"I promise...a complete reversal on the swearing ban."

VATICAN CITY—The conclave—yes, that conclave—of Catholic cardinals has elected Spanish racing legend Carlos Sainz Sr. as the next president of the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA). The move comes after the cardinals decided to hold another election, having elected the new pope “hella fast,” and amid a wave of frustration with current FIA President Mohammed Ben Sulayem, whose reign has been marked by controversy, chaos, and a seemingly endless stream of awkward attempts to shake hands with race car drivers.

"We realized we had to intervene," said Cardinal Giuseppe Moretti, one of the key organizers of the conclave. "It was clear that only divine intervention could save motorsport from itself. We had time, we were all together, so we locked ourselves in the Sistine Chapel, looked to the heavens, and asked, ‘Who among us can deliver us from regulatory idiocy?’ And then it struck us—Carlos Sainz Sr."

The decision to adopt the Catholic conclave method for choosing the FIA president is a dramatic departure from the traditional election process. According to sources, the cardinals gathered under the famed Michelangelo fresco, debated vigorously, and ultimately chose Sainz Sr. after several rounds of secretive, smoke-signaled voting.

"Honestly, it was easier to choose a Pope," admitted Cardinal Moretti. "But at least we avoided any more of Ben Sulayem’s leadership. I mean, have you seen the mess he’s made? Even Pontius Pilate would have stepped in by now."

Carlos Sainz Sr., known for his storied rallying career and for providing the genetic material that generated Formula 1 star Carlos Sainz Jr., accepted the appointment with his characteristic humility. "I am honored by this divine calling," Sainz Sr. stated. "I promise to guide the FIA with wisdom, courage, and a complete reversal on the swearing ban."

Critics of Ben Sulayem were quick to celebrate the news. "Finally, someone who knows the difference between ‘strict but fair’ and ‘I don’t know, let’s ban jewelry again,’” said Martin Brundle, F1 commentator and unofficial ambassador of common sense. "Under Sainz Sr., we might actually get a coherent set of rules."

In a show of respect for the occasion, the Vatican sent out a ceremonial white smoke signal above St. Peter’s Basilica, signifying that Sainz Sr. had officially accepted his role. Inside sources report that Mohammed Ben Sulayem’s reaction was less than gracious—he was reportedly seen Googling “how to fine the Catholic Church.”

As the motorsport world looks to a new era under Sainz Sr., many fans are optimistic. "If Sainz Sr. can navigate the Dakar Rally, he can certainly navigate FIA politics," said longtime F1 fan Sergio Mendoza. "At least now we have a president who understands race car drivers."

While it remains to be seen how much the Church’s influence will shape motorsport, one thing is clear: for the first time in years, the FIA might actually have a prayer.