I can't take that ride.

HAWTHORNE—After years of watching people find increasingly creative ways to decline his ride offers, local car enthusiast Diego Martínez has finally accepted the truth: The TV was right, it's my insurance. In response, Martínez has taken matters into his own hands by purchasing a comprehensive Survival insurance plan.

“I don’t get it,” Martínez said, shaking his head while revving his bolt-on spec 350Z in a CVS parking lot. “My car is literally built for speed and performance. But somehow, when I offer someone a ride, they suddenly remember they ‘forgot something inside’ or 'can't take that ride.’”

After the latest round of refusals, Martínez decided to change his situation—on paper, at least. His new Survival insurance plan covers basically nothing, it's a cut rate insurance from the 90s. We actually thought it wasn't around anymore.

“Diego’s heart is in the right place, but his driving skill definitely isn’t,” said longtime friend Julian Rojas. “I made the mistake of getting in his car once. I knew I had made a terrible life choice, when I woke up in the hospital.”

The Survival insurance company, typically catering to gullible day time television watchers, admitted that Martínez’s policy is unique. “We usually cover people who watch Jerry Springer and don't get out the house,” said insurance rep Sarah Kim. “But honestly, we’ve been out of business for years but he insisted this would solve his problems.”

Despite the skepticism, Martínez remains hopeful. “Now that I have Survival, nobody will say no!”

As of press time, friends were still finding excuses to avoid his passenger seat, with one reportedly claiming they “just love taking the bus.”