"...it's easy to assume you’re a monetary genius."

AUSTIN—A new socioeconomic study has confirmed a new wealth indicator: owning three or more vehicles is typically a strong indicator of financial literacy & success—unless, of course, they don't actually run. In that case, you lack any semblance of financial literacy and success.

The study, conducted by the National Bureau of Automotive Sociology, found a sharp divide between perceived wealth and mechanical reality. “When people hear you have three cars, it's easy to assume you’re a monetary genius,” explained lead researcher Dr. Elisa Tran. “But when they arrive and two are up on jack stands and the third is missing an engine, the vibe shifts instantly from ‘baller’ to ‘baller-on-credit.’”

According to the data, Americans with three or more running vehicles tend to own property, invest in stocks, and occasionally wash their cars. Meanwhile, those with three or more non-running vehicles are more likely to have a Harbor Freight memberships and consistently miss timelines.

“It’s not that we’re broke,” argued Guillermo Diaz, who currently owns a 240SX shell, a ‘project’ RX-7, and a Civic missing both bumpers. “It’s just that the parts market is brutal right now, and you gotta wait for the right time to build. I’m also tired.”

Neighbors, however, see it differently. “He told me two years ago that all three were ‘almost done,’” said next-door resident Carol Patterson. “Now there’s a family of raccoons living in one of them.”

The study also revealed a psychological phenomenon researchers are calling the “Garage Wealth Illusion”—a condition where owners assign imaginary value to half-assembled cars based on what they might be worth once finished.

“We had one participant say his three non-running cars were collectively worth $90,000,” Tran noted. “Based on what? Dreams? The parts scattered across his living room? That man hasn’t had a single running car since 2017.”

Despite the findings, Diaz remains defiant. “When the builds are done, you’ll see. It’s gonna be wild,” he said. “I just need a few more weekends, and maybe another parts car, and a job.”

For now, the only thing running is his mouth—and the extension cord keeping his trickle charger alive.