"Let’s focus on Lando actually getting good starts, and then we can talk about me."

MONTREAL—Local man Derek Fulton has continued his tireless campaign of hating on Formula 1 driver Lando Norris—despite having never won anything, ever, in any category of life. And it’s not like he hasn’t tried. He has tried. And still hasn’t won. Anything. Ever. He’s tried a lot, actually.

“He’s just not that good,” said Fulton, from a folding chair in his garage, surrounded by a half-finished project car and a PlayStation 1 controller. “Overrated. Overhyped. Over there smiling again like he finished ahead of Piastri or something. He makes me sick.”

Fulton, 37, has never driven anything faster than a 2009 Toyota Camry with a missing hubcap. Still, he insists that his years of watching highlight reels on YouTube qualify him to critique Norris’s every decision, facial expression, and helmet design.

“Lando’s weak in wheel-to-wheel battles,” Fulton continued, while breathing heavily from the exertion of opening a bag of chips. “He can’t handle pressure. Unlike me—I once got a triple kill in Warzone without a headset.”

Friends say Fulton’s obsession began in 2021 when Norris’s post-race interviews started showing up on his Instagram feed. “It just spiraled,” said longtime acquaintance Jake Ramirez. “One minute he’s watching the McLaren YouTube channel, the next he’s three hours deep into a Reddit thread called LandoMid and trying to explain tire degradation to his mom.”

When asked what driver he actually supports, Fulton hesitated before muttering, “Used to be Mazepin. Now I mostly root for Piastri.”

Psychologists have identified Fulton’s behavior as part of a broader condition known as Projection-Induced Fan Rage, often affecting men whose greatest accomplishments involve once being good at FIFA and still bringing it up in conversation.

“Criticizing high-achieving individuals gives them a temporary sense of control,” explained Dr. Leah Patterson. “In Derek’s case, hating Lando Norris fills the void where personal success or self-reflection might otherwise be.”

Despite overwhelming evidence that his efforts are futile, Fulton remains committed to his cause. “He’ll choke again, just wait,” he said, while adjusting his anime profile picture and preparing another 2,000-word Reddit post no one asked for.

When asked if he might ever redirect this passion into improving his own life, Fulton scoffed.

“Bro. Let’s focus on Lando actually getting good starts, and then we can talk about me.”