"...I don't know why I even drive it."

HERNDON—In a move driven not by safety, emissions, powertrain failure, or body failure, Audi has announced a forced recall of all 2016–2023 A4 models after a nationwide consensus emerged: there are simply too damn many of them on the road.

“We pride ourselves on listening to customer feedback,” said Audi spokesperson Klaus Dietrich. “And when every driver, pedestrian, and confused valet starts saying the same thing—‘Wait, another one of these?’—we knew it was time to act.”

The recall affects nearly 700,000 vehicles in the U.S. alone, most of which are still indistinguishably mid despite trim packages named things like “Prestige,” “Premium,” and “S Line Black Optic Quantum Diamond Deluxe.” According to Audi, the issue isn’t mechanical, but existential.

“It’s not that they’re bad cars,” explained longtime A4 owner Paul Sanchez. “It’s just that I parked at Trader Joe’s and all the cars parked there seemed better than mine. I don't know why I even drive it.”

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration backed Audi’s decision, citing rising complaints not of malfunction, but of societal fatigue. “We’ve never seen anything like this,” said NHTSA rep Linda Woo. “No one was in danger, but everyone just seemed... emotionally exhausted by the redundancy.”

Owners will be given the option to return their vehicles in exchange for something “that’s not an Audi,” such as a lime green Kia Soul or literally any Alfa Romeo. Audi has not confirmed what will happen to the returned A4s, though one internal memo suggests “maybe just stack them somewhere no one can see them.”

Audi remains optimistic. “This isn’t a failure—it’s proof of our dominance,” said Dietrich. “You know what other car gets recalled because it’s just there? None. We’ve achieved peak German vehicle.”

For affected owners like Stephanie Tan, the recall comes as a mixed blessing. “I loved my A4,” she said. “But I’ll admit—I just say that ’cause I bought it. Honestly, I’m just excited to drive something people will see as cool.”

As for the A4, it will go down in history not for its speed, luxury, or tech—but for its overwhelming ability to be disliked, everywhere, all at once.