"Last month I couldn’t give these things away..."

WASHINGTON D.C.—The U.S. has seen a historic surge in Lada ownership after President Donald Trump enacted a sweeping ban on car imports from every country except Russia. The move, intended to "bring back real cars with real steel, and not as a favor to Putin at all," has left American streets flooded with boxy Soviet-era sedans and their equally boxy owners.

“We’re making car culture great again,” said Lada owner Derek Simmons, proudly polishing the hood of his 1986 Lada Riva. “Forget your overpriced German trash. This right here is 75 horsepower of pure geopolitical statement. Plus, it's Russian, what's more American than that?”

Importers have been scrambling to meet demand as Ladas, once relegated to top gear memes and obscure Instagram pages, have become the hottest commodity in the market. “It’s insane,” said Yuri Petrov, owner of Yuri’s Lada Imports in New Jersey. “Last month I couldn’t give these things away. Now I’ve got people offering ten grand over asking just because it's Russian. God bless America.”

Critics, however, have raised concerns about the sudden influx of vehicles built to barely survive Siberia, let alone Los Angeles traffic. “Look, I’m all for patriotism,” said auto mechanic Javier Ortiz. “But these cars are held together with hopes, prayers, and maybe fueled by Vodka. Half the ones I’ve seen need a clutch before they even make it off the boat. But hey, at least parts are... no, wait, there are no parts.”

With no end to the ban in sight, experts predict the Lada craze is only getting started. Whether that's good news remains entirely unclear—but at least everyone’s helping Russia clear it's roads.