"It’s not materialism if it comes with hot laps and PBs."

SAN DIEGO—A new study confirms that people who spend money on experiences rather than possessions report greater long-term happiness—prompting car enthusiasts nationwide to immediately interpret the findings—correctly—as instruction to buy a $400 track day with the car they’re buying to ensure complete happiness.

“It makes total sense,” said Miata owner Daniel Ruiz, moments after sending his first Klarna payment for Buttonwillow. “The car is the thing, but the track day is the experience. Together, it’s like emotional compound interest—it’s a guarantee.”

Researchers at the Useless Technicals Institute say their work was intended to discourage materialistic consumption and promote meaningful memories, such as travel, social bonding, and cultural exploration. They didn’t expect to completely validate every impulsive and irresponsible purchase made by people who can't let their daily driver be a daily driver.

“We just wanted people to think twice before buying more stuff,” said Dr. Lindsay Patel, the study’s lead author. “But car people read the headline and found a loophole we didn’t expect. They immediately started shopping for helmets and Googling ‘how to win your first HPDE.’”

For many enthusiasts, the study has simply reinforced what they already believe: if you crash into a tire wall, but you learned something, it was totally worth it.

“The moment I hit the limiter through the esses, I felt present for the first time in years,” said Civic Type R owner Alex Mendoza. “That’s happiness. That’s what the scientists are talking about. Not a yacht. Not a Roth IRA. Not my kids. Just me, the track, and some rapidly depleting savings accounts.”

Credit card companies are thrilled. One spokesperson for DriveMore™ Financial said applications for high-limit cards spiked immediately after the study’s release. “We’re launching a new rewards program where every $1,000 spent on ‘experience-based tire wear’ earns you two points and a free energy drink.”

Still, not everyone is convinced. “I don’t think this is what the study meant,” said Dr. Patel, flipping through receipts from a recent race weekend that somehow cost $800. “But if turning your car into a 100MPH+ death trap makes you happy… well, I guess we’ve lost the argument.”

As the debate continues, one thing is clear: happiness may not be found in things or experiences, but in telling your friends you did both—and showing them your GoPro footage to prove it.