"I’m the Henry Ford of electric cars..."

CORONA—The prestigious ninetyoneoctane Awards have already crowned their 2025 Tool of the Year, and in a shocking twist, Elon Musk has narrowly edged out the legendary ziptie. The decision has sparked fierce debates in the automotive world, with critics questioning whether Musk truly deserves the honor.

“Zipties have been holding cars and lives together for decades,” said award panelist Javi Ortega. “They’re reliable, cheap, and never tweet weird stuff at 3 a.m. Elon’s contributions are impressive, sure, but can he fix a broken bumper on a budget? I think not. I mean, he’s also responsible for the Cybertruck—he should lose on that alone.”

The competition was neck-and-neck, with Musk’s polarizing combination of innovation and stupid antics just barely tipping the scales. “We almost went with the ziptie,” admitted award organizer Ronald Tramp. “It’s a classic. But Musk launched a Roadster into Earth’s orbit and then never actually delivering the car to anyone who preordered it. You have to admire the audacity.”

Fans of the ziptie, however, aren’t taking the loss lightly. “This is highway robbery,” said local mechanic Marcos Gonzales. “Zipties are the unsung heroes of car culture. They don’t need fame, fortune, or a PR team. They just quietly hold it all together—literally. Musk couldn’t even secure a Tesla door panel without them!”

Musk, unsurprisingly, accepted the award with his signature mix of obnoxious hubris and awkward jumping. “I’m honored,” he tweeted shortly after the announcement. “Zipties are great, but I’m the Henry Ford of electric cars, I’m going to Mars, and I invented reusable zip connections for Mars-bound vehicles. So technically, they’re my idea now. You’re welcome.”

As the dust settles, one thing is clear: while Musk may be the biggest tool of 2025, zipties will forever hold a special place in the hearts (and undercarriages) of car enthusiasts everywhere.