"According to the data, more than 8 billion vehicles in the U.S. currently rest on jack stands."

RIVERSIDE—The average age of used vehicles in the United States has officially reached 12.8 years, according to new industry data released this week. But experts warn that the real number skyrockets to 60 if you include all the cars currently sitting on jackstands in driveways, garages, and questionable Facebook Marketplace ads.

“These cars technically exist,” said auto analyst Cheryl Newman. “They just haven’t touched pavement since Obama was in office. Or, in some cases, since Clinton.”

The study, conducted by the Useless Technicals Institute, originally set out to measure roadworthy used vehicles. But after stumbling upon a 1995 Acura Integra with no engine, three wheels, and a ‘Project, just needs time’ listing for $17,500, researchers were forced to expand their definition.

“We realized there’s a whole ecosystem of cars that aren’t dead—just neglected, like old cheese,” Newman explained. “They’re like modern-day mummies—preserved under tarps and surrounded by empty beer cans.”

Car owner and part-time wrench-turner Marcus Delgado defended the lifestyle. “People say my E36 hasn’t moved in six years,” he said. “But that’s just because I’m taking my time. And I’m broke. Real builds don’t rush greatness.”

According to the data, more than 8 billion vehicles in the U.S. currently rest on jackstands, often posted on social media with captions like ‘Built, Not Bought’ or ‘Soon™’. The average time since they last moved? Eleven years. The average amount of money still being dumped into them monthly? $148—most of it on parts that won’t be unboxed until next year.

Automakers are reportedly concerned about the trend. “It’s hurting new car sales,” said one frustrated executive. “We have guys out there spending $500 on titanium lug nuts for a car they haven’t even registered since 2014. At this point, they’d rather believe they’re going to finish their project than finance a Corolla.”

“It’s about passion,” said Delgado, standing over a stripped chassis with his hands on his hips. “Anyone can drive a car. But I’m building one. Eventually. Probably.”

So while the official number sits at a modest 12.8 years, the truth is far older, rustier, and surrounded by Harbor Freight receipts. America’s car fleet may be aging—but some cars stopped aging altogether. They just froze in time, waiting for their moment.

It’s coming. They swear.