"La Cucaracha"

JACKSONVILLE, FL—In an astonishing feat that defies science, engineering, and every mechanic's will to live, a 2008 Nissan Altima has officially become the first car in recorded history to reach one million miles without a single oil change.

The vehicle, owned by 43-year-old baby mama and vape connoisseur Valentina Morales, has reportedly never once seen the inside of a Jiffy Lube. “The oil was for life,” said Morales, while casually peeling out of a Walgreens parking lot. “Ain’t no light on the dash, so I figured we were good.”

The Altima, which has spent most of its life redlining in school zones and idling on Hot Cheeto runs at the local 7-Eleven, passed the milestone while pulling into a Taco Bell at 2:13 a.m. local time. Witnesses say the engine made a noise best described as “a dying goat” before coughing once and continuing on as if nothing happened.

“This car shouldn’t be alive,” said mechanic Alicia Gutierrez, who examined the engine after Morales came in for a completely unrelated request to “make it work better.” According to Gutierrez, the oil had reached the consistency of black tar and was hosting what appeared to be a primitive life form.

Despite having a transmission that should’ve expired around mile 70,000, the Altima continues to run—albeit with a death rattle, an exhaust note that resembles a flatulent elephant, and no bumpers in sight.

Experts remain divided. “It’s not possible,” said Dr. Ryan Cho, automotive engineering professor at MIT. “Oil is the lifeblood of an engine. You can’t just ignore it for over a decade and expect it to work. Unless… it’s an Altima. Those things run on fender benders.”

Nissan has declined to comment, possibly out of fear that acknowledging the achievement would encourage more owners to do the same. However, sources inside the company have confirmed that engineers refer to this particular Altima as “La Cucaracha”—or The Cockroach in Spanish.

Morales plans to keep driving the car “until the wheels fall off—or the court takes it,” adding that the next goal is to hit two million miles on the same set of brake pads.

When asked if she’ll ever change the oil, Morales replied, “Nah. Aiden can do it when he grows up."