"WE CAN DO IT, WE CAN TAKE HIM!"

ORANGE COUNTY, CA — Chaos erupted Sunday morning at a Cars & Coffee when a gorilla—described by witnesses as “pretty chill, honestly”—was viciously attacked by 100 men shortly after arriving to show off his new build.

The gorilla, who reportedly spent the last two years swapping a K24 into a Miata shell and meticulously wire-tucking the engine bay, had barely parked when the mob descended.

“I don’t even know what happened,” said the stunned primate, still holding a half-sipped cold brew. “I was just trying to talk about my custom harness bar, and suddenly dudes holding phones up while on Instagram Live started yelling, ‘WE CAN DO IT, WE CAN TAKE HIM,’ before punching me in the chest.”

Eyewitnesses say the situation escalated quickly. “He rolled in clean—no revving, no blasting music, just vibes,” said Raul Mendez, who parked two spots down. “Then some guy in a straight-piped 370Z shouted, ‘We can actually prove it!’ and it just… popped off.”

The gorilla, whose build includes a shaved bay, custom coilovers, and a big wang he proudly mounted himself, appeared genuinely confused by the violence. “I expected questions about my cage or my wheel specs,” he said. “Not being tackled by a guy in Yeezys.”

Local organizers were quick to issue a statement. “We don’t condone violence,” said event coordinator Tyler Greene. “But to be fair, you get 100 guys around a gorilla and all bets are off.”

Auto culture experts say this isn’t the first time a Cars & Coffee crowd has reacted aggressively to something they don’t understand. “We’re talking about a demographic that considers Alcantara a personality,” said Dr. Mia Vargas, a sociologist specializing in car meet hostility. “A gorilla with actual originality? That’s a threat.”

The mob was eventually dispersed by a police helicopter. The gorilla, shaken but completely unhurt, has vowed to return.

“I didn’t spend 14 months doing an engine swap just to get dropkicked by some dude whose Civic is on cut springs,” he said defiantly. “I’ll be back next week. And I’ll bring banana-scented air fresheners as a side for their knuckle sandwich.”

No arrests were made, though several attackers were later identified by how caved-in their skulls were.

As the sun set on another strange chapter of car culture, one thing became clear: you’re not going to beat a gorilla.