"Tesla may sweeten the deal, with unconfirmed reports of a 'Cybertruck Plus Roadster' package..."

AUSTIN—On the heels of Tesla confirming it can't sell the Cybertruck even with tax credits and discounts, they have announced a bold new strategy that everyone is calling “desperate.” Tesla has announced it will now pay customers $10,000 to take a Cybertruck off their hands—no trade-in, credit check, or deposit of any kind required.

The program, dubbed “The Cyberdump-a-thon,” is designed to accelerate deliveries of the poorly constructed vehicle, which continues to polarize potential buyers, people who don’t like Nazis, and anyone with working eyesight.

“We’re just trying to make it easier for customers to experience the future,” said Tesla spokesperson Dana Phillips. “I'm looking for a future where these confused Roombas are off my lot. For the love of God, just take one.”

The offer comes as Tesla faces increasing pressure by the CEO to move Cybertruck inventory that has sat around rusting due to no fault of his.

“I went to the dealership as a joke,” said new Cybertruck owner Carlos Vega. “They said, ‘We’ll give you ten grand to take it right now.’ I asked if I could think about it, and they said, ‘What if we throw in a Model Y and a flamethrower?’ So now I own one. And a flamethrower.” He continued with a mischievous tone, “And I know how I'm going to use the flamethrower.”

While traditional automakers offer rebates, discounts, or low APR financing, Tesla’s approach marks the first time a manufacturer has offered to pay customers full cash simply to accept ownership.

“This is historic,” said auto industry analyst Maribel Tran. “Never before has a vehicle so successfully combined government rebates, customer incentives, and failure. You’re not buying a Cybertruck—you’re being paid to solve Tesla’s Elon problem.”

Tesla insists the vehicle remains a technological marvel. “It has bulletproof windows—except when it doesn’t,” said Phillips. “It can tow a small planet, theoretically. And it looks amazing in certain lighting. Like, really dim lighting.”

As the $10,000 offer gains attention, rumors are swirling that Tesla may sweeten the deal even further, with unconfirmed reports of a “Cybertruck Plus Roadster” package that includes a Dogecoin signing bonus and free Roadster, whenever they actually release it.

For now, the message is clear: If you’ve got a driveway, Tesla’s got cash—and a triangle on wheels they’re begging you to take.