"I’m basically a fitness influencer now."

LOS ANGELES—The U.S. Department of Agriculture unveiled a groundbreaking update to its food pyramid this week, officially recognizing grassroots motorsports as an essential component of a balanced diet. The new guidelines have sparked curiosity, confusion, and a spike in sales of track tires and canopies.

“This is about the holistic health of the American public,” explained USDA spokesperson Sarah Ramirez. “We’ve known for years that fresh air, physical activity, and a little engine grease do wonders for mental and physical well-being. Grassroots motorsports combine all three—plus the adrenaline rush of almost hitting a wall at 80 miles per hour. It’s basically kale for the soul.”

Motorsports enthusiasts are embracing the change. “I always said wrenching on my car was healthier than broccoli,” said longtime autocross driver Marvin Perez. “Now the USDA backs me up. Sure, I eat gas station burritos during events, but those laps around Big Willow? Cardio, baby. I’m basically a fitness influencer now.”

However, critics question the practicality of the guidelines. “How are we supposed to implement this?” asked nutritionist Linda Cheng. “Am I supposed to recommend my clients race between meals? The pyramid already looks ridiculous with motorsports beating out fruits and whole grains.”

In response, the USDA clarified that participation doesn’t have to involve actual racing. Activities such as shouting from the sidelines, trailer loading, and making poor financial decisions on parts upgrades also qualify. “It’s about fostering a sense of community and joy,” said Ramirez. “And let’s be honest, is there anything more American than spending your monthly grocery budget on a new GT wing?”

While skeptics remain, enthusiasts are celebrating. “Finally,” said Perez. “Proof that racing isn’t just a hobby—it’s health food. Now if only health insurance would cover track fees.””