"...they’re stupid because their cars backfire. That’s an important distinction."

SAN BERNARDINO—A new study from the Useless Technicals Institute has revealed that 99% of drivers with pop tunes installed on their cars are unable to read the headline of the study itself.

The findings, described as “both alarming and incredibly on-brand,” suggest a strong correlation between backfire-heavy exhaust tunes and a complete breakdown in mental faculties, impulse control, and brain cell retention.

“Honestly, we’re not surprised,” said lead researcher Dr. Melissa Tanaka. “You’re talking about people who willingly flash their ECUs just to make their 2007 BMW 328i sound like it’s getting shot at. Literacy was never really part of the build.”

Pop tunes—also known as “burble tunes” or “the sound of bad decisions”—are software mods that cause excess fuel to ignite in the exhaust, resulting in aggressive pops, bangs, and occasional neighborhood-wide panic that Karens report as gunshots on local apps. While enthusiasts argue that it gives their car “character,” the study indicates it may be giving them something else entirely: irreparable auditory and cognitive damage.

One participant, 22-year-old Steve Carlton, responded to the survey with a voice memo instead of written answers. “Yeah bro, I saw the headline,” he said. “Can’t read it. Anyway, the car sounded sick, huh? Like ‘POP-pop-BANG,’ ya know?”

According to the research team, 87% of respondents thought the term “study” referred to a lofi Spotify playlist. Another 10% attempted to rev their engines in response. The remaining 3% were still trying to spell “tune.”

Critics have called the research cruel and unfair, but Dr. Tanaka defended the results. “We’re not saying they’re stupid and their cars backfire. We’re saying they’re stupid because their cars backfire. That’s an important distinction.”

Local mechanic Danny Alvarez says the trend is reaching dangerous levels. “I had a kid come in asking if I could make his Honda sound like World War III,” Alvarez said. “He said the louder it is, the faster it feels.”

Despite the backlash, the pop-tune community remains unbothered. “They hate us because they ain’t us,” said one unnamed enthusiast while encouraging viewers to check out his “two-step” on Instagram Live. “We just don’t care. Either way, I don’t read.”

With backfires echoing through neighborhoods and critical thinking completely silenced, one thing is clear: the only thing louder than a pop-tuned exhaust is the deafening silence going on upstairs.