"...your name? Gone the second you walk away."

CLEVELAND, OH—A highly anticipated experimental surgery designed to help car guys remember each other’s actual names—rather than just their cars—has officially failed all clinical trials, according to a report released this week by the Useless Technicals Institute.

“We had high hopes,” said lead researcher Dr. Michelle Langston. “But the procedure proved completely ineffective. Within hours of leaving the facility, test subjects reverted to calling their closest friends things like ‘E36 guy’ and ‘the dude with the yellow RX-7.’”

The procedure, known as Automotive-Based Identity Reassociation Therapy (ABIRT), was intended to rewire the part of the brain that automatically files names under chassis codes, Instagram handles, or vague automotive descriptions. In early trials, participants were shown headshots of their car friends and asked to recite names. Most responded with “Uh… Miata homie?” or “Bro… with the Civic, you know, with the bad wrap.”

“We tried everything,” Langston said. “Flash cards, shock collars, even just asking them to write the names down. Nothing stuck. They’d say, ‘Oh, I totally know him, he helped me roll my fenders once,’ and still couldn’t remember his name was Marcus.”

Test subject #024, known as “Steve,” couldn’t recall the names of five fellow racers he’s known for years. “Look, I know the guy,” Steve said. “He drives the white GTI with the cracked bumper and the aftermarket tails. His name? Uhhh… Doug? Derek? Dentman? I don’t know, man.”

Car culture experts aren’t surprised. “Names are too abstract,” said automotive anthropologist Rico Gutierrez. “You need a car, a vibe. That’s what sticks. Not ‘Kevin.’ Nobody remembers a Kevin unless his car caught fire.”

Langston says the failure of the surgery highlights a broader truth: car guys don’t are incapable of learning names. “It’s not a prioritization issue—it’s a brain issue,” she explained. “They can remember your build list down to the brand of lug nuts, but your name? Gone the second you walk away.”

In light of the failed trials, researchers are now shifting focus to a more realistic goal: getting car guys to maintain savings accounts.

Until then, if you want to be remembered in the car scene, experts recommend either having a weird car—or wear a name tag. “Preferably both,” said Langston. “That usually works.”