"I was still me—just lower to the ground."

CORONA—Thirty-eight-year-old Juan Terez has come to terms with the fact that purchasing a two-seater sports car has done absolutely nothing to reverse his age. Turns out there’s no cure for a mid-life crisis.

“I thought it would fix everything,” said Terez, staring blankly at his newly acquired 2022 Porsche Cayman while nursing an aching back. “I had this vision of myself—wind in my hair, women smiling at me, my knees not making sounds. But the second I stepped out of the dealership, my lower back still hurt.”

Terez, a marketing manager and self-described “car enthusiast,” had spent months researching the perfect car in his meager budget to “bring back the good ol’ days.” He ultimately landed on a manual Cayman after briefly considering a BMW but dismissing it for “being too overdone.”

“I told myself this car was going to be a portal to my twenties,” he said. “But then I got in, and the Bluetooth wouldn’t sync, and I was late to my chiropractor appointment. I was still me—just lower to the ground.”

Friends of Terez were supportive but not surprised. “He thought a Porsche would fix his existential crap,” said longtime friend Derek Tran. “I told him, ‘Dude, the car won’t bring your hair back. Or your knees. Or fix that weird clicking sound when you sit down.’”

Experts say this is a common misconception among aging millennials. “There’s this belief that a sports car is a cheat code for youth,” said psychologist Dr. Elena Ruiz. “What they forget is that youth also involved sleeping on floors and eating gas station sushi that overdrafted your checking account. At best, it just helps you get to the doctor faster.”

Despite the crushing realization, Terez is choosing to remain optimistic. “Look, I may still feel 38, but I now look 38 in a Porsche,” he said. “And that’s something, right?”

He’s already begun posting filtered photos of the car on social media with captions like ‘Therapy on wheels’ and ‘Age is just a number, but horsepower is forever.’ His wife, however, remains unconvinced. “It’s his crisis,” she said. “I’m just here to make sure he doesn’t try to grow a mustache again.”

For now, Juan continues to drive his dream car, slightly hunched over, Spotify glitching, and wondering why no one warned him that speed can’t outrun time.