The potential candidate—described only as "a functioning human"

AUSTIN, TX—Panic erupted inside Tesla headquarters this week as CEO Elon Musk reportedly suffered a full-blown meltdown after internal rumors suggested the company might—just might—be entertaining the idea of replacing him with someone competent.

According to anonymous Tesla board members, the idea was floated during a routine meeting labeled “Emergency Damage Control” The proposed replacement? Someone with basic emotional regulation skills, a functioning brain, and zero desire to keep the CyberTruck going.

“Elon overheard and immediately started sweating,” said one executive. “He screamed, ‘You can’t run Tesla with someone competent! I am Tesla! Look at this flamethrower!’ Then he fired one-hundred more people, and called it innovation.”

The potential candidate—described only as “a functioning human”—was reportedly selected after Tesla’s PR team was caught googling: how to stabilize stock prices when your CEO won’t shut the fuck up.

The board has remained tight-lipped, but sources say qualifications for the role include: not calling employees bitches, never publicly endorsing cryptocurrency scams, and knowing the difference between a good truck and an absolute shit one.

Musk, of course, went into damage control mode the only way he knows how: tweeting memes, accusing journalists of bias, and insisting he’s “not a Nazi.” Something everyone had already stopped accusing him of. Strange.

Tesla investors are split. Some are horrified that anyone would even consider keeping Musk. Others have responded with cautious optimism. “Honestly, I’d settle for someone who doesn’t want to buy their way into the white house,” said investor Diana Crawford. “Or someone who knows what a truck is supposed to look like.”

Meanwhile, on X (formerly Twitter, now just a right wing cult chat room), Musk assured fans that he’s fine and definitely not losing money or power. “I’m doing great,” he posted. “Tesla’s thriving. Neuralink’s thriving. My kids—XQH-22 and Yung Algebra—are thriving. Don’t believe the haters. I am invincible.” Then jumped into what he thinks is the shape of an X but more of a meatball with toothpicks for limbs.

Critics remain unconvinced. “At some point, Tesla needs to choose between being a car company and a full-time babysitting service,” said analyst Marcus Delgado. “One of those sells EVs. The other burns $50 billion while claiming they are saving $100 Billion.”

As of press time, the Tesla board was still evaluating options, including hiring a dog, hiring rock, or just unplugging Elon.

Because at this point, even a pebble Elon's licked off a boot might be more competent.