One builds character.

AUSTIN—To secure a brighter future—and definitely no other motive—for the next generation, Texas lawmakers are moving to ban all THC products in the state, including vapes, gummies, and drinks that provide consumers with pleasure, pain relief, PTSD treatment, and a bunch of other benefits with nearly nonexistent negative effects. This, officials claim, is the best way to save the future of the state without doing anything that actually solves a problem—especially if you believe climate change isn’t real. And if you think about it, rolling coal is a more family-friendly activity than marijuana anyway.

“We’re here to protect the children,” said State Senator Dale Whitmore, while casually pouring diesel on a campfire during the press conference. “Marijuana sends the wrong message. Texas needs to go back to its traditions—big trucks and cowboy hats. That’s Texas.”

The new campaign, dubbed "Roll Coal, Not Weed," aims to redirect young people away from what lawmakers call “modern reefer madness” and toward more respectable pastimes like rolling coal and fracking.

“Look, weed just makes you lazy,” said local father and amateur coal roller Kenny McGraw, while pointing at his son’s bedroom window. “If he was out rolling coal, he’d be getting things done and protecting his environment.”

The initiative includes incentives such as tax breaks for smoke-tuned diesels and coal-rolling permits issued to teenagers who promise to talk crap about Californians. Meanwhile, dispensaries across the state have been raided and replaced with vape shops that only sell the kind of juice that gives you popcorn lung.

Not everyone is thrilled with the shift. Environmental experts have warned that encouraging rolling coal could accelerate climate change and respiratory illness. Texas officials responded with a 40-truck burnout at a church.

“Are we supposed to sit around and let people get pain relief and come up with profound shower thoughts?” asked Lieutenant Governor Brent Parker. “No sir. We want aggression. We want strength. We want our kids to grow up knowing how to smoke out a Prius without flinching.”

As for the children themselves, reactions have been mixed. Some teens have already posted celebratory TikToks using the #CoalIsTheFuture hashtag, while others are reportedly developing a new strain of weed that smells like diesel in an effort to fly under the radar.

But for Texas leadership, the mission is clear.

“If it’s giving you pain relief and helping you relax,” said Senator Whitmore, “then it’s not building character.”