Officials Argue: “If You Can Navigate a Motorola RAZR, You’ve Earned It.”

SACRAMENTO—Lawmakers have voted to re-legalize texting while driving—but only for individuals who can still T9 text, because they could do it without looking like they were wizards and should’ve never been caught in this legal web to begin with.

“We’re not saying texting while driving is safe,” explained Senator Bill Parnell, author of the legislation. “We’re saying it used to be safe, back when people could write an entire novel on a Nokia keypad with their eyes closed while shifting a six-speed and choosing a CD to listen to.”

The law, dubbed the “Flip Phone Exemption,” will apply to drivers who can pass a state-administered test involving a flip phone, no autocorrect, and a 30-second limit to type out: “on my way, just gotta pick up some swishers. lol”

“It’s about muscle memory,” said DMV examiner Yolanda Ruiz. “If you can type ‘where are you’ in under three seconds without even glancing down, you clearly possess a level of cognitive multitasking that puts modern drivers to shame.”

Critics have questioned the move, calling it “reckless,” “discriminatory against people born after 2005,” and “a desperate grasp at relevance by lawmakers who still wear belt clips.”

But supporters argue it’s a way to honor a lost art. “Back in my day, we didn’t have voice-to-text,” said Craig Delaney, 37, proudly showing off his battered Nokia 3130. “We had to earn our distractions. Every misspelled word was a lesson.”

Car manufacturers are already reacting to the news. Dodge has announced a “T9 Mode” for the Charger that disables touchscreen inputs and blasts Soulja Boy’s Crank That when activated. Meanwhile, Toyota says they’ll release a special edition Camry with a built-in Sidekick keyboard.

Law enforcement agencies, surprisingly, support the law. “We don’t expect many people to qualify,” admitted Officer Dana Hughes. “Most current drivers can’t even drive while driving, let alone text on a 12-button phone. They don’t even know how to use buttons now.”

The test rollout begins next month, with a booth planned at every DMV where drivers must type a phrase, flip the phone shut, then open it again to check if they actually hit send. Bonus points awarded if they snap the phone closed with unnecessary aggression.

For those who pass, the open road awaits—along with the ability to text brb cops lol at 65 mph without flinching.

As one official noted, “This law isn’t about danger. It’s about respect. T9 texters didn’t die out—and they’re still willing to pay 25 cents per text just to prove it.”