"Especially, if no one asked.”

BERKELEY, CA—A new study from the Useless TechniIcals Institute has confirmed the same people who barrel down and merge at the last possible second are overwhelmingly more likely to say “actually, it’s kwah-sahn” with full eye contact.

“We ran the numbers across multiple behavioral patterns,” said Dr. Hannah Tighe, who led the study. “Late mergers and line cutters—there’s a 17-fold increase in likelihood they’ll correct someone’s pronunciation. Especially, if no one asked.”

The data was gathered through anonymous driving reports and casual restaurant observations. Researchers noted a consistent link between people who aggressively squeeze into traffic at the last minute and people who insist on correcting your pronunciation of words like “gyro,” “bruschetta,” and, most commonly, “croissant.”

“Every time I hear someone say ‘crah-sahnt’ in a Starbucks line, I just know they probably merged at the last possible moment to get into the parking lot,” said research assistant Tyler Jamison. “And they’re going to pretend they’re the victim when someone honks.”

The study describes these individuals as “assholes,” with an inflated sense of superiority often masking deep insecurity—or worse, confident incompetence. Drivers like this aren’t just trying to save time—they’re trying to feel smarter than everyone else while doing it.

“Correcting someone’s pronunciation unsolicited is the verbal equivalent of cutting in traffic and waving like you did something amazing,” said Dr. Tighe. “It’s not about being helpful. It’s about letting the world know you took a trip to France once.”

Victims of both behaviors are exasperated. “I was just trying to order a chocolate croissant,” said local commuter Erika Salinas. “Next thing I know, some dude in a blacked-out Audi A4 cuts me off and later pops up in line behind me saying, ‘It’s pronounced kwah-sahn, actually.’ Like... sir. Please.”

The study recommends a simple solution: don't be an asshole—on the road and in the bakery. “You don’t need to merge late, and you don’t need to flex your Duolingo streak mid-brunch,” said Tighe. “Just let people drive and eat in peace.”

Further research is underway to see if the same group also claps when planes land.