"Honestly, I think I could take it to the track now."

COMPTON—In what can only be described as the automotive magic, local resident Eduardo Figueroa claims his 2023 Toyota 86 now “feels a little quicker, doesn't it?” after a routine oil change. The bold statement has left friends, family, and his mechanic in a state of disgust.

“It’s like the car just woke up, you know?” Figueroa said, beaming with pride. “The steering feels tighter, the acceleration is smoother, and I swear it’s even getting better gas mileage. Honestly, I think I could take it to the track now.”

The transformation, according to Figueroa, occurred shortly after his visit to QuickLube, where technicians drained the old oil and replaced it with what Figueroa claims is “some high-performance stuff.” In reality, it was the standard 0W-20 his car manufacturer recommends.

Eduardo’s mechanic, Marcos Santos, offered his take. “I mean, we just changed the oil,” Santos said, shrugging. “If he feels like it’s sharper, good for him. But I promise, it’s the same 86 he brought in. The brakes are still squeaky, and those tires? Completely shot. He never listens to me.”

Despite the skepticism, Figueroa insists his newfound performance gains are real. “I’ve been driving this car for years; I know how it feels,” he argued. “I don’t care what anyone says—this oil change made a difference.”

Figueroa’s girlfriend, Sofia, was less impressed. “Eduardo says this after every oil change,” she remarked. “Last time, he claimed it felt like a Formula 1 car.”

Figueroa is reportedly considering upgrading his air freshener next. “If the oil change can do this, imagine what a new pine-scented freshener will do,” he said with foolish confidence.