"...the only part of the race where anything actually happens."

MONACO—Looking to "spice things up" without actually fixing the real problem, Formula 1 has announced that qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix will be scrapped entirely. Instead, the winner will now be determined by whichever driver achieves the fastest average time across two pit stops.

The decision comes amid growing criticism that the Monaco GP has become less of a race and more of a slow, expensive parade. With overtaking on track about as likely as a Stake podium, F1 officials say the new format will “shift the focus to what really matters: stopwatch drama in a tiny, roped-off box.”

“Monaco has such a rich heritage,” said F1 executive director Gilles Laurent. “That’s why we’re excited to focus on pit stops—the only part of the race where anything actually happens. And this way, we don’t have to change anything major.” Like, say, the circuit itself.

Drivers are expected to complete their first pit stop sometime before Lap 30, with the second happening after Lap 40. The average of the two will determine the podium, while everything else—the tires, the turns, the actual racing—will be mostly for shits and giggles.

“I love it,” said Red Bull’s Max Verstappen. “Now I can hit the sim rig Saturday night and just focus on nailing a 2.1 and a 2.3 on Sunday. I finally get to focus on my true passion.”

Others are more skeptical. “So let me get this straight,” said McLaren’s Oscar Piastri. “We’re racing to the pit lane now? At this rate, next year we’ll just throw the trophies at the safety car.”

F1 defended the decision, citing fan engagement metrics and a desire to “modernize tradition

without touching the sacred parts everyone complains about.” A spokesperson elaborated: “Fans want excitement, but we also want to respect history—by ignoring every single practical solution to the actual problem.”

Meanwhile, engineers are scrambling to develop pit-lane-optimized setups. One team has already begun testing wheels that pre-detach before the stop to save 0.04 seconds.

As the sport continues to chase spectacle over substance, one thing remains clear: Formula 1 will try anything to improve the Monaco GP—except the one thing that might work.