"...settled for BMWs due to only achieving mild levels of financial irresponsibility."

CORONA—A recent study has revealed that BMW drivers born after 1931 are overwhelmingly more likely to wish they were driving a Porsche. The data, compiled by the Useless Technicals Institute, shows that a staggering 99.98% of BMW owners harbor a desire for the iconic German rival, a brand that was founded in 1931.

Dr. Luis Mendoza, lead researcher at the Institute, explained the findings: “We weren’t expecting this level of Porsche envy. BMW drivers have an underlying itch that only a Porsche can scratch. It’s less about horsepower and more about the GT3 RS as a whole.”

The study highlighted that this longing spans generations of drivers. Many of the participants confessed to having dreamt about Porsches for years but settled for BMWs due to only achieving mild levels of financial irresponsibility.

“Every time I see a 911, I think, ‘That should be me,’” admitted 72-year-old Manuel Castillo, a BMW owner for decades. “BMWs are the Ultimate Driving Machine, but Porsches? They are just better. Go ask JD Power and his associates.”

Even younger drivers echoed these sentiments. “Don’t get me wrong, I love my M3,” said 37-year-old Sofia Delgado. “But if I could swing the price of a Porsche, I’d be out of my BMW in a second. BMW is the warm-up act, and Porsche is the headliner.”

While BMW remains a favorite for many, the study concludes that the allure of Porsche, which has captivated drivers since 1931, casts a long shadow, leaving an unshakable desire among drivers across generations.