Because that’s the problem, obviously.

DETROIT—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking safety initiative, a major automaker has announced an innovative solution to combat the growing dangers of oversized vehicles: exterior airbags. The new system, which the company is calling ‘SafeSpace Air,’ is designed to protect pedestrians, cyclists, and other drivers from the unintended consequences of cars that have ballooned to the size of small apartment complexes.

“Safety is our top priority,” said company spokesperson Lisa Reynolds during a press briefing. “We recognize that vehicles have become significantly larger in recent years, and we’re proud to introduce the best solution anyone could come up with—a technology that cushions the impact of our gigantic cars when they inevitably collide with something.”

The SafeSpace Air system deploys a series of large airbags around the exterior of the vehicle, instantly inflating upon detecting any collision. This innovative approach ensures that whether the car is gently nudging a parking pole, sideswiping a compact sedan, or casually mounting a sidewalk, everything in its path will be softly absorbed—because that’s the problem, obviously.

Critics, however, argue that the automaker’s solution completely misses the point. “This is classic,” said transportation safety advocate Rachel Kim. “We have an epidemic of oversized SUVs and trucks with terrible visibility, but instead of making them smaller or easier to maneuver, they’re just padding the outside. They’re solving obesity with a bigger belt.”

Despite the criticism, the automaker insists that exterior airbags are a logical next step. “It’s all about protecting lives,” Reynolds explained. “We’ve also developed a feature where the car’s digital assistant can announce, ‘Watch Out!’ to any pedestrians or compact cars in the area.”

The automaker has also hinted at future safety enhancements, including an optional ‘Pedestrian Horn’ that automatically honks at anyone walking too close, and an ‘Enhanced Visibility Package’ that adds even more cameras and sensors to compensate for the driver’s complete inability to see around their vehicle.

“Safety is a journey, not a destination,” Reynolds concluded. “And as our vehicles continue to grow in size, we will continue to find new and exciting ways to ensure they don’t kill more people. We will do everything.”

When asked about making the vehicles smaller, Reynolds responded simply, “So people have to give up their third-row cupholders? Not that.”