"It’s like they get us..."

PHOENIX—In a groundbreaking move aimed at convenience and realism, AutoZone has announced that all new store locations will feature pre-stained parking lots, ensuring that customers feel right at home from the moment they arrive.

“Our customers don’t like pristine asphalt,” said AutoZone spokesperson Carla Ramirez. “A spotless parking lot doesn’t scream ‘trusted car parts haven.’ It screams ‘soulless franchise.’ By pre-staining our lots with authentic oil spills, coolant drips, and mystery fluids, we’re giving people the full AutoZone experience before they even step inside.”

The stains, meticulously applied using a proprietary blend of motor oil, transmission fluid, and other unidentified substances, have been carefully designed to replicate years of car enthusiast negligence. “It’s an art form,” explained senior stain technician Jorge Vargas. “We’re talking about random puddles, splatter patterns, and those iconic long drips that lead to nowhere. Perfection is chaos in this case.”

Local car enthusiasts have already expressed their excitement. “It’s like they get us,” said regular customer Mark Gutierrez. “Now, I don’t have to feel bad about my Civic leaking oil everywhere—I can just park and blend right in.”

Critics, however, are less enthused. “Is this really what we’re normalizing?” asked environmental activist Linda Meyers. “We’re celebrating parking lot pollution now? What’s next, illegal smog checks?”

But AutoZone remains undeterred. “We’re not just a parts store; we’re a lifestyle brand,” Ramirez said proudly. “Our customers come here to fix their cars and, let’s be honest, to break them again. These pre-stained lots are about honoring that cycle. Plus, we’re tired of trying to clean the stains all the time.”

With the first pre-stained location set to open next month, customers can look forward to a more convenient trip to get parts—an experience that’s truly, unmistakably AutoZone.