just pulled it out and replaced it. Try doing that with a 15-inch glued-in glass panel. You could even get those cool ones where the screen popped out!”

In response to growing frustration, some manufacturers are quietly bringing back physical controls, though they continue to be buried under touchscreen options. The single-DIN non-touchscreen radio, meanwhile, has become a cult favorite among enthusiasts, who cherish its ability to provide instant gratification without requiring IT certification.

“At this point, I’d rather have a tape deck than another touchscreen,” said Vanessa Gutierrez, who recently downgraded from a 12-inch infotainment system to a classic single-DIN Pioneer unit. “I mean, who needs a touchscreen for music? I have Spotify on my phone. All I want is a knob I can turn without accidentally turning the AC on.”

As the automotive industry continues its war on common sense, one thing is clear: in a world obsessed with screens, the single-DIN non-touchscreen radio is the hero we didn’t know we needed—until we lost it.

Study Finds Car Enthusiasts Smile More Than Any Other Broke Population on Earth

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 16 May 2025 12:00:09 GMT

"...even when the wheels are literally falling off their dreams."

DETROIT —A new study has revealed that car enthusiasts are the happiest financially struggling group in the world, consistently smiling more than any other broke population. The study, conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, surveyed thousands of car enthusiasts who somehow maintain a relentless sense of joy despite owning multiple project cars, maxed-out credit cards, and a savings account that looks like a fuel gauge on empty.

“We were shocked by the results,” said Dr. Emily Sanchez, the lead researcher. “We expected some level of happiness, sure, but the sheer joy radiating from people with cars that haven’t run since the Obama administration was off the charts. It turns out that even crushing financial despair can’t compete with the excitement of a new cold air intake or hearing a cold start after jumping the battery.”

According to the study, car enthusiasts are 73% more likely to smile while talking about their vehicles than they are while discussing their bank accounts, their jobs, or their significant others. In some cases, subjects were found to have an involuntary smile response simply by hearing words like “turbo,” “track day,” or “dyno run.”

“Honestly, it’s like a coping mechanism,” explained Marcos Ramirez, who currently owns four cars—three of which are on jack stands in his driveway. “Every time I hear the engine fire up, I forget that I spent my bill money on car stuff over the last two months. I mean, you can always pay your bills, but a new engine build? That’s priceless.”

Psychologists believe this phenomenon is linked to a condition they have dubbed “enthusiast euphoria,” a state of irrational joy triggered by the smell of burning oil, the sound of a BOV (blow-off valve), or the simple act of scrolling through used car listings for vehicles they cannot afford.

“Car enthusiasts don’t see problems—they see projects,” said Dr. Sanchez. “And that mindset allows them to maintain an unrealistic level of optimism, even when the wheels are literally falling off their dreams.”

The study also noted that car enthusiasts experience temporary bursts of extreme happiness whenever they convince themselves they’re getting a good deal on a used car, only to return to their baseline stress level when that car arrives in worse condition than their "inspection" originally suggested.

“I mean, who needs financial stability?” laughed Vanessa Gutierrez, a 27-year-old who just traded her reliable daily driver for a rusted 1992 Mazda RX-7 that doesn’t start. “My friends are saving for retirement, but they’ll never know the thrill of holding a freshly powder-coated valve cover.”

As the study makes waves in the scientific community, some experts are calling for more research to understand the connection between happiness and poor financial decisions. But for now, one thing is clear: car enthusiasts may be broke, but their smiles aren’t.

North Dakota Raises Interstate Speed Limit So You Can Escape Faster

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 15 May 2025 12:00:07 GMT

"It’s the best thing the state’s done since… well, ever."

BISMARCK —North Dakota has officially raised its interstate speed limit to 80 miles per hour, citing the need to help residents escape the state more efficiently. The new law, which takes effect immediately, has been described as a "public service" by state officials who say they are simply responding to the harsh realities of living in North Dakota.

“Look, we get it,” said Governor Doug Burgum at a press conference. “The winters are brutal, the summers are relentless, and the closest thing we have to nightlife is watching a tumbleweed blow across an empty parking lot. We figured, why make it hard for people to leave?”

The new speed limit applies to all major interstates, including I-94 and I-29, which now feature signs reading “80 MPH—Or As Fast As You Can!” State troopers, meanwhile, have reportedly been instructed to only pull over vehicles traveling above “escape velocity,” which they have loosely defined as anything above 130 mph.

“It’s about safety, too,” explained North Dakota State Patrol spokesperson Sergeant Mark Reilly. “Studies show that the faster you can leave North Dakota, the less likely you are to get stuck here.”

Local residents have responded with a mix of excitement and relief. “I’ve lived here my whole life, and I thought I was never going to make it out,” said longtime resident Lisa Mendoza. “But now, with the speed limit at 80, I feel like freedom is just a pedal away. It’s the best thing the state’s done since… well, ever.”

Not everyone is thrilled, however. Tourism officials have voiced concerns that the new speed limit could hurt North Dakota’s economy, which relies heavily on visitors who accidentally drive through on their way to literally anywhere else. “We’re already struggling to get people to visit,” said tourism director Clara Henderson. “And now we’re basically telling them, ‘Drive faster, please don’t stop.’”

But Governor Burgum remains undeterred. “If anything, this will boost tourism,” he argued. “We’re marketing North Dakota as an extreme sport. Drive fast, see the plains, and try to leave before you question your life choices. It’s an adventure.”

The state is even considering installing digital billboards at the borders displaying real-time updates on how many cars have successfully left in the past hour, along with cheerful messages like, “You Made It! Don’t Look Back.”

As news of the increased speed limit spreads, North Dakota has seen a sudden surge in rental car reservations, with many residents reportedly planning to test just how fast they can get the fuck out.

At press time, neighboring South Dakota was reportedly considering a countermeasure: a “Minimum Speed Limit” of 100 mph for anyone trying to re-enter from the north.

Red Bull Shifts Focus to the Future, Signs Max's Newborn Daughter Lily to Lifetime Contract

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 14 May 2025 12:00:40 GMT

"...go-karting by age three, Formula 4 by age nine, and world champion by 13."

MILTON KEYNES —Red Bull Racing has wasted no time in securing the future of its Formula 1 dynasty, announcing a groundbreaking deal this week by signing Max Verstappen’s newborn daughter, Lily, to a lifetime contract. The move, described by the team as a “proactive investment in the next generation” and “something similar to what the Lakers did with Bronny,” has already left the motorsport world in shock and awe, with many saying, “I get it.”

“We’ve seen the potential in this family,” said Red Bull team principal Christian Horner, addressing the media. “Max is already a four-time world champion, and Kelly Piquet’s family is practically a racing dynasty. By signing Lily now, we’re making sure she doesn’t end up in a Mercedes 20 years from now.”

The decision was made mere hours after Lily’s birth, with Red Bull representatives reportedly waiting outside the hospital room with a pen, a contract, and a tiny Red Bull onesie. According to insiders, the agreement includes a full driver development program starting as soon as Lily is old enough to see over the steering wheel, as well as a clause guaranteeing her a race seat in 2045.

“Lily’s got the genes,” said Helmut Marko, Red Bull’s notorious talent scout. “She’s half Verstappen, half Piquet. That’s practically a cheat code for motorsport greatness. We can’t afford to let any other team capitalize on this generational talent.”

Critics have been quick to question the ethics of signing an infant to a lifetime contract, but Red Bull remains unfazed. “It’s not like we’re putting her in a car tomorrow,” Horner clarified. “This is a long-term vision. In the meantime, we’ll make sure she’s properly developed—go-karting by age three, Formula 4 by age nine, and world champion by 13. It’s called talent management.”

Max Verstappen, known for his cutthroat competitiveness on the track, seemed surprisingly relaxed about the arrangement. “Honestly, it’s great,” he said with a grin. “Now I can finally have a teammate I trust completely. And if she takes my records one day, I’ll just come out of retirement and take them back. I’m Max Verstappen.”

Kelly Piquet, meanwhile, was reportedly thrilled that her daughter’s future is already secure. “This was my plan all along. I always knew our family was destined for greatness,” she commented. “Lily’s just getting an early start. I guess the only question is which family member’s number she’ll race under—33, 11, or maybe 1?”

While other teams have been slow to react to the news, sources say Mercedes is already asking Russell, Kimi, and even Hamilton to start having kids, hoping to find their own “next-generation superstar.” Ferrari has taken a different approach, reportedly considering a forty-year-old karting sensation.

As for Lily, she is reportedly enjoying her first week in the world, blissfully unaware that she is already part of one of the most high-pressure teams in motorsport.

Slate Keeps Cost of Truck Down by Teaching You How to Whistle Instead of Including Audio System

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 13 May 2025 12:00:19 GMT

Popular alternatives include mouth trumpets

WARSAW —Slate Auto, aiming to redefine automotive minimalism, has announced that its upcoming electric truck will not include a traditional audio system. Instead, owners will be taught how to whistle their own music—a decision Slate claims is part of their commitment to "affordable, customizable transportation."

Priced at around $27,000, or potentially under $20,000 after federal EV tax credits, the Slate Truck has already been making waves for its ultra-minimalist approach. The vehicle’s design is a masterclass in cost-cutting: manual windows, no built-in infotainment system, a single unpainted gray color, and now, a revolutionary audio experience powered entirely by the driver's puckered lips.

"We realized that audio systems are an unnecessary luxury," explained Slate spokesperson Riley Morgan. "Music is in your heart. We include a complimentary whistling tutorial in the owner’s manual, with recommended playlists like ‘The Best of the 1800s,’ ‘Willy Wonka Songs,’ and ‘I Think This Is Supposed to Be Free Bird.’”

The Slate Truck’s spartan interior offers nothing but the essentials—two seats, a steering wheel, and a dashboard mount for your smartphone, which can only be used for navigation (assuming you pay extra for the mount). Instead of a stereo, drivers are encouraged to “get creative” with their in-car entertainment, with Slate suggesting popular alternatives like mouth trumpets, rhythmic dashboard tapping, and singing Dumb and Dumber's version of Mockingbird.

Slate Auto, a startup backed by Jeff Bezos, insists this approach aligns with their mission to provide affordable, customizable electric vehicles—while getting rich. “Everyone’s always complaining about how expensive new cars are,” said CEO Mark Weaver. “Well, here’s a solution: Don’t buy a $5,000 audio system. Just whistle.”

While some have criticized the move as a step too far, others see it as a refreshing throwback to simpler times. “I remember when the only music you had in a car was the ringing of metal scraping against metal,” said 78-year-old Earl Johnson, a Slate Truck reservation holder. “Honestly, I’m just glad they included seats.”

Not everyone is thrilled, however. Early Slate Truck tester Vanessa Gutierrez described the experience as “spiritually exhausting.” “I tried whistling ‘Hotel California,’ but their tutorial is just a ripped YouTube video. Turns out whistling is hard. You expect me to drive this in silence?”

For those unwilling to whistle, Slate offers a premium "Audio Experience Upgrade" for an additional $3,000, which includes a pair of Bluetooth speakers and a link to a YouTube video of Got Your Money by Ol’ Dirty Bastard on repeat for three hours.

The automotive world watches with mixed emotions as Slate prepares for its 2026 production launch. Is Slate revolutionizing transportation or simply trolling its customers? Only time will tell. But for now, one thing is clear: In Slate’s world, silence is golden—and a good set of lungs is priceless.

Franz Hermann Set to Replace Verstappen at Red Bull for Upcoming Grand Prix

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 12 May 2025 12:00:25 GMT

"...he asked for the exact same salary we pay Max."

NÜRBURG —Red Bull Racing has announced that Franz Hermann, an unknown talent who recently stunned team principal Christian Horner during a secret Nürburgring test, will replace four-time world champion Max Verstappen for the upcoming Grand Prix.

The chain of events began when Hermann, an unassuming sim racing enthusiast, showed up at the Nürburgring with a rented BMW M3. Despite having no racing pedigree, he set shockingly fast lap times, overtaking high-end sports cars while casually eating a bratwurst and adjusting his rearview mirror. Christian Horner, who happened to be at the circuit for a “management retreat” (which some suspect was just a mandated HR seminar), couldn’t help but notice.

“He was doing things with an M3 that defied physics,” Horner recalled. “So, naturally, we pulled him aside and asked if he’d be interested in testing something a bit faster.”

Hermann was promptly placed in a Ferrari 296 GT3 for a private test session. What was supposed to be a low-stakes evaluation quickly turned into a spectacle. Hermann not only adapted to the GT3 car instantly but also set a lap time faster than several professional drivers who had spent their careers mastering the track.

“It’s not that hard,” Hermann explained. “I just go fast. Tu-tu-du-du Franz Hermann.”

Stunned by the display, Horner immediately offered Hermann a seat in the Red Bull Formula 1 team. “We didn’t even bother asking about his racing history. The way he handled the 296 GT3 was enough. The weird part was that he asked for the exact same salary we pay Max,” Horner added.

The announcement has sent shockwaves through the motorsport world. Some have suggested that Verstappen’s sudden departure is part of a team prank orchestrated by Yuki Tsunoda, while others believe the Dutch driver is simply taking a break to keep things interesting. Verstappen himself posted a cryptic message on social media: “You’re fast enough, but are you cold enough? Good luck with Piastri, Franz.” The post has already been liked by four million fans and shared by his father, Jos Verstappen, with the caption, “See you at the gas station.”

Hermann, who had never driven a single-seater before, has reportedly been given a crash course on F1 basics. “It’s a bit like Mario Kart, right? Just more expensive?” he asked engineers during his first simulator session. When told about DRS, he nodded and responded, “Is that like a turbo button?”

Team engineers were scrambling to adjust the RB21 to suit Hermann’s driving style, but he asked them to stop, simply stating, “It’s fine as is. Trust me.” Red Bull is also reportedly scouting other drivers from the same track day, given Hermann’s iconic Nürburgring performance.

FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem expressed cautious optimism. “It’s not every day we see a driver go from a track day in an M3 to an F1 car in a week. But if this works out, I’ll be at the Nürburgring next week with a stopwatch. Unless Sainz Sr. foils my plans. Dammit, Sainz!”

As the Grand Prix approaches, all eyes are on Franz Hermann. Can his Nürburgring magic carry over to the pinnacle of motorsport? Or will his meteoric rise end in a spectacular crash?

“I’m just here to win,” Hermann grinned, already practicing pushing people off the track. “I still don’t know what DRS does, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I’m 100% sure.”

Fifth-Gen Miata to Feature 2.5L NA Engine, Bold New Strategy of Looking Exactly Like the Last One

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sun, 11 May 2025 12:00:09 GMT

"...more torque, more power, in the same exact package."

IRVINE —Blending performance evolution with redundant design, Mazda has announced that the upcoming fifth-generation MX-5 Miata will feature a 2.5-liter naturally aspirated engine—and look exactly like the four previous generations of Miata.

“We believe in continuity,” said Mazda spokesperson Kenta Aoki. “Also, we just didn’t feel like doing anything different. Designing those clay models is exhausting.”

Despite years of speculation about electrification, hybrid systems, or even turbocharging, Mazda has decided to triple down on its classic formula: lightweight, naturally aspirated, and visually indistinguishable from what they launched in 1990.

“The real innovation,” Aoki added, “is psychological. You think it’s a new car. You feel like it’s a new car. That’s design genius at work.”

Under the hood, the Miata will now feature a 2.5L engine—a modest bump from the current 2.0L—that delivers “more torque, more power, in the same exact package you’ve seen for decades.”

Mazda engineers claim the chassis is 37% stiffer, the steering 14% sharper, and the seats 8% more aggressively bolstered “in a way you’ll never really notice.”

Miata owners, known for their track day optimism, have responded with cautious enthusiasm. “I mean, I love it,” said longtime owner Bryan Ortega. “But like… it really does look the same. I parked it next to a 2016 and genuinely couldn’t tell which one was mine.”

Car critics have praised Mazda’s decision to update what matters while leaving everything else frozen in time. “The Miata remains the gold standard for affordable fun,” said auto journalist Marissa Chu. “And honestly, maybe it’s comforting that one car company still refuses to make everything look all ‘modern’ and ‘impressive.’”

Some fans, however, are less forgiving. “You had one job,” said Reddit user @topdown4life. “New gen = new look. This is literally what's in my garage right now.”

Mazda, for its part, remains unfazed by the feedback. “People buy Miatas for the way they drive,” said Aoki. “Not because they’re trying to impress people. They can’t impress people. We’ve NEVER done that.”

When asked if there are any other exterior differences, Mazda confirmed the fifth-gen will feature “new updated badges”—basically just a polite way of saying, “trust us, it’s new.”

So while the Miata may look the same on the outside, under the skin it’s… well, also kinda the same. But a little better.

And as every Miata owner will proudly tell you: It looks good slammed.

Elon Musk Admits Tesla Odometers Overestimate Mileage “But Only Until the Warranty Expires”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 10 May 2025 12:00:16 GMT

"...that battery replacement is on you now."

AUSTIN —In another moment of sheer genius, Elon Musk admitted this week that Tesla odometers might be a little “generous” with mileage estimates—but don’t worry, it’s only up to the exact moment the vehicle’s warranty expires.

“It’s not the whole lifetime of the car,” Musk said while casually holding a chainsaw. “The moment that 50,000-mile mark hits, they chill out. I promise.”

The statement comes in the wake of a class-action lawsuit filed in California, in which a Tesla owner alleges that his Model Y’s odometer exaggerated mileage just enough to void the vehicle’s warranty—right before an expensive repair.

“I drove it like 35,000 miles tops,” said plaintiff Nyree Hinton. “Then boom—odometer says 52,000, and Tesla’s like, ‘Oh no, so sorry, that battery replacement is on you now.’”

According to the lawsuit, Tesla service techs allegedly told Hinton that mileage calculations include “parking lot use,” a term used to describe mileage accrued while the car is parked. Yes, parked.

Critics argue that if Tesla really is counting parking as "mileage," then your Model Y just did a cross-country trip last night while you slept.

“It’s like if your FitBit told you that browsing Instagram counted as cardio,” said automotive attorney Jenna Ortega (no relation). “There’s no legal precedent for ‘parking miles.’”

Tesla has denied the claims, calling the lawsuit “idiotic,” while Musk doubled down on X, completely contradicting his own company: “It’s not even that bad. The mileage slows down after, I swear.”

Owners have responded with a mix of concern and anger. “This guy must think we're stupid,” said Model 3 owner Marcus Lang. “Am I stupid just ’cause I bought a Tesla?”

Meanwhile, Tesla forums are ablaze with speculation. Some users report odometers jumping thousands of miles overnight. Others swear their cars are doing laps in the garage while plugged in.

“If this lawsuit succeeds,” said one poster, “I expect Tesla to pivot to dog years for mileage.”

As for Musk, he remains unfazed. “Look, the cars are smart. They know when to stop functioning,” he said. “That’s efficiency. That’s innovation. That’s MY GENIUS.”

So while Tesla continues to redefine what a mile is, customers are learning the real lesson of electric vehicle ownership: Forget range anxiety—it’s now about mileage anxiety.

Anxiety that increases as the car silently ticks toward your next $17,800 repair bill.

Conclave Elects Carlos Sainz Sr. as Next FIA President

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 09 May 2025 12:00:43 GMT

"I promise...a complete reversal on the swearing ban."

VATICAN CITY —The conclave—yes, that conclave—of Catholic cardinals has elected Spanish racing legend Carlos Sainz Sr. as the next president of the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA). The move comes after the cardinals decided to hold another election, having elected the new pope “hella fast,” and amid a wave of frustration with current FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem, whose reign has been marked by controversy, chaos, and a seemingly endless stream of awkward attempts to shake hands with race car drivers.

"We realized we had to intervene," said Cardinal Giuseppe Moretti, one of the key organizers of the conclave. "It was clear that only divine intervention could save motorsport from itself. We had time, we were all together, so we locked ourselves in the Sistine Chapel, looked to the heavens, and asked, ‘Who among us can deliver us from regulatory idiocy?’ And then it struck us—Carlos Sainz Sr."

The decision to adopt the Catholic conclave method for choosing the FIA president is a dramatic departure from the traditional election process. According to sources, the cardinals gathered under the famed Michelangelo fresco, debated vigorously, and ultimately chose Sainz Sr. after several rounds of secretive, smoke-signaled voting.

"Honestly, it was easier to choose a Pope," admitted Cardinal Moretti. "But at least we avoided any more of Ben Sulayem’s leadership. I mean, have you seen the mess he’s made? Even Pontius Pilate would have stepped in by now."

Carlos Sainz Sr., known for his storied rallying career and for providing the genetic material that generated Formula 1 star Carlos Sainz Jr., accepted the appointment with his characteristic humility. "I am honored by this divine calling," Sainz Sr. stated. "I promise to guide the FIA with wisdom, courage, and a complete reversal on the swearing ban."

Critics of Ben Sulayem were quick to celebrate the news. "Finally, someone who knows the difference between ‘strict but fair’ and ‘I don’t know, let’s ban jewelry again,’” said Martin Brundle, F1 commentator and unofficial ambassador of common sense. "Under Sainz Sr., we might actually get a coherent set of rules."

In a show of respect for the occasion, the Vatican sent out a ceremonial white smoke signal above St. Peter’s Basilica, signifying that Sainz Sr. had officially accepted his role. Inside sources report that Mohammed Ben Sulayem’s reaction was less than gracious—he was reportedly seen Googling “how to fine the Catholic Church.”

As the motorsport world looks to a new era under Sainz Sr., many fans are optimistic. "If Sainz Sr. can navigate the Dakar Rally, he can certainly navigate FIA politics," said longtime F1 fan Sergio Mendoza. "At least now we have a president who understands race car drivers."

While it remains to be seen how much the Church’s influence will shape motorsport, one thing is clear: for the first time in years, the FIA might actually have a prayer.

New Pope Elected, New Pope Mobile Ordered

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 08 May 2025 21:25:43 GMT

"Mass will be on Sunday, Sunday, Sundayyyy!"

VATICAN CITY —The conclave has concluded, electing Cardinal Robert Prevost, who has taken the name Pope Leo XIV. As the first American pope in history, Pope Leo XIV wasted no time making his mark on the Vatican. His first order? Replacing the traditional Popemobile with the iconic Grave Digger.

The decision was announced just hours after white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel, signaling his election. Papal aides were reportedly stunned when the newly elected pope ordered the massive, flame-painted monster truck to be retrofitted with bulletproof glass and a throne-like seat—ensuring his papal security while maintaining "maximum divine power."

"It’s time to bring some American spirit to this ancient institution," declared Pope Leo XIV, waving a checkered flag from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica. "Faith is about overcoming obstacles—and there’s no better metaphor than driving over a row of parked cars with 1,500 horsepower."

Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Roberto Bellini attempted to put a positive spin on the controversial decision. "The Holy Father simply wishes to modernize and energize the faith," Bellini explained. "He believes that nothing communicates divine power quite like a truck capable of leaping over the Rosary stand in the Vatican gift shop."

Reactions among the faithful have been mixed. "I’ve never seen a Popemobile with a skull painted on it before," said Sister Maria Rosetta, watching the Grave Digger’s test drive in St. Peter’s Square. "But I suppose if it brings the youth back to the Church, who am I to judge?"

Critics, however, have raised concerns about the environmental impact of a monster truck as a papal vehicle. "This is sacrilege against Mother Earth," declared Father Giancarlo Montesi, an advocate for green initiatives in the Church. "His Holiness should lead by example, not by doing donuts and backflips in the square."

Pope Leo XIV remains undeterred. Sources close to the Vatican reveal he is already planning his first international tour—dubbed the "Faith Crusher World Tour"—where the Grave Digger Popemobile will make appearances at various religious sites, performing jumps and crushing replicas of heretical texts.

"God moves in mysterious ways," said the new pope, now known as the "Pontiff of Power." "But my ways are loud, fast, and fuel-injected. And just a reminder, Mass will be on Sunday, Sunday, Sundayyyy!"

U.S. Sees Sharp Decline in Australian Visitors After Tourists Realize They Have More GT-Rs Back Home

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Thu, 08 May 2025 12:00:15 GMT

Everyone should blame Mercedes-Benz

LOS ANGELES —Experts are referring to it as the biggest turbo tourism crisis since the Fast & Furious franchise went to space—the United States has seen its steepest drop in tourism from Australia after many realized they have way more GT-Rs than we do.

“We were all set to do the California car scene,” said Aussie traveler Dean McPherson, wiping his sunglasses on a Momo steering wheel cover. “Then we landed, hit a few meets, and realized: mate, where are the R34s? Where’s the R33s? Why is everyone driving Porsches into trees?”

The revelation has hit U.S. tourism hard, especially in car-centric states like California, Florida, and wherever someone’s dragging a cambered Miata through the highway shoulder. According to the Department of Transportation, 2025 has seen a 46% drop in Australian tourists, many of whom were previously drawn in by dreams of an impressive car culture.

“It’s heartbreaking,” said Diane Ramirez of the SoCal Visitor Bureau. “They used to come in droves, wearing board shorts and saying ‘oi’ at cars. Now? They get off the plane, spot a sad R35, shrug—and turn right back around.”

Car experts say the imbalance is real. Due to differing import laws, Australia currently enjoys a surplus of right-hand-drive GT-Rs from the golden age of Japanese performance, while America remains trapped in the 25-year waitlist system that everyone should blame on Mercedes-Benz—where a car has to age like moldy cheese before it's legal to register in South Dakota.

“It’s like going to a steakhouse and being told you can only look at the meat if it was frozen in 1998,” said import specialist Marcos Gutierrez. “Meanwhile, Aussies are just out there daily driving R34s to get groceries.”

The U.S. tried to respond by parading a few GT-Rs at a sanctioned Cars & Coffee event, but the attempt backfired when it was revealed two of the cars were just V6 Altimas with badges—and the only real one was state-ref’d and impounded.

“I knew it was over when a dude from Sydney walked past an R35 and muttered, ‘That’s not even the fun one,’” said event organizer Chris Hwang. “He was right. That’s not Godzilla.”

As for the Australians? Most are reportedly staying home, where the GT-Rs are plentiful, the roads are twisty, and Supras are also available. The good Supras.

The U.S. may still have more fast food, but for now, Australia has better cars—and the tourists are following the boost.

Literally Everyone in Talks with Cadillac for 2026

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Wed, 07 May 2025 12:00:09 GMT

"Cadillac might be talking to someone."

LOS ANGELES —Cadillac’s upcoming 2026 Formula 1 team is reportedly in talks with everyone on Earth. From seasoned F1 veterans like Nikita Mazepin to local karting champions like Steven's dad, and even that one valet guy at the Miami GP, sources confirm that everyone—literally everyone—is in talks for the coveted Cadillac seat.

Since Cadillac announced its entry into Formula 1, the motorsport world has been in a frenzy of headlines—each one reporting a new “exclusive” that another driver is “in talks” with the American team. Reports have linked everyone from Sergio Pérez to Daniel Ricciardo, with a brief, unconfirmed rumor that Pato O’Ward had already signed a pre-contract while standing in line for churros at the Miami GP.

But it doesn’t stop there. According to insiders, Cadillac has also held “preliminary discussions” with IndyCar drivers, NASCAR veterans, sim racers, and even a promising Uber driver from Fort Lauderdale who claims his five-star rating “speaks for itself.”

“Look, it’s called casting a wide net,” explained Dan Towriss, CEO of the Cadillac Formula 1 Team. “We’re not just looking for talent. We’re looking for someone who embodies the Cadillac spirit. That means they have to be fast, stylish, and willing to race on 28s.”

FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem expressed his enthusiasm for Cadillac’s inclusive approach. “It’s great to see a team reaching out to everyone. It brings a sense of community—maybe they can let me drive?”

Motorsport journalists, meanwhile, have fully sacrificed their souls in the name of clickbait. Headlines have evolved from “Sergio Pérez in Talks with Cadillac” to “Schumacher’s Cousin in Talks with Cadillac” and “Colton Herta’s Dog Reportedly Sniffing Around The Cadillac Seat.” Each report is accompanied by a photoshopped image of a driver listening to Ludacris' Southern Hospitality while rockin' a grill.

Fans, however, are over it. “I’m at the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if they announced me,” joked local fan Luis Hernandez. “I know how to parallel park—should I be in talks with Cadillac for 2026?”

As the Cadillac driver saga continues, one thing is certain: until the team finally confirms their lineup, the motorsport world will continue to press rumors because they are out of ideas—rumors that essentially say, “Cadillac might be talking to someone.”

On a more serious note, rumors have begun circulating that Cadillac is also considering entering talks with other teams to see if they, too, can be “in talks” with Cadillac. Because in 2026, nothing says elite motorsport like keeping every single driver in contract talks, no matter how statistically impossible.

Nürburgring Barriers “Scared to Death” as Mustang GTD Makes Return

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Tue, 06 May 2025 12:00:14 GMT

"...it’s almost certain one of us is going to DIE!"

NÜRBURG, GERMANY —The Ford Mustang GTD has returned to the Nürburgring, and the track’s crash barriers are reportedly “terrified” as the 800+ horsepower American muscle car resumes its assault on the Green Hell.

After a brief hiatus, the GTD is back on the Nordschleife, with Ford engineers aiming to break the sub-seven-minute lap barrier. Equipped with a 5.2-liter supercharged V8 producing 804 bhp and 664 lb-ft of torque, the GTD is designed to challenge curbs, barriers, and really anything in its way—with the most power possible.

The Nürburgring's crash barriers, having watched countless hours of Instagram reels, are said to be particularly wary of the Mustang's return. One anonymous barrier commented, "We've seen our fair share of impacts, but you give a Mustang that raw power and it’s almost certain one of us is going to DIE!"

Ford's commitment to conquering the Nürburgring is evident in the GTD's design. The car features active aerodynamics, carbon-ceramic brakes, and a rear-mounted transaxle—all aimed at enhancing its force of impact on objects that weren’t really in its way until it got sideways.

The Mustang GTD's previous attempts at the Nürburgring have been met with mixed results. While the car's speed and power are undeniable, controlling that power on the track's challenging layout has proven difficult. Ford’s engineers have been working tirelessly to refine the GTD's handling characteristics to ensure it can harness its power effectively—but have continued to fail.

The automotive community is watching closely as the Mustang GTD continues its testing at the Nürburgring. A successful sub-seven-minute lap would not only be a significant achievement for Ford but also a statement that American muscle can compete—without going viral for taking down a telephone pole.

As the Mustang GTD roars around the track, the Nürburgring's barriers remain on high alert, hoping to avoid any close encounters with the formidable machine.

Alonso Finally Sets Timeline for Retirement: “Sometime Around the Year 3000”

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Mon, 05 May 2025 12:00:38 GMT

"...There's plenty of gas in the tank. Look at this neck."

OVIEDO, SPAIN —Two-time world champion Fernando Alonso has finally announced plans for what fans have been dreading: a rough idea of when he'll retire. The answer? A clear indication that he’s just getting started.

“Yeah, I think maybe sometime around the year 3000,” Alonso said with a trademark casual shrug during a press conference ahead of the Miami Grand Prix. “Maybe. We’ll see.”

The statement comes after nearly two decades of Alonso refusing to slow down, despite being older than several of his competitors’ parents. At 43, the Aston Martin driver continues to outperform younger teammates, grow his neck, outlast multiple engine suppliers, and ignore all reasonable signs that it’s time to go enjoy a vineyard somewhere.

“I mean, why would I retire?” Alonso asked. “I still feel like I'm 30. There's plenty of gas in the tank. Look at this neck. LOOK AT IT.”

Teammates, rivals, and team personnel are reportedly starting to accept that Alonso may, in fact, be immortal. “I used to think he’d be done after his McLaren years,” said fellow driver Sergio Pérez. “Now I’m starting to believe he’ll still be around while I’m driving for Cadillac.”

Sources close to the FIA have confirmed that contingency plans are being drafted for a future where Alonso races against synthetic drivers, hovercars, or possibly his own AI clone—since he’s clearly not going anywhere.

“He’s already raced in nearly every era of Formula 1—from refueling stops to hybrid powertrains. He’s even done IndyCar,” said Sky Sports analyst Ted Kravitz. “At this point, it’s just a matter of when he takes the wheel of the first F1 car powered by plutonium.”

Aston Martin has declined to confirm any future contract extensions, but team principal Mike Krack admitted, “He hasn’t aged in five years. The doctors say he’s in better shape than Lance.”

Alonso’s fans, meanwhile, are thrilled. “The longer he stays, the longer I can believe I still have a chance in F1,” said long-time supporter Javi Perez. “Also, I hate Lance Stroll, and Alonso scares him.”

As for Alonso, he seems entirely unbothered by the questions. “I’ll stop when I’m slow,” he said. “Or when Schumacher makes a return. Whichever comes last.”

At this rate, Fernando Alonso won’t just be remembered as one of the sport’s greatest drivers—he’ll be its first zombie pilot.

Because when everyone else retires, Alonso simply strengthens his neck and keeps going.

Cadillac Releases Teaser During Miami GP—F1 Car Will Feature Spinners

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sun, 04 May 2025 16:00:04 GMT

One can only hope that inspiration doesn’t come with Pro Clubs...

MIAMI —Cadillac unveiled a teaser for its upcoming Formula 1 entry during the Miami Grand Prix weekend. The highlight? Spinners. Yes, spinners—those sweet, rotate-forever wheels that were the pinnacle of automotive fashion in the early 2000s—are making their high-speed debut on the F1 circuit.

The teaser video, released at an exclusive launch event, showcased a sleek blue-and-white theme, possibly nodding to America's international racing colors. However, the real showstopper was the brief glimpse of the future Cadillac F1 car, complete with Checo's sponsors and, of course, spinners. While some speculate this is a homage to Cadillac's storied past, others fear it’s a sign of things to come.

Dan Towriss, CEO of TWG Motorsports, addressed the media, stating, “We’re not in a hurry to select a driver because we will need someone who can harness the power of spinners.” This nonchalant approach has only fueled rumors, with fans outside the event chanting, “Checo’s down! Checo’s down!” in hopes of seeing Sergio Pérez behind the wheel.

While the inclusion of spinners might seem like a bold branding move, it raises questions about aerodynamics and performance. Will these rotating accessories improve aero at F1 speeds? And will the FIA ban them before the 2026 season?

FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem expressed his enthusiasm, stating, “The Cadillac Formula 1 Team’s presence in the paddock will inspire future competitors and fans.” One can only hope that inspiration doesn’t come with Pro Clubs and grillz.

As Cadillac gears up for its 2026 debut, the automotive world watches with bated breath. Will spinners become the next big thing in F1? What innovation will they bring to the sport? Will Ludacris be in attendance? Only time will tell.

In a Season Best, Lawson Finishes Alonso’s Car

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 03 May 2025 18:19:12 GMT

MIAMI —In what experts are calling “technically his strongest finish all year,” Liam Lawson managed to completely finish Fernando Alonso’s car—and his race—by crashing into it during Saturday’s sprint race at the Miami Grand Prix.

The incident unfolded on lap 15, as Lawson attempted a clearly incorrect move on the outside of Turn 11. The maneuver resulted in contact with Alonso's Aston Martin, sending the two-time world champion into the barriers and out of the race. The collision not only ended Alonso's run but also triggered a safety car period that significantly influenced the race's outcome.

“I was just trying to keep my seat,” Lawson explained, eyes darting nervously toward the Sky Sports cameras. “Then I realized I had the perfect opportunity—so I took it. It just happened to be at Alonso’s expense. Still counts, right? I made the right decision.”

Alonso, known for his longevity and laser focus, was less enthusiastic about Lawson’s milestone. “I’ve been on the grid longer than Lawson’s been alive,” he said. “You’d think he would know not to lunge like that into a two-time world champion. But congratulations to him, I suppose—for finally having a decent finish. I won’t have to deal with him next year, anyway.”

Race stewards ruled it a racing incident, but the damage was done—mostly to Alonso’s car, ego, and points. Meanwhile, the internet wasted no time immortalizing the moment, with memes circulating captioned: “Lawson’s finally back!”

RB’s interim driver has had a quiet season. Despite having a seat, he mostly behaves like a backup—quietly rehearsing press conference nods and forced confidence. Saturday’s sprint, however, gave him a moment in the spotlight.

“He finished Alonso’s race. You gotta admire the consistency,” said Sky commentator Jenson Button. “I mean, most rookies wait to win to be assholes. Lawson just said, ‘Nah.’ Bold strategy.”

While fans debated the severity of the contact, Lawson was spotted in the paddock later that afternoon scribbling “Alonso can’t hurt you” into his driver development checklist.

“I guess I’m just good like that,” he admitted with faux confidence. “It’s not every day you get to finish seventh and ahead of world champion Fernando Alonso. That’s a memory I’ll never forget.”

With Alonso left stewing and Lawson now trending for being a douche again, one thing is clear: the 22-year-old might not be impressive just yet, but he’s certainly leaving a mark—quite literally.

Next up: the main race, where drivers are hoping to stay clear of Lawson.

Gorilla Just Trying to Show Off New Build Viciously Attacked by 100 Men at Cars & Coffee

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Sat, 03 May 2025 03:08:11 GMT

"WE CAN DO IT, WE CAN TAKE HIM!"

ORANGE COUNTY, CA — Chaos erupted Sunday morning at a Cars & Coffee when a gorilla—described by witnesses as “pretty chill, honestly”—was viciously attacked by 100 men shortly after arriving to show off his new build.

The gorilla, who reportedly spent the last two years swapping a K24 into a Miata shell and meticulously wire-tucking the engine bay, had barely parked when the mob descended.

“I don’t even know what happened,” said the stunned primate, still holding a half-sipped cold brew. “I was just trying to talk about my custom harness bar, and suddenly dudes holding phones up while on Instagram Live started yelling, ‘WE CAN DO IT, WE CAN TAKE HIM,’ before punching me in the chest.”

Eyewitnesses say the situation escalated quickly. “He rolled in clean—no revving, no blasting music, just vibes,” said Raul Mendez, who parked two spots down. “Then some guy in a straight-piped 370Z shouted, ‘We can actually prove it!’ and it just… popped off.”

The gorilla, whose build includes a shaved bay, custom coilovers, and a big wang he proudly mounted himself, appeared genuinely confused by the violence. “I expected questions about my cage or my wheel specs,” he said. “Not being tackled by a guy in Yeezys.”

Local organizers were quick to issue a statement. “We don’t condone violence,” said event coordinator Tyler Greene. “But to be fair, you get 100 guys around a gorilla and all bets are off.”

Auto culture experts say this isn’t the first time a Cars & Coffee crowd has reacted aggressively to something they don’t understand. “We’re talking about a demographic that considers Alcantara a personality,” said Dr. Mia Vargas, a sociologist specializing in car meet hostility. “A gorilla with actual originality? That’s a threat.”

The mob was eventually dispersed by a police helicopter. The gorilla, shaken but completely unhurt, has vowed to return.

“I didn’t spend 14 months doing an engine swap just to get dropkicked by some dude whose Civic is on cut springs,” he said defiantly. “I’ll be back next week. And I’ll bring banana-scented air fresheners as a side for their knuckle sandwich.”

No arrests were made, though several attackers were later identified by how caved-in their skulls were.

As the sun set on another strange chapter of car culture, one thing became clear: you’re not going to beat a gorilla.

Musk Melts Down Over Report That Tesla Is Considering Replacing Him With Someone Competent

ninetyoneoctanepodcast@gmail.com (Jonnathan Perez) — Fri, 02 May 2025 01:10:27 GMT

The potential candidate—described only as "a functioning human"

AUSTIN, TX —Panic erupted inside Tesla headquarters this week as CEO Elon Musk reportedly suffered a full-blown meltdown after internal rumors suggested the company might—just might—be entertaining the idea of replacing him with someone competent.

According to anonymous Tesla board members, the idea was floated during a routine meeting labeled “Emergency Damage Control” The proposed replacement? Someone with basic emotional regulation skills, a functioning brain, and zero desire to keep the CyberTruck going.

“Elon overheard and immediately started sweating,” said one executive. “He screamed, ‘You can’t run Tesla with someone competent! I am Tesla! Look at this flamethrower!’ Then he fired one-hundred more people, and called it innovation.”

The potential candidate—described only as “a functioning human”—was reportedly selected after Tesla’s PR team was caught googling: how to stabilize stock prices when your CEO won’t shut the fuck up.

The board has remained tight-lipped, but sources say qualifications for the role include: not calling employees bitches, never publicly endorsing cryptocurrency scams, and knowing the difference between a good truck and an absolute shit one.

Musk, of course, went into damage control mode the only way he knows how: tweeting memes, accusing journalists of bias, and insisting he’s “not a Nazi.” Something everyone had already stopped accusing him of. Strange.

Tesla investors are split. Some are horrified that anyone would even consider keeping Musk. Others have responded with cautious optimism. “Honestly, I’d settle for someone who doesn’t want to buy their way into the white house,” said investor Diana Crawford. “Or someone who knows what a truck is supposed to look like.”

Meanwhile, on X (formerly Twitter, now just a right wing cult chat room), Musk assured fans that he’s fine and definitely not losing money or power. “I’m doing great,” he posted. “Tesla’s thriving. Neuralink’s thriving. My kids—XQH-22 and Yung Algebra—are thriving. Don’t believe the haters. I am invincible.” Then jumped into what he thinks is the shape of an X but more of a meatball with toothpicks for limbs.

Critics remain unconvinced. “At some point, Tesla needs to choose between being a car company and a full-time babysitting service,” said analyst Marcus Delgado. “One of those sells EVs. The other burns $50 billion while claiming they are saving $100 Billion.”

As of press time, the Tesla board was still evaluating options, including hiring a dog, hiring rock, or just unplugging Elon.

Because at this point, even a pebble Elon's licked off a boot might be more competent.