"Is Homelander available?"

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Stunning absolutely no one, Donald Trump has called for military convoys to be deployed to various protests in Los Angeles, citing the events' calm demeanor as “way too peaceful” and “frankly unhelpful to my brand.”

“They’re way too peaceful,” Trump said during a press conference he called himself and live-streamed from a golf cart. “How am I supposed to take over the country if they’re not rioting like my January 6ers? They’re out there holding signs, chanting, wearing Crocs… it’s disgusting. We need chaos.”

According to sources close to the disgraced president, Trump has grown increasingly frustrated watching well-organized protests unfold without significant looting, bear mace, or buffalo hats. “It was much easier to get the January 6ers acting dumb,” he reportedly told aides. “All I had to do was say ‘march,’ and they started climbing walls like Spider-Men in cargo shorts.”

In a now-deleted Truth Social post, Trump allegedly asked, “If this doesn’t escalate soon, can we send in the Avengers or something? Is Homelander available? He’s the one who owns the libs, right?”

Military officials confirmed that no one responded to the inquiry, mostly because they’re trying to pretend they didn’t see it.

Witnesses on the ground have reported the arrival of several military vehicles at previously tranquil protest sites. “We were chanting, and someone had just started passing out bacon-wrapped hot dogs when an armored Humvee rolled up,” said protester Grace Perez. “It played ‘God Bless the U.S.A.’ on a loop, and someone inside screamed, ‘Why are we here?’”

Trump, however, remains undeterred. “This is getting in the way of me becoming king!” he declared during a bizarre phone interview with Newsmax, while simultaneously demanding McDonald’s and, according to hot mic audio, shouting, “Can someone change my diaper?”

Political analysts are divided on whether the diaper comment was literal, symbolic, or just part of Trump’s growing portfolio of stupidity.

Meanwhile, public response to the convoy deployment has ranged from confused to “how is this real life?”—as many point out that peaceful protest is a constitutional right, and sending military force to stop it might be slightly, ever so slightly, fascist.

Okay, completely fascist.

As for Trump, he’s reportedly working on a new campaign slogan: “Make America Riot Again.” Sources close to him say he’s already ordered the hats—and yes, they’re camouflage.