"..turning into a low IQ rodeo. "

ROME—A groundbreaking new study suggests that the downfall of the Roman Empire may not have been due to political corruption, economic instability, or barbarian invasions—but rather, an epidemic of reckless chariot takeovers.

“We’ve long suspected that Rome’s decline was tied to internal chaos,” said lead historian Dr. Antonio Vargas. “But recent discoveries in ancient texts and archaeological evidence suggest that large-scale, organized chariot takeovers may have played a significant role. Apparently, the streets weren’t just for trade—they were for poorly executed chariot donuts.”

Researchers have unearthed mosaics depicting mobs of toga-clad youth pulling crappy hand brake turns through the Forum, with inscriptions translating to phrases like “All roads lead to sideways” and “Real gladiators hit curbs.” One particularly damning scroll describes an imperial edict banning “irresponsible chariot maneuvers, late-night torchlit gatherings, and the defilement of public fountains with sad attempts at donuts.”

“This wasn’t just an isolated problem,” explained historian Claudia Marquez. “We found evidence that entire legions had to be diverted from frontier defense just to keep the streets of Rome from turning into a low IQ rodeo. ”

Eyewitness accounts from the time paint a picture of unchecked automotive (or rather, equestrian) anarchy. “One source describes Emperor Honorius attempting to address the Senate while chariots skidded outside, their drivers shouting ‘AVE, BRO!’ as they narrowly avoided pedestrians after already hitting four other pedestrians,” said Dr. Vargas.

Ultimately, the study concludes that by the time Rome’s rulers realized the takeover culture was unsustainable, it was too late. “In the end, the empire fell just like a cocky charioteer taking a chariot into a curb,” said Marquez. “They thought they could hold it—but they were already sliding toward disaster.”