"...flat-out intimidate your friend into turning wrenches."

CHICAGO—A new service called Project Pushers is giving gearheads the ultimate nudge: sending “motivational goons” to friends who just can’t seem to finish their project cars.

“We’ve all got that one friend whose car has been sitting on jack stands for years,” said founder Tony Morales. “You show up to help, but they’re always ‘waiting on parts’ or ‘still deciding on a color for the valve cover.’ Enough is enough. That’s where we come in.”

The service operates simply. For a modest fee, Project Pushers dispatches a team of goons—complete with steel-toed boots and an impressive knowledge of how to inflict pain on the human body—to motivate, or flat-out intimidate your friend into turning wrenches.

“We don’t want to hurt anyone,” assured goon supervisor Marco Delgado. “We just... strongly encourage progress. Sometimes, all it takes is a ski mask and a little motivation to light a fire under someone.”

Early clients are already singing the service’s praises. “I sent the goons to my buddy’s house after his RX-7 had been sitting untouched for three years,” said customer Javier Ortiz. “Two days later, he had the engine swapped, the wiring harness cleaned up, and a fresh coat of paint. He even thanked me—after his face healed.”

Critics have questioned the ethics of the service, but Morales remains unapologetic. “This is about saving the project cars—and the friendships,” he explained. “Do you really want your friends to be someone who keeps saying, ‘Next weekend, I swear’ for the hundredth time? We’re not just goons; we’re heroes.”

As Project Pushers expands nationwide, one thing is clear: no unfinished project car is safe from their motivational methods..