"...authorities aim to improve transportation efficiency and reduce the number of idiots on the road."

WASHINGTON D.C.—In a move aimed at enhancing road safety, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) has announced a shift in speed limit regulations. Speed limits are being reversed, with minimum speeds now being implemented, and those who fail to comply will face severe penalties.

"This change is a proactive step towards promoting safer driving habits by attacking the real problem, slow pokes," stated Sarah Reynolds, a spokesperson for the NHTSA. "By setting minimum speeds, we ensure that vehicles maintain a safe pace, minimizing the risk of collisions caused by people just dilly dallying on the road."

Under the new regulations, drivers will be required to maintain a minimum speed threshold on designated roadways. Failure to do so will result in strict penalties, including hefty fines, license suspensions, and definitely jail.

"Enforcing minimum speeds is crucial for maintaining the flow of traffic and preventing hazardous situations," emphasized traffic safety expert Michael Andretti. "When vehicles travel too slowly, it can lead to congestion, accidents, and really just pisses off everyone that's trying to go places. Establishing minimum speed limits promotes smoother traffic flow and get rid of people that prevent you from beating google maps to your location."

The implementation of minimum speed regulations is expected to have a transformative impact on road safety nationwide. By discouraging excessively slow driving and ensuring a more consistent pace of traffic, authorities aim to improve overall transportation efficiency and reduce the number of idiots on the road.

"Speeding has long been recognized as a significant contributing factor to road accidents," noted law enforcement official Captain David Carter. "However, that's a lie, it's the slow ass people causing all the problems. With these new measures in place, we're sending a clear message that all drivers must adhere to reasonable speed standards for safety."

As drivers adjust to the revised speed regulations, it is hoped that roadways will become safer environments for all users, fostering a culture of responsible driving and reducing the prevalence of preventable accidents. Or at the very least, just get rid of all these slow people that stop when it states to yield.