LOS ANGELES—Experts from the Useless Technicals Institute (UTI) have identified the holy trinity of automotive terror, sending shockwaves through car enthusiast and commuter communities alike. The list, based on firsthand accounts, dashcam footage, and the occasional insurance claim, names three vehicles as the most dangerous on the road: a bumperless Nissan Altima, a straight-piped Infiniti G35, and anything with a bedazzled license plate frame.

“The bumperless Altima is basically Mad Max on a budget,” said traffic analyst Brian Ortega. “These cars are held together with hope, duct tape, and three unpaid parking tickets. If you see one coming, just pull over and pray.” Ortega added that these Altimas often have mismatched tires, bald enough to qualify as racing slicks.

Next on the list is the straight-piped Infiniti G35, renowned for terrorizing neighborhoods with its unholy roar. “They sound like a coffee can full of rocks being hurled off a cliff,” complained local resident and noise victim Maria Torres. “These drivers rev their engines at stoplights like they’re auditioning for a Fast and Furious reboot no one asked for. And then they stall out—every time.”

Finally, there’s the wildcard: any vehicle sporting a bedazzled license plate frame. “These drivers are the real wildcards,” said highway patrol officer Jake Simmons. “If someone takes the time to order a license plate frame with fake crystals for their car, they clearly don’t value life—or sanity. Tailgating, weaving, no turn signals—they do it all—and they do it while sparkling.”

Drivers nationwide are now reconsidering their commutes. “I’m just going to Uber from now on,” said commuter Elena Gutierrez. “The surcharge is worth it if it means avoiding a rhinestone-encrusted death sentence.”

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: these cars prove the road is not for the faint of heart—or anyone without full coverage insurance.