Includes upgraded seals, redesigned drain plugs, and a proprietary gasket compound

WOODCLIFF LAKE, NJ—In a move that has stunned drivers, mechanics, and kitty litter manufacturers alike, BMW has announced that for the first time in the company’s history, buyers will be able to option their vehicles with “No Leaks.”

The feature—officially labeled the Z95 Fluid Containment Package—will be available across the entire 2026 model year lineup. For an additional $24,995, customers can now enjoy oil pans and gaskets “specifically engineered not to weep like little bitches.”

“We felt it was time to give customers a choice,” said BMW spokesperson Ingrid Weiss. “For decades, our cars have been precision-built, performance-tuned machines. And also kind of leak all the time. Now you can still have that legendary German engineering—just with fewer garage stains.”

The announcement has sent shockwaves through the BMW community, where fluid loss has long been considered a rite of passage. Many owners report feeling confused. “Wait, what?” said Carlos Jiménez, owner of an E46 M3. “They could prevent these things from leaking the entire time?!”

According to internal documents, the “No Leaks” package includes upgraded seals, redesigned drain plugs, and a proprietary gasket compound referred to only as BauTex™—a material believed to have been developed in a secret lab using crushed Audis.

Mechanics are bracing for the impact. “This could put me out of business,” said Otto Keller, an independent BMW specialist in Pasadena. “I’ve made a career off shitty valve cover gaskets and mystery coolant loss. What am I supposed to do—work on Teslas?”

BMW insists that “leak-free” doesn’t mean “emotion-free.” Owners opting out of the package can still enjoy the full traditional experience, complete with vague drips, disappearing coolant, and that nostalgic whiff of burnt oil after a spirited grocery run.

Social media has been ablaze since the announcement. Enthusiasts are split between celebrating the technological leap and mourning the loss of a long-standing tradition. “I installed a special floor in preparation for my new BMW,” one Reddit user lamented. “Now what?”

Despite the backlash, preorders for the Z95 package are strong. BMW has hinted that if successful, similar packages may be introduced in the future—including “Functional Turn Signals” and “Working Window Regulators.”

For now, one thing is clear: the future of BMW is cleaner and just a little less wet.