"I thought, yeah, this is the one. This is who we made it for."

AUSTIN—Tesla CEO Elon Musk has admitted that his decision to gift multiple Cybertrucks to Donald Trump was entirely intentional. Not out of any actual love, as Trump claims, but because, in Musk’s words, “They’re for douchebags. It’s literally the brand.”

The statement came during a hastily assembled livestream front the White House curb titled “The Truth About Trump,” in which Musk, surrounded by fencing and a son who wouldn’t stop punching his eye, let off a series of statements that made us all question our reality.

“Look, I’m not saying he’s the only one who fits the demographic,” Musk said, sipping a cup of ketamine laced vodka through a SpaceX-branded straw. “But when you design a truck that looks like a 1950s space movie on meth, you kind of expect it to end up in the hands of people who think turn signals are a form of weakness.”

According to internal Tesla memos leaked shortly after the livestream, the company had a working theory called the “Douche Funnel”—a marketing model designed to attract buyers with a love of MAGA, crypto, and yelling. Trump, apparently, hit all three KPIs within minutes.

“I met up with him at a Mar-a-Lago brunch,” Musk recalled. “He kept calling it a ‘Tesler’ and asked if it came with a button that makes liberals cry. I thought, yeah, this is the one. This is who we made it for.”

Donnie has yet to respond directly, but sources close to Trump say he remains unaware of the insult. “He thinks ‘douchebag’ is a French Big Mac,” one aide confirmed.

Meanwhile, the revelation has sparked a minor identity crisis among current Cybertruck owners. “Am I a douchebag?” asked Kyle Zimmerman, who had just installed a flamethrower add-on and parked his truck across four spaces at Whole Foods. “I thought I was just vibing.”

Tesla’s stock dropped sharply after Musk’s comment, with analysts noting that the brand is “completely ruined.” “At this point, Elon can say whatever he wants. We can’t fail harder than this,” said market strategist Dana Liu.

As for Musk, he ended the livestream by promising an upcoming software update that will allow the Cybertruck to auto-block anyone who isn’t racist.

“I’m just giving the people what they want,” Musk added. “And what they want is a stainless-steel brick that says, ‘I’m a terrible person who makes terrible decisions—but expensively.’”