"The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought his idea wasn’t going to work."

MONTREAL—Sending fear through the Formula 1 paddock and prompting several apexes to file for early retirement, Chuck Norris has officially announced he will begin coaching his son, McLaren driver Lando Norris.

“I didn’t choose Lando—but the racing gods said I could have whatever I wanted,” Chuck stated. “I see myself in him. He just needs to learn to harness the power of the Norris name.”

Engineers, drivers, and even tire barriers are reportedly terrified. “I wasn’t worried about Lando,” said Charles Leclerc. “But now that I know he’s Chuck Norris’s son? It’s over. He’s not bothered by the FIA—the FIA is bothered by him.”

Sources inside McLaren confirm that Norris’s training regimen now includes getting rid of his oven, stove, and microwave because revenge is best served cold, practicing kung fu grip on the steering wheel, and hotlapping until the stopwatch surrenders. “It’s unconventional, sure,” said team principal Andrea Stella. “But as long as the McLarens don’t touch each other and we sacrifice Piastri’s race, I don’t care.”

The FIA has declined to comment, but has issued an apology in advance to Mr. Norris for any mistake it hasn’t made yet but probably will. Meanwhile, Max Verstappen reportedly stared into Chuck Norris’s eyes for six seconds before quietly announcing his retirement.

Critics argue the move is pure marketing, but Lando insists it’s serious. “It’s going to work. Chuck is never wrong,” he said. “The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought his idea wasn’t going to work.”

As the F1 world prepares for whatever comes next, one thing is clear: the apex is no longer the target—it’s the victim.