Alfa Romeo has announced a new marketing campaign titled "Still Here. Somehow."

TURIN, ITALY — As automakers scramble to adjust pricing models and supply chains in response to sweeping new tariffs, one brand remains gloriously untouched: Alfa Romeo. According to internal reports, the Italian marque’s sales have remained “exactly the same” before and after import fees.

“We checked the numbers,” said Alfa Romeo spokesperson Giovanni Spazzarini. “And they were the same as last quarter. And the quarter before that. I'm pretty sure we're going to sell one this quarter too.”

Tariffs recently imposed on European-made vehicles were expected to rattle the industry, with brands like BMW, Mercedes, and Audi all reporting significant dips in U.S. sales. Alfa Romeo, however, confidently strutted through the storm.

Dealers remain unbothered. “We didn’t even know the import fees happened,” admitted Diego Vargas, sales manager at an Alfa Romeo dealership in Los Angeles. “We’ve had the same Giulia sitting here since 2021. I take it to lunch sometimes.”

Industry analysts have noted that Alfa Romeo’s immunity to the tariffs highlights a unique business advantage to making zero sales.

“Most automakers would kill for a flatline in times like these,” said auto economist Linda Myers. “Alfa’s operating on a different plane. It’s recession-proof.”

Still, Alfa Romeo executives are confident. “We see this as a moment of resilience,” said Spazzarini. “Sure, our sales are low, but they’re consistently low. That’s called stability. That’s a brand you can trust.”

Longtime enthusiasts continue to support the brand, even if they’re hard to find. “Look, it’s not about reliability or availability,” said Marcos Santos, who owns three Alfas and a AAA card with no tow miles left. “It’s about passion. No one thinks of choosing an Alfa. People feel it in their heart, a couple people.”

Others are more skeptical. “The only reason they weren’t hit by the tariffs is because nobody remembered to apply them,” said Javier Ortiz, a car journalist. “It’s like taxing unicorns. First, you’d need to confirm they actually exist.”

To bolster visibility, Alfa Romeo has announced a new marketing campaign titled “Still Here. Somehow.” The campaign will highlight the brand’s most recent U.S. sale, which occurred last November when a confused buyer accidentally signed for a Stelvio.

As the rest of the automotive world braces for economic impact, Alfa Romeo cruises comfortably in the blind spot—completely unaffected, blissfully ignored, and, according to their numbers, just as successful as ever.