"Cadillac might be talking to someone."

LOS ANGELES—Cadillac’s upcoming 2026 Formula 1 team is reportedly in talks with everyone on Earth. From seasoned F1 veterans like Nikita Mazepin to local karting champions like Steven's dad, and even that one valet guy at the Miami GP, sources confirm that everyone—literally everyone—is in talks for the coveted Cadillac seat.

Since Cadillac announced its entry into Formula 1, the motorsport world has been in a frenzy of headlines—each one reporting a new “exclusive” that another driver is “in talks” with the American team. Reports have linked everyone from Sergio Pérez to Daniel Ricciardo, with a brief, unconfirmed rumor that Pato O’Ward had already signed a pre-contract while standing in line for churros at the Miami GP.

But it doesn’t stop there. According to insiders, Cadillac has also held “preliminary discussions” with IndyCar drivers, NASCAR veterans, sim racers, and even a promising Uber driver from Fort Lauderdale who claims his five-star rating “speaks for itself.”

“Look, it’s called casting a wide net,” explained Dan Towriss, CEO of the Cadillac Formula 1 Team. “We’re not just looking for talent. We’re looking for someone who embodies the Cadillac spirit. That means they have to be fast, stylish, and willing to race on 28s.”

FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem expressed his enthusiasm for Cadillac’s inclusive approach. “It’s great to see a team reaching out to everyone. It brings a sense of community—maybe they can let me drive?”

Motorsport journalists, meanwhile, have fully sacrificed their souls in the name of clickbait. Headlines have evolved from “Sergio Pérez in Talks with Cadillac” to “Schumacher’s Cousin in Talks with Cadillac” and “Colton Herta’s Dog Reportedly Sniffing Around The Cadillac Seat.” Each report is accompanied by a photoshopped image of a driver listening to Ludacris' Southern Hospitality while rockin' a grill.

Fans, however, are over it. “I’m at the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if they announced me,” joked local fan Luis Hernandez. “I know how to parallel park—should I be in talks with Cadillac for 2026?”

As the Cadillac driver saga continues, one thing is certain: until the team finally confirms their lineup, the motorsport world will continue to press rumors because they are out of ideas—rumors that essentially say, “Cadillac might be talking to someone.”

On a more serious note, rumors have begun circulating that Cadillac is also considering entering talks with other teams to see if they, too, can be “in talks” with Cadillac. Because in 2026, nothing says elite motorsport like keeping every single driver in contract talks, no matter how statistically impossible.