"...If they want convenience, they should just Uber."

LOS ANGELES—A recent survey has revealed that 53% of sports car owners who opted for automatic transmissions report no regrets, while the remaining 47%—actually drive their cars.

“I mean, why would I regret it?” said David Caldwell, proud owner of a paddle-shift-equipped Audi S4. “It’s just so convenient. I can sip my pumpkin spice latte, scroll Instagram, and still hit 60 in 6.3 seconds. Who needs to row gears when the car can do it better than me?”

However, for those who do more than use their cars as glorified social media props, the story is different. “Driving an automatic in a sports car is like going to a steakhouse and ordering tofu,” said Emilio Rivera, who insists on driving his manual Mazda MX-5 daily. “Yeah, it takes effort, but that’s the point. Every shift is like a little fist bump with the car. Automatic drivers are just missing a soul.”

Manufacturers, meanwhile, seem content to let the debate rage on. “We build what the market demands,” said Sarah Nguyen, a spokesperson for a major automaker. “If customers want a car that shifts for them so they can eat pastries while merging onto the freeway, who are we to stop them? Besides, manuals are bad for profits.”

The divide in opinion has sparked heated debates online, with hashtags like #SaveTheManual and #AutoLife trending on social media. Still, Rivera remains unimpressed by the 53% majority. “They’re not driving,” he quipped. “If they want convenience, they should just Uber.”

For now, it seems the manual vs. automatic debate will rage on, leaving car enthusiasts everywhere to argue whether convenience is worth the cost of having literally zero soul..