"Diddy’s oil reserves are still no match for the ultimate driving machine."

NEW YORK CITY—Court documents unsealed this week have confirmed that Sean “Diddy” Combs ranks as the second-largest purchaser of oil in the United States—just behind BMW drivers, whose cars apparently leak and consume oil with the same enthusiasm as a Freak Off.

Federal agents, during raids on Combs’ properties in March 2024, reportedly seized over 1,000 bottles of oil. When questioned, Combs’ attorney, Marc Agnifilo, offered a defense that was as smooth as the product in question: “He has a big house, he buys in bulk,” suggesting that the mogul’s penchant for wholesale shopping was to blame for his record-breaking habit.

Costco, upon hearing bulk purchasing mentioned, was quick to distance itself from the slippery situation. The retail giant issued a statement denying any involvement, asserting that none of its U.S. locations carry the oil that Diddy buys. A spokesperson added, “We sell a lot of things in bulk, but Diddy’s oil isn’t one of them. We’re not bad boys for life—we’re good boys for life.”

The sheer volume of oil discovered has led some to speculate about its intended use. While prosecutors allege that the lubricants were stockpiled for events dubbed “Freak Offs”—multi-day, drug-fueled sex parties—others have been distracted by the fact that BMW drivers still top the list despite the staggering amount. Seriously, who the hell buys that much oil? One thing is clear, though—BMW drivers are notorious for their vehicles' insatiable appetite for oil, so it’s no surprise. As one mechanic noted, “BMWs don’t leak oil; they mark their territory.”

Social media has been ablaze with commentary. One user tweeted, “I could use Diddy’s oil stash—I just bought a new BMW. Maybe he was just preparing for a fleet of German engineering.” Another quipped, “At this point, Diddy could open his own Jiffy Lube.”

As the trial unfolds, with Combs facing charges including sex trafficking and racketeering, the public remains captivated—not just by the serious allegations, but by the curious case of the colossal oil cache. Whether the stockpile was intended for illicit parties or not (but probably was), one thing is clear: Diddy’s oil reserves are still no match for the ultimate driving machine.