"Alfa Romeo corporate, when asked for comment, responded with bots..."

DETROIT—Despite dismal sales, nonexistent marketing, and no dealerships, Alfa Romeo continues to exist in North America. Somehow. There’s only one possible explanation: a secret society is keeping it alive.

“There’s no logical reason these cars are still here,” said automotive analyst Darren Schultz. “Nobody buys them. Nobody sees them. Yet they keep releasing new models. It’s like discovering a new RadioShack in 2025. How?”

Alfa Romeo—known for its beautiful designs, emotional driving feel, and check engine lights that come pre-lit from the factory—sold approximately 11 cars last quarter, five of which were to the same guy who thought he was buying a Ferrari on the cheap. And yet, the brand marches on.

“The only people I’ve ever seen with Alfas park really far away at Cars and Coffee,” said car enthusiast Mariana Vega. “But when you walk over to ask them about it, they just stare into the distance and walk away—like they’ve seen the ghost of poor driving performance.”

The theory of a secret society gained traction after an anonymous Reddit post titled “My Cousin Works at Alfa and Knows Too Much” went viral. The post claims there’s a network of former Fiat engineers, Italian food truck owners, and YouTubers with three-hour-long reviews who have sworn a blood oath to keep Alfa alive—no matter the cost.

“They meet once a month in a dimly lit garage,” the post alleges, “chanting phrases like ‘It’s not a car, it’s an experience’ and ‘It just needs a new coil pack.’”

The society reportedly sustains Alfa’s North American operation by bulk-purchasing models, artificially inflating online interest with burner accounts, and writing glowing reviews that begin with, “Yes, it breaks down, but have you seen the front end?”

Alfa Romeo corporate, when asked for comment, responded with bots, and we couldn’t get in touch with an actual person.

Dealership employees, too, remain baffled. “We haven’t had a walk-in since 2019,” said one anonymous showroom staffer. “We mostly use the space to host underground raves.”

So if you see an Alfa on the road, know this: you’ve witnessed the work of something far greater than capitalism. You’ve seen a miracle.