"...why not free car lovers from the drudgery of oil changes?"

NEW JERSEY—In an ingenious move, Lumon Industries—the corporate giant made famous for the invention of Severance—has thrown its hat into the automotive ring. The company, long celebrated for its ability to split work and personal life into two mutually oblivious halves, now claims to offer a dream service exclusively for car enthusiasts.

For decades, car enthusiasts have faced a paradox. They crave the raw, unfiltered emotions of driving—a symphony of roaring engines and hairpin curves—but balk at the knuckle-busting reality of maintenance and repairs. Enter Lumon’s latest venture. By outsourcing the dirty work of your automotive backlog to your very own “innie,” Lumon promises that you'll never have to choose between the art of driving and the agony of wrenching again.

A longtime DIY mechanic remarked, “I always thought, why should I spend my weekends with a wrench when I could be at the racetrack? With Lumon’s Auto-Severance, I finally get to do what I love—drive—while my innie gets stuck with all the work. He's tried to kill me a few times, but Lumon said they have someone named Milchick protecting me—or him, no wait… meee?”

In a press release, a Lumon spokesperson noted, “We realized that if our cutting-edge severance procedure can liberate the human mind from the shackles of work, why not free car lovers from the drudgery of oil changes?”

This merging of corporate tactics with everyday hobbies has sparked arguments in automotive circles. Critics worry that soon, every aspect of life—from mowing lawns to taking out your trash—might be outsourced to one’s inner self, leaving the outer persona to simply revel in life’s pleasures.

In the end, whether this service will get car enthusiasts' race cars off jack stands or sputter out as another over-hyped corporate gimmick remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: in an era where even our innies are up for hire, the line between work and play is destined to blur, and sometimes, that’s exactly where the fun begins.