"You guys don’t know what real family actually is..."

LOS ANGELES—Breaking a façade of two decades of cinematic unity, the family of Dominic Toretto—the gravel-voiced street racer, car-to-car jumper, and self-appointed patron saint of "family"—has publicly confessed that they are, in fact, absolutely done with him.

“We can’t stand him,” said his cousin Ernesto Toretto, visibly exhausted. “Everything is ‘family this, family that.’ The guy shows up to every cookout in a tank top and gives a monologue about loyalty if you so much as grab the last Corona. Unless it's his street racer buddies—then he’s down to build them a brand-new Supra. I’ve been waiting for him to change my oil for eight months.”

The statement comes after a particularly tense gathering where Dominic reportedly tried to drag race a neighbor’s lawnmower because “disrespect was shown.” Witnesses say the cookout was immediately derailed as Dom turned a simple barbecue into a full-scale quarter-mile grudge match. Again.

“Look, I love him, I really do,” said Dom’s sister’s boyfriend’s mechanic’s nephew, Julio. “But the man turned my birthday party into a shootout. He doesn’t even bring gifts—just a six-pack of Corona and 'life lessons.'”

Longtime ally Letty Ortiz reportedly stepped in mid-toast after the family told Dominic to shut up, reminding everyone, yet again, that the only thing more important than horsepower is la familia. “You guys don’t know what real family actually is,” she yelled—at his actual family. “They’re ungrateful.”

Psychologists are now studying the effects of prolonged exposure to Dominic’s ideology, which they’ve coined “Torettosis”—a condition where every decision must be justified by abstract, undefined concepts of loyalty, speed, or Coronas.

“He refuses to fly commercial,” added cousin Angela Toretto. “He says if family cared about him, they’d upgrade him to first class. We just wanted to go to Hawaii, bro. He won’t give it up.”

The tipping point appears to have come during a family game night, when Dom tried to hotwire a toaster to “teach the kids about wiring.” The power went out, Grandma cried, and the driveway is still covered in oil stains.

Despite the backlash, Dominic remains unmoved. In a statement delivered while casually rebuilding a carburetor one-handed, he declared: “You don’t turn your back on family, even when they turn their back on you. Then you just replace them with new family that stays loyal. Like Brian. RIP.”

As for the rest of the Toretto clan? They’ve started a support group, Family Against Dom, and are considering changing their last name—if they can find a court brave enough to approve it.