"Volkswagen in a tailored suit."

HAWTHORNE—In a stunning blow to Ingolstadt, BMW has outpaced Audi in sales by a whopping 2-to-1 margin, raising the question that many have been pondering: “Why are people still buying Audis?” The revelation has sparked debates across car forums, coffee shops, and the back seats of Uber rides everywhere.

"Honestly, I’m baffled," said car enthusiast Mark Sants, sipping his latte outside a BMW dealership. “You could buy a BMW and enjoy a rear-wheel-drive masterpiece with a grille that’s divisive but iconic. Or you could buy an Audi, which is essentially a Volkswagen in a tailored suit. Your call.”

Experts attribute the sales disparity to BMW’s recent design refreshes, engineering innovation, and commitment to producing vehicles with "just enough tech to confuse your grandparents." Meanwhile, Audi seems stuck trying to sell cars that "look great in black-and-white Instagram photos but feel soulless," as one automotive journalist put it.

Audi loyalists, however, are standing their ground. Javier Solis, an Audi RS5 owner, defended his brand passionately. “Look, not everyone wants to feel exhilirating performance like you do in a BMW,” he retorted. “Audis are for people who appreciate luxury and refinement without having to explain that we also don't use our blinkers.”

Even Audi executives have weighed in, albeit awkwardly. “Our cars are, um, a unique blend of... features and, uh, qualities,” stammered Dieter Klein, Audi's Head of Global Sales. “Plus, we’re pioneers of ambient lighting. Have you seen our cup holders? They’re lit!”

For now, BMW appears to be winning the sales race, while Audi tries to figure out its next move—possibly doubling down on its e-tron lineup or throwing in free Netflix subscriptions with every purchase. Only time will tell if Audi can bounce back or if their cars will remain the vehicular equivalent of a shrug..