"Now everyone is going to want pardons."

WASHINGTON D.C.—A local car enthusiast has made an unprecedented legal move, formally requesting a presidential pardon for an illegal smog check on his heavily modified Infiniti G35. His reasoning? “Laws are optional now.”

“I just figured, you know, if people can get away with actual crimes, why can’t I?” said Julio Hernández, whose car has more ODB2 codes than catalytic converters. “I was told I needed a stock exhaust to pass smog, and that sounded like government overreach to me.”

Hernández’s legal strategy is based on recent trends of pardons, which he believes should extend to car enthusiasts. “People are pardoned for ignoring tax laws, insider trading, even basic human decency, nothing happens,” he explained. “But the second I want to run long-tube headers and a catless tune, I’m treated like I’m personally responsible for the death of a CEO.”

Legal experts are skeptical about his chances, but some sympathize with his frustration. “Technically, he has no case,” said constitutional lawyer David Ramirez. “But at this point, who knows? He might just say his exhaust shop was infiltrated by the deep state, and suddenly half the country will defend him.”

Meanwhile, local smog techs are watching the case with devastation in their eyes. “If he pulls this off, I’m done testing cars,” said Guillermo Sanchez, who has failed Hernández’s 350Z three times. “I made so much money of him. He was putting my kids through college. Now everyone is going to want pardons.”

Hernández remains hopeful. “If this works, I’ll be the voice of the people—well, at least the people who straight-pipe their cars,” he said. “And if it doesn’t, I’ll just get Montana plates.”