"...we expect a 100% reduction in tailpipe emissions."

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an attempt to combat emissions and advance environmental policy, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has announced a revolutionary improvement to existing start/stop technology in vehicles: from now on, it will simply keep your car off permanently.

“After extensive research, we’ve discovered that two-thirds of global heating is caused by the richest 10%, but we decided the most effective way to reduce vehicle emissions is to ensure regular people’s cars never start at all,” said EPA spokesperson Karen Delgado during a press briefing. “Our improved start/stop system is the ultimate step in environmental responsibility—at least for 90% of you.”

The new system, which will be implemented in all new vehicles starting in 2026, will feature a sophisticated algorithm that determines the best time to turn off your engine—when it’s least convenient, usually immediately upon attempting to turn it on.

“We’re excited to see this technology make a real difference,” added Delgado. “By preventing vehicles from running altogether, we expect a 100% reduction in tailpipe emissions, a dramatic decrease in traffic accidents, and a marked improvement in air quality nationwide. This should help offset most of the emissions caused by all those private jets we’re not going to do anything about.”

Critics, however, are less enthusiastic. “This is ridiculous,” said local commuter Miguel Garcia. “My car already barely turns on, and now they’re just skipping straight to ‘don’t even bother driving?’”

Dealerships are also scrambling to adapt to the new regulations. “We’re not even sure how to market these cars,” admitted Thomas Wilkins, a sales manager at a major automaker. “Are they still cars if they don’t run? Do we list them as conversation pieces now?”

Automakers, however, have already begun to embrace the change. “This is the future,” said a spokesperson for Stellantis. “We’ve already developed an upcoming model, the Chrysler Zero, which features a sleek dashboard that never lights up and an engine bay that can be used as extra garage storage.”

Environmental groups have hailed the new initiative as a groundbreaking achievement. “Finally, we have a solution that balances convenience with sustainability,” said Sierra Green, director of EcoLogic, a non-profit organization. “By making it impossible to drive, the EPA is truly putting the planet first.”

As drivers nationwide prepare to embrace the next evolution of start/stop technology, the EPA is already looking ahead to further innovations. “We’re exploring a new feature that prevents you from even buying a car at all, but don’t worry—it will still allow corporations to pollute the planet,” said Delgado. “It’s all about progress.”